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Not as many people seem to drive past my house & toot their horn since my daughter moved out...but that's probably just a coincidence.
And I, will always, judge you.
Worst things the parents do in Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
I thought by the time I was a successful 35-year old adult I'd be tired of putting people's yard reindeers in sex positions, I was wrong.
I hope that when I die, some assholes who don't know me make jokes on here and other self righteous assholes call them assholes for it.
Thanks for the invite to your housewarming party but I'd rather not be forced to robotically say "Wow" every time you show me a new room.
"Oh bother," says Pooh as he sees Eeyore hanging from the hunny tree twisting in the breeze. "Get a knife," he tells Tigger. "Cut him down."
As someone who does not live in Toronto, I say Rob Ford is the gift that keeps giving and I hope he is mayor forever.
Stop Instagramming words. I'm not following you for your thoughts. Take off your fucking shirt.
I've never met a baby named Helen.
Just once I'd love to turn over a shampoo bottle and see directions that said, "No -- you got this, we have faith in you."
My week doesn't fucking start on Sunday it's starts on fucking Monday you stupid calendar
Hi boss, I'm gonna need to take a leave of absence for 30 days. No. No illness. No. Not religious. I take Chevy Truck Month fuckin seriously
When a woman thinks you're hot and sexy. Just accept it and fuck her against a wall.
Never underestimate a child's ability to ask you what's for dinner 2.5 minutes after they've had lunch.
I'm going to have McDonald's breakfast cater my wedding.
When buying something off Craigslist, always insist on meeting them in the woods.
Overheard a "girl fight" in a restaurant today. Turns out Kate didn't ask Meegan how she felt following her break-up with Rob. What a cunt..
My 'Sleep Number' is Grey Goose.
98% of all of Jesus's arguments with Joseph ended with-'You're not my real dad'
Favorite Food: Sandwiches Favorite Book: Magazine FavoriteThing To Do: Stuff