Science can take a skin cell and create a human being…

Surely God should put an end to this nonsense.

Shouldn’t she?

The quality I most admire in other people is not being in my way.

Looking at Facebook is a convenient way to realize you can't stand most of the people you know.

What I lack in bra size, I make up for with my mind.

Kidding. Blow jobs.

Porn would be more realistic if…

1. A guy delivers a pizza.

2. A girl eats the pizza.

3. No sex.

4. The end.

I’ll never forget the one that got away. Should’ve used more rope and duct tape.

Shout out to old guy behind counter who started coughing really hard, drank some water, recovered, chuckled, and said "Not today!"

Lazy people are actually the best job creators because I am always paying people to do the shit I am unwilling to do

I don't know who did it but starting a fight with a city full of Irishmen is a terrible fucking idea. They will find you.

"this latest tragedy is incredibly awful.. but how can i make this about ME?" - a lot of people apparently

"Let's make this one suck at sports but good at art so he thinks he's gay."
-God making me

If it ain't broke, give my 2yo 3 seconds alone with it & it will be.

The world is cold and hard...teach your children that...

The only thing wrong with being an atheist is that there's nobody to talk to during an orgasm.

Running through the airport with a knife so security will tackle me because sometimes its just nice to be held.

Martin Brodeur has 666 wins and he plays for the Devils, by process of elimination he is fucking Satan.

Kool Aid Man's kids probably never felt safe when they were masturbating.

Jesus said you don't have to be circumcised to worship God, Jesus died for our skins.

If I had grandchildren, I'd tell them dramatic stories about 1992 when the Pirates won more games than they lost.

It's neat that you could genetically select your baby's traits like it could have the father's nose and the mother's lies.