I hate conformists. Unless you guys think they're cool, in which case I totally agree with you.

Since when did, "Sorry. I was drunk when I made that promise," stop being a valid excuse?

There comes a time in every girl's life when she removes the birth year from her Facebook profile.

My Facebook newsfeed is like reading a choose-your-own-adventure book that always ends in divorce.

So if a celeb signs something, it’s “valuable.” But I scratch my name on my neighbor’s car with a nail and all of a sudden it’s “vandalism.”

Evidence of a good Friday night used to be waking up with a pretty girl next to me. Now it's a pan of burnt Tuna Helper left on the stove.

Hmm.. what to do for lunch today? Mall food court, Tuna Helper, or kill myself? Decisions, decisions!

Just woke up from a sexual dream with Tilda Swinton. My sex life has officially committed suicide.

Usually I sleep on my back or my side. But most of the time it's while clutching a half-eaten bag of Doritos in an employee bathroom stall.

If you begin a sentence with "All things considered...," you neglected to consider the fact that I don't give a flying fuck.

"I ain't a player but I shush a lot." - librarians.

Sucks when you leave for work in the morning and keep thinking you forgot something only to realize it was your motivation and will to live.

"Life's like a video game. I wasn't burglarizing my neighbor's home; I was unlocking additional content" is what my lawyer wants me to say.

Pretty sure there are enough prank shows on TV that you can shout "Gotcha! You're on MTV!" and run away to get out of any awkward situation.

That awkward moment after you've been waving your hands under the public bathroom hand dryer and you realize it's not automatic.

Water... with lemon — for when you want to make your waitress do a tiny bit more work just because you can.

Still not too happy that I'll have to hear "starring Academy Award nominee Jonah Hill" from here on out.

I want to try this new sex move, but I'm gonna need an intricate system of pullies and levers. Oh, and a girl who wants to have sex with me.

Running away from home had more of an impact on my parents back when I was 16 and rebellious than it does now that I'm 26 and unemployed.

Migraines are just your body's way of telling you that you're capable of having really painful fucking headaches.