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My idea of flirting is liking a girl's Facebook status, and if I'm feeling really bold, also commenting "Haha cool."
My phone died so I had to check the time on a wall clock like some kind of animal.
"I have to go home. It's definitely food poisoning. Ate shellfish last night." — me lying because I'm vomiting at work and hungover as shit.
A couple times a year I like having my mouth turned into a giant, bloody, open wound, which is why I go to the dentist.
Leftover wings and pizza in the morning. Because it just wouldn't be a well-balanced breakfast without a side of self loathing.
Guns don't kill people. People kill people. Which is why I keep all the people in my house locked up.
Sad there's no chapter in my employee handbook that addresses the urge to throat punch Brad from IT for being a pretentious fuckface.
A dog sniffing your crotch counts as getting to second base, right?
Being a bachelor too long can work against you. Eventually women think, "He's in his 30s and still single. Something's fucked up about him."
I'm the Miley Cyrus of singing because neither of us can do that.
Got everything for my Miley Halloween costume! Eye liner, skin-colored boy shorts, and an utter lack of direction and love from my parents.
"Halal" is a great word to say out loud when you want to show off your double chin and feel ugly and gross.
I've jerked off to the same porn actress the past three nights, so yeah, I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Hey bugs that somehow get inside a perfectly sealed light globe and die and then make me have to clean out your corpses, enough already.
"No, he's different! It's serious this time!" - women in their 30s telling mom they've finally found "the one" and then being way off again.
The # of Taco Bell sauce packets in my cabinet is directly proportional to the length of time since I was last in a meaningful relationship.
Just celebrated my buddy's wedding. So jealous! I wish I had a wife or even just a girlfriend or that girls were in any way attracted to me.
When people tweet something with exactly 140 characters, I always wonder what word they had to agonizingly decide to cut out to make it fit.
My avi is a puppy because it's less sad when a puppy bitches about personal relationships rather than a full grown Asian man.