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  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    A cig takes 7 minutes off your life

    A piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life

    According to my calculations I should have died in 1812

    • 3,900
    • FAVS
    zero3_benzmiss_foofooVOL1212ABDC916TheWadestJaySaysStuffLeagueofNopeMsMac287
    • 2,793
    • RETWEETS
    Teejoint4Glove_MonkeyABDC916JaySaysStuffLeagueofNopeTheBoffBrittanyBilson_StupidDucks_
    thetobbieMichaelLarrickswiftenhaalBillFienbergpbear79Jennifergr8caliraingirlI_Mee_Myself_ShaunRightNowMcJizzernutzlvvzzKindOfASmartass__AllThingsCLEVEjferg1616skullpuppy11sarcazm2RedJakiBlueJaySuchMarcusTheTokenpinaplMosedogg
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    My voicemail greeting:

    Hey, it's me. Please hang up and text me.

    • 3,699
    • FAVS
    zero3_benzmiss_foofoopettyJosieMullinKjthemowgbeautifuldayyyRiaArbeJaySaysStuff
    • 2,227
    • RETWEETS
    themowgbeautifuldayyymegachicchiSimplyTibyjulie413413KrystaSaysssJaySaysStuffJellyBean551
    AHoundNamedAlbaTitansHomerlvvzzjus4golfdonofalltrades1tjh4y4momma0315iBlayneDsTwitzhoneybadgerMeldjr_102VeuxsNotoriousCLEnoogJustASmirkTwitacide________
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    If two people love each other nothing is impossible...

    Except deciding where to eat.

    • 3,140
    • FAVS
    zero3_benznzthewordThe_Cat_Queen_LeagueofNopenabzisalambpaulashcomedyBrittanyBilsonAshtonTheHippy
    • 2,323
    • RETWEETS
    JellyBean551LeagueofNopelionessruchipaulashcomedyBrittanyBilsonAshtonTheHippyestrangedbummerJoshua_Perrin
    1800RandygvicksiGreenMonkHairyJew4LifepalokinJosesLovesYouCYComedyslave_leiamartianhaiku______jferg1616Mr_goose007nativerogueportajon__________RummyLaudedhoneybadgerMelpiplips
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    You all hate smokers until you need to light a birthday cake…

    • 2,641
    • FAVS
    zero3_benzgregg_marcynzthewordHonestly_LynnLeagueofNopewish4spikeSurgicalSmileSamiam556
    • 2,118
    • RETWEETS
    zero3_benzJellyBean551LeagueofNopeCdnMomOf414jessie96theycallmecoyCurtibarnestrangedbummer
    TheBeerGuy73MrsJekyllsHydePeaceInTruth1curlymalloyKostandinia______Xalqeecessperiencemarebytes
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Snooki is breeding and you mother fuckers are worried about gay marriage...

    • 2,458
    • FAVS
    John_M15zero3_benzWindPushedGrassKWQuacksBeckyLynne37KinkQueenspeknycDeurb1
    • 1,890
    • RETWEETS
    zero3_benzBeckyLynne37jocexo_Deurb1OneFunnyMummycandyhh15JaniceLReadbobw1o
    babyblue0924StarksWeekitsaRawDawgSweetestSarcasmAHoundNamedAlbaKate_GoldsmithGroperCleveland
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    You had me irritated at hello...

    • 2,182
    • FAVS
    zero3_benzparkbenchkipperdeannajudd70westcoastphinzHOTTVampChickaBrittanyBilsonbitterlittlemanWindPushedGrass
    • 1,307
    • RETWEETS
    zero3_benzWordsOnMuteStrictKiDdeannajudd70nolly_JValiaDrishtiBrittanyBilsonWindPushedGrass
    GrumpyCommentsSarcasticsapienlittlekitnerboyCpin42cynicuhlmrschaotic
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    No... I'm not drunk.

    Floors need hugs too...

    • 2,019
    • FAVS
    zero3_benzgrandmasassmums_hugsMILFDianecbubbajessInnHumancfishingdrgreenthumbs13
    • 1,074
    • RETWEETS
    zero3_benzMILFDianecbubbajessdrgreenthumbs13KazpagePagefluffy_boiDeurb1LackOfShame
    RyanKeith15______DukeOfOyl________mrt1mHeyZeus666heated___________bdbdleeroybrown
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    It’s not you.

    It’s me.

    I have standards.

    • 1,683
    • FAVS
    moseletsanezero3_benzDutch_MayhemStephmulzarmyantstudiosGetongamiss_foofooKizerBillhelm
    • 1,113
    • RETWEETS
    moseletsaneEriin_xoyoDutch_MayhemarmyantstudiosGetongaGiraffeAttack14MrSkinnyGenesmiss_foofoo
    Maxine12333Smirk_NinjaLostWarriorPoet__Nicholey23HysteriaBarbieThedudishTDD_Says_Trophy
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Being on Twitter doesn't mean you don't have a life. It means you have a life worth tweeting about.

    • 1,642
    • FAVS
    zero3_benzKizerBillhelmRufflemaukatzenmetallApoe25WindPushedGrasskcMcCowgirlOneFunnyMummy
    • 904
    • RETWEETS
    zero3_benzkatzenmetallkomalhriday4uWindPushedGrasscandyhh15LackOfShameKaturdaysfusedude
    BruceForcethetobbieBigBagOfScumloribuckmajorThe_MentalystLeaMehannathedailymarkerblueshellsd______
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    When I have to make a phone call and it goes to voicemail...

    I feel like I just won the lottery.

    • 1,535
    • FAVS
    zero3_benzCommndrAlxanderstarwarsshirtkcMcCowgirlOneFunnyMummycandyhh15BrittFagsReverendofTruth
    • 735
    • RETWEETS
    starwarsshirtkcMcCowgirlBrittFagsReverendofTruthselknadressjortslllvvvzzzEffing_Bullshit
    Social_MimeAspersioncasttissytassy13______Stoneman1122______
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    I'm glad that we as humans settled on the hand shake as a greeting instead of the whole ass sniffing thing.

    • 1,563
    • FAVS
    zero3_benzRickyScampAslut1bearcub577kcMcCowgirlOneFunnyMummycandyhh15Kintsukuroi69
    • 703
    • RETWEETS
    treysevAslut1CubanaMama82kcMcCowgirlKintsukuroi69Katurdayslilgapeach32xomelodygervais
    gigglegirlnoelchrisanna4realgingerfacedprontopupKittySaysMeeowSleepsinwetspotNorthernMagic____
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn't matter. It's all good.

    But a Pepsi drinker...

    • 1,309
    • FAVS
    myempathyBeerforBukowskizero3_benzkcMcCowgirlSpearmintBulljinkeeJuliJenjebillthenoon
    • 609
    • RETWEETS
    zero3_benzanjeeinkheartsly_tendencies_Yuzedo77swabbz_abigbrownbeaverkeathlen_RockOnSuziesChoice
    CherBear162JustASmirk
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    I plan on getting "never invited back" drunk tonight.

    • 1,212
    • FAVS
    zero3_benzSaljSalbongripsandtitskcMcCowgirlZombie_KitShameless_lovermmnimmzrickolantern
    • 613
    • RETWEETS
    zero3_benzkcMcCowgirlrickolanternOneFunnyMummyrabbithole423WDinartemilehighocdfindmydolls
    lynyrdsbackyardHurly_BurlyTrueTorontoGirl
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Fuck Waldo... Where am I?

    • 1,200
    • FAVS
    zero3_benzmiss_foofookcMcCowgirlOneFunnyMummyKintsukuroi69mudpaperscissorbelle_n_bamamostafa_baydoun
    • 515
    • RETWEETS
    zero3_benzkcMcCowgirlKintsukuroi69belle_n_bamaSolelyBT_J_Delsc_vaughnIxChelRoyPerez
    Savage_ScavangeGenevieve0404marebytes
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    The problem with MILFs... kids.

    • 1,246
    • FAVS
    zero3_benzkcMcCowgirlOneFunnyMummyednotsowiseLoveNLunchmeatlilgapeach32ericsshadowjnellbg
    • 385
    • RETWEETS
    zero3_benzkcMcCowgirljnellbgjayy_leiighDilatedEVxomelodygervaisChadsQueenVodkantots
    IamEveryDayPplCantankerous_E
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    The fact that we are still debating equal rights for all US citizens in the year 2012 is fucking embarrassing.

    • 1,005
    • FAVS
    John_M15zero3_benzkcMcCowgirlOneFunnyMummycandyhh15LackOfShameednotsowiseOhaiqtpie
    • 479
    • RETWEETS
    zero3_benzLackOfShameSSparklesDailyRkindofspecialCherBear162crunchenhancerXoolunCtotheASS
    honeybadgerMelnativerogueDeanB15Cayenne7300Kim_pulsivePeaceInTruth1Sci_Fi_Geek
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    You know the one you lie awake at night and think about.

    The one every song reminds you of.

    The one your heart aches for.

    Go. Get. Her.

    • 916
    • FAVS
    MadamTweetsALotkerisoveryblondken2hallzero3_benzkcMcCowgirlLipglosslesboOneFunnyMummycandyhh15
    • 421
    • RETWEETS
    SteelCityDawnstilllonghairDeurb1yourfeistynesssiDreamof_USmooheedSerialFuckupRkindofspecial
    SerialFuckupladyfiredancerWizardOfRonnativeroguehipchkk
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    At times my tweets can be over the top and offensive. If at any time I've ever offended you, I sincerely say... Man the fuck up.

    • 948
    • FAVS
    zero3_benzkcMcCowgirlOneFunnyMummylllvvvzzzIndiAnnikaJonesThe_Cat_Queen_vodkachromeForeverFree3339
    • 338
    • RETWEETS
    lllvvvzzzIndiAnnikaJonesvodkachromeCherBear162josephdesai01TheBoydPthecrabbyhookRcrccastroLOVE
    tehBoodha_________Prozach74________RadOrDieEgg_Plantation____
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Were you born a bitch or did that get fucked into you?

    • 966
    • FAVS
    zero3_benzLaChicaIndecisaT2_Ujustkeni11minnie_in_pink7anubhav_anzzmrshuxxkatzenmetall
    • 310
    • RETWEETS
    ADOPTEDFRESHminnie_in_pink7mrshuxxNadineM1978Chikemba01ohaitsbrookeNuriyaVSondraDeeMe
    MzSweetcheeks_eTHEgoddessDEUXCajunKuzin________FunnyInMyHead
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    I repeat...

    Twitter is about people. Not followers.

    Stop being a little bitch.

    • 938
    • FAVS
    zero3_benzkcMcCowgirlmetalmaggie1969OneFunnyMummycandyhh15MyNextVictimmarcmorais10Jubafisher
    • 315
    • RETWEETS
    OneFunnyMummyMyNextVictimJubafisherLackOfShamelilgapeach32CherBear162RcrccastroLOVEIts_Baldylockz
    Carter_TCBHisDancingBitchletsdancebitchs
@One_FineMess

@One_FineMess
Pro

I'm a chick that digs chicks. I love dudes. I just don't fuck them.