I asked my wife to get me a newspaper

She said to get with the times and use her iPad.

That spider never knew what fucking hit it.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 8 days because she hates it when I interrupt her

Just watched my wedding video backwards - Loved the part where I took off the ring, left the church, and fucked off with my friends

Whoever convinced blind people they need sunglasses was one hell of a salesman

My kid was making her Barbie and Ken dolls have sex

I said, "You may get baby dolls"

She said, "Relax, he's doing her up the shitter"

I think it's about time Taylor Swift wrote a song called "Maybe I am The Problem"

If you have a parrot, and have not taught it to say "Help, I've been turned into a parrot" - You are wasting everyone's time

Women who brag about multi-tasking should chill out. There is nothing cool about doing 3 things wrong at once

If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.

That's why people with no sense of humour have an increased sense of self-importance

Stalking is when two people go for a long, romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

Unless he's a Vegan.

Then you can get there through his pussy.

I wasn't sure why the doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation, until I saw a dragon and shit myself

Don't try to understand women.

Women understand women and they fucking hate each other.

20,000 kids starve to death each day. Boring.

4,000 fat Americans get no buffet on a Cruise ship for 5 days. Front page news.

Nice world.

Nikkon has invented a camera with such lightning quick shutter speed that it can apparently capture a picture of a woman with her mouth shut

The new Pope says gay adoption is child abuse.

Since when did the Catholic Church become experts in child abuse?

Oh wait never mind.

I can't wait for summer in Canada.

It's on a Saturday this year.

It's all fun and games until you realize Casper the ghost is actually a dead child.

I'm convinced women do not fart.

They just hold it in, and eventually it comes out as drama.

I saw a fat girl wearing a shirt that said "GUESS" so I said "250 at least"