Saw a cloud today that looked like a rhinoceros mounting an igloo. The igloo could have been smiling, it was hard to tell.

I took a nap that was 41 tweets long.

If I'd pursued just about anything in my life with the unerring attention I can't stop giving this hangnail right now, I'd be somebody.

That itch that is buried deep in the bottom of your foot that you can't scratch no matter how hard you try? I work with her.

Me and the hub went out to play in the new snow. Was really fun for about four minutes. Then we just felt like two old cold people.

Why do I shower off all these expensive aromatic creams and lotions and then just put them back on?

Wow, it's 4:20. Seems like there was something I was supposed to do but I forget what it was... Where's the Doritos?

Sometimes when bunches of people die, I wonder what God has going on. Dennis Hopper and Gary Coleman... a weird remake of Fantasy Island?

Mixed my contacts up this morning and got them in the wrong eyes. Gonna be a good day, I can see that. Oh, wait... no I can't

Eye appointment in the am. Then driver's license photo. With dilated pupils... LOL Will come in way handy next time I get pulled over, no?!

I think it's cool that there's a word for everything. It's "everything."

Not adding locations to my tweets. What I have to say is unimportant/irrelevant no matter where I am when I write.

Whoever said you can't rollerskate in a buffalo herd should hang out with me for a week or so.

The fact that there are actually cannibals in the world keeps eating at me.

When you get tired of the drama and the cleavage and all that, I'll still be here. Senile, but here.

Did you ever tweet and immediately everyone else quits tweeting and you think they're just all sitting there mesmerized?* *saying WTF?

˙ʎןsɹs ˙ʞsǝp ǝɥʇ ɹǝpun ǝɹǝɥ uʍop ɯ,ı os ƃuıuʇɥƃıן puɐ ƃuıɹǝpunɥʇ s,ʇı

Don't bother trying to call or text my cell... I dropped it in the toilet at the mall. Yeah. It's drying out now...

Something tells me beer and Twitter may not be my cup of tea

This is one of the funniest things I've ever seen online. I think I sprained a couple abdominal muscles laughing  http://bit.ly/SkW6xi