@miss_jadakiss @nycole1024 @michaelloik http://t.co/38CkMq7H

Disney gave women unrealistic expectations of men. Porn gave men unrealistic expectations of women. #truth #reality

You know how I know she's crazy? She drives a beetle

...who the fuck drives a beetle?

I was once told I talk too formal. Proper fucking English is never too formal. Slang bullshit is what will pollute intellectual minds today.

I could use a ham sandwich and a blowjob.

Too an extent, I hate her, but at the same time, he did make me believe in love again. And that's an accomplishment

I need a new girlfriend for the weekend. Or maybe a girlfriend on loan...

Yaaa...that way I can just give her back when it's over

Sometimes you just need someone to tell you it's going to be alright.

Even if it's not.

It's better to want something you don't have than having something you don't want.

Unless you've lived in England, please spare me your fake ass British accent

Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out alive.

That moment when you start having sex with a girl and your dog jumps on the bed trying to get in that #awkward

Doing it WV style with @jfabs16

I should give lessons on how to lose 300 in 3 hours on sports betting. Damn assholes don't understand they need to cover the spread

I can't wait for the day we can actually be honest with people about how we feel. Then twitter may be obsolete.

You may be there now, but ill get there eventually. Scenic route, bitch.

Sandy was like a bad trip to the doctor. Told us we would die then sent us back to work disappointed we didn't.

I don't need to google search "how to waste 30 min at work." I'm already a pro.

One of these days I'm going to seriously kill a biker not using the fucking sidewalk. If there's no bike lane then get the fuck off the road

You can tell a lot about how you feel about a woman by how hard it is to leave her in the morning.