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How I eat my ramen:
1. Boil water
2. Eat dry ramen noodle block
3. Drink boiling water
4. Snort seasoning packet
5. Cry myself to sleep
My roommates are so lame. They're always like, "Help out with the chores," and "We can't support you forever," and "You're a horrible son."
I don't want to sound ignorant, but if I can't understand something, then it's stupid and I hate it.
Gently placing your finger on someone's lips and saying, "Shh, not another word," is super romantic but asshole cops don't seem to think so.
Women are called "crazy" for having lots of cats, but let's not forget that it was a man who wrote an entire fucking musical about them.
I'm never more shocked than when I type a long, complex word expecting autocorrect to chime in, but it doesn't, because I fucking nailed it.
I want people who say "chillax" to take a "chillaxative" and shit themselves in a socially devastating situation.
Women, you're doing it wrong. Try wearing your emotions on your breasts. We're not paying much attention to your sleeves.
I know my food is done cooking when it bursts into flames and everyone in the house is in immediate danger.
It's nice how Favstar has notifications for stars, but I want to know when someone reads my tweet and just shakes their head disapprovingly.
I'm in the process of developing a new diet where you basically drink tons of alcohol and just hope for the best.
Even if oil prices go down, I'm still going to siphon gas from my neighbor's car because I like the adrenaline rush and he's an asshole.
I have a puppy for an avatar because it's cute and adorable. I mean, who doesn't love puppies? Aww!
Also, I'm hideously, hideously ugly.
Girls express their love for me in strange ways, like changing their numbers or moving to a different city or killing themselves.
Hey people who make fun of everyone they see shopping at Wal-Mart, you guys sure are at Wal-Mart a lot shopping.
These bartenders at Taco Bell are all "We don't serve alcohol," and "We're not even open yet," and "Sir, please put on pants." STOP JUDGING.
I have about a dozen different bottles of cologne, and all of them smell like "Nice try asshole, but you're still not getting laid tonight."
A guy wearing Crocs just bumped into a hipster wearing a wool-knit hat. The ensuing mushroom cloud of douchebaggery could be seen for miles.
If life gives you lemons, don't try to make a joke about it with your own clever twist.
Man the fuck up and deal with it.
My humor isn't so much "laugh out loud, ha ha" funny, as it is "we should probably laugh before he stabs us" funny.
I wrote a new ending for my autobiography. This time, I live.