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  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    A cig takes 7 minutes off your life

    A piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life

    According to my calculations I should have died in 1812

    • 3,557
    • FAVS
    AmeyaSurwaseEagle_force_555the_cjsimmPeter_BolandHollyHealsrachhhaaelEmilySnarlesph153r
    • 2,531
    • RETWEETS
    AmeyaSurwaseCerb32the_cjsimmMarshmystPeter_BolandHollyHealsOchy_Zacharyph153r
    MichaelLarrickswiftenhaalBillFienbergpbear79Jennifergr8caliraingirlI_Mee_Myself_ShaunRightNowMcJizzernutzlvvzzKindOfASmartass__AllThingsCLEVEjferg1616skullpuppy11sarcazm2RedJakiBlueJaySuchMarcusTheTokenpinaplMosedogg
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    My voicemail greeting:

    Hey, it's me. Please hang up and text me.

    • 3,423
    • FAVS
    maxthatsallSortaSarcasticmarmuzellaAmeyaSurwaseHollyHealsgarconanokindudsofcreightonb_strong88
    • 2,034
    • RETWEETS
    marizsmnSortaSarcasticNicoleEsselinkFootieFucktardam11ndaAmeyaSurwaseHollyHealsKatNewYork
    AHoundNamedAlbaTitansHomerlvvzzjus4golfdonofalltrades1tylerisajoke1momma0315iBlayneDsTwitzhoneybadgerMeldjr_102VeuxsNotoriousCLEnoogJustASmirkTwitacide________
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    If two people love each other nothing is impossible...

    Except deciding where to eat.

    • 2,901
    • FAVS
    moonlightnfirethegayfarmerguyMrTallPaul1AmeyaSurwaseToxicvixonHollyHealsLonestar4lifeDee_jay4u
    • 2,077
    • RETWEETS
    FootieFucktardMrTallPaul1am11ndaAmeyaSurwaseToxicvixonHollyHealsDee_jay4ufuzzlime
    1800RandygvicksiGreenMonkHairyJew4LifepalokinJosesLovesYouCYComedyslave_leiamartianhaiku______jferg1616Mr_goose007nativerogueportajon__________RummyLaudedhoneybadgerMelpiplips
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    You all hate smokers until you need to light a birthday cake…

    • 2,336
    • FAVS
    Chuness_NGK_OfficialVismay_tweetsMukulg14poornimaaaaiJotishjosheelayfacepalm92
    • 1,795
    • RETWEETS
    sapien_physcoCENTRE_SPIKESreadervoraciousChuness_TAG20NOVAddyBrainwaveBerserkGodPerfectHandle
    TheBeerGuy73MrsJekyllsHydePeaceInTruth1curlymalloyKostandinia______Xalqeecessperiencemarebytes
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Snooki is breeding and you mother fuckers are worried about gay marriage...

    • 2,297
    • FAVS
    MrTallPaul1HollyHealsBoobsMcCoolwilliamwantonAcademmissionlordofthedelijhseligTreacleVerity
    • 1,792
    • RETWEETS
    AmeyaSurwaseadamisbigdcece2820HollyHealsMikeZupkofskacydnieylordofthedelihafsaakmach1
    babyblue0924StarksWeekitsaRawDawgSweetestSarcasmAHoundNamedAlbaKate_GoldsmithGroperCleveland
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    No... I'm not drunk.

    Floors need hugs too...

    • 1,939
    • FAVS
    thegayfarmerguyGhatotkachhhAmeyaSurwaseallmyrunningHollyHealsDee_jay4udanimal_reesthecmill
    • 1,025
    • RETWEETS
    shreyad19Trending_IndiatoofabbtobetrueGhatotkachhham11ndaAmeyaSurwaseHollyHealsDee_jay4u
    RyanKeith15______DukeOfOyl________mrt1mHeyZeus666heated___________bdbdleeroybrown
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    You had me irritated at hello...

    • 1,900
    • FAVS
    mistieladyvicatcervenyMythicPicnictayloratericePurldngalligathegayfarmerguyHollyHeals
    • 1,023
    • RETWEETS
    catcervenythegayfarmerguyam11ndaAmeyaSurwaseallmyrunningHollyHeals88shenaniganscrunchenhancer
    SarcasticsapienlittlekitnerboyCpin42cynicuhlmrschaotic
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    It’s not you.

    It’s me.

    I have standards.

    • 1,573
    • FAVS
    jeffswarensDreysha55original1225sort_of_a_ladylexicarthulnicollesarcasticmommy4NvCornflakeGirl
    • 1,008
    • RETWEETS
    Dreysha55lexicarthulnicollesarcasticmommy4sarahghoniemVicskyblueHollyHealsLeightonSaysHi
    Maxine12333Smirk_NinjaLostWarriorPoet__Nicholey23HysteriaBarbieThedudishTDD_Says_Trophy
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Being on Twitter doesn't mean you don't have a life. It means you have a life worth tweeting about.

    • 1,564
    • FAVS
    thegayfarmerguysarahghoniemHollyHealsLombaxWhispererGoldenSpiralssarcasticmommy4Sir_StrangeCityNutsack
    • 847
    • RETWEETS
    sarahghoniemHollyHealsGoldenSpiralsSaraChandler9sarcasticmommy4CityNutsackheavyoilcountrycowboyjeffkent
    BruceForcethetobbieBigBagOfScumloribuckmajorThe_MentalystLeaMehannathedailymarkerblueshellsd______
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    I'm glad that we as humans settled on the hand shake as a greeting instead of the whole ass sniffing thing.

    • 1,495
    • FAVS
    sarcasticmommy4gunsonherlegsScoobusdoousadamisbigdHollyHealsBoobsMcCoolGoldenSpiralspatcoholic
    • 662
    • RETWEETS
    ScoobusdoousHollyHealsLumpy1805Keeze_Strangemisachinskieshakes31471Sir_StrangeCityNutsack
    gigglegirlnoelchrisanna4realgingerfacedprontopupKittySaysMeeowSleepsinwetspotNorthernMagic____
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    When I have to make a phone call and it goes to voicemail...

    I feel like I just won the lottery.

    • 1,461
    • FAVS
    moonlightnfireadamisbigdHollyHealskelver29racheldaarlingMrNickJCMaryJayne009TeacherEmmyB
    • 683
    • RETWEETS
    HeyKatelonHollyHeals88shenanigansroutinemalaise3CursitivityrickkondellcrunchenhancerTheNaturalDad
    Social_MimeAspersioncasttissytassy13______Stoneman1122__
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn't matter. It's all good.

    But a Pepsi drinker...

    • 1,197
    • FAVS
    sarcasticmommy4SeichopathHollyHealsJ_HUFFman24keebo00tweeterreader36TheNaturalDadGoldenSpirals
    • 536
    • RETWEETS
    SeichopathHollyHealssid_rainaTwininattiBDS_Lovertweeterreader36TheNaturalDadcowboyjeffkent
    JustASmirk
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    The problem with MILFs... kids.

    • 1,208
    • FAVS
    sarcasticmommy4HollyHealsVisceralJWMediocreMorgueGoldenSpiralsHashtonKushr420jessirose__shakes31471
    • 365
    • RETWEETS
    HollyHealsDeepakRai_GoldenSpiralsHashtonKushr420shakes31471The_most_wickedSir_StrangeCityNutsack
    IamEveryDayPplCantankerous_E
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Fuck Waldo... Where am I?

    • 1,078
    • FAVS
    sarcasticmommy4pippa_dolittleSirOreo009OfficialHollyHealsOkhoVodkaLindseyK_14mcnets
    • 424
    • RETWEETS
    SirOreoHollyHealsmcnetsGoldenSpiralsThe_most_wickedSir_StrangeJ_Hart03Xoolun
    Genevieve0404marebytes
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    The fact that we are still debating equal rights for all US citizens in the year 2012 is fucking embarrassing.

    • 976
    • FAVS
    sarcasticmommy4HollyHealsGoldenSpiralsSir_StrangeCityNutsackbabyblue0924Happenstance5chrismerrill
    • 466
    • RETWEETS
    HollyHealsStarksWeekLittleMissMag69shannon2703FuckPickingNameJP_Martin09PSlockMrTwatWaffle
    honeybadgerMelnativerogueDeanB15Cayenne7300Kim_pulsivePeaceInTruth1Sci_Fi_Geek
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    I plan on getting "never invited back" drunk tonight.

    • 942
    • FAVS
    ParkerlawyerKelMacdonanotjdehnOnly1ElyseShitNoSherlockKHoppToItwhitegirrl_420Fallun_Angel
    • 475
    • RETWEETS
    ParkerlawyerRyleeSylvesternzo82TDsareawesomeKIdCoFFeY14wesjohnson8HollyHealsHashtagPuppies
    lynyrdsbackyardHurly_BurlyTrueTorontoGirl
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    You know the one you lie awake at night and think about.

    The one every song reminds you of.

    The one your heart aches for.

    Go. Get. Her.

    • 874
    • FAVS
    sarcasticmommy4JerseyKevinDarkk_kknighttHollyHealsKireiOniHurricane_ReDbritt_somethingXoolun
    • 401
    • RETWEETS
    JerseyKevinDarkk_kknighttHollyHealsCriminal_BizzyXoolunOkhoVodkaChas0124momdilz83
    ladyfiredancerWizardOfRonnativeroguehipchkk
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    At times my tweets can be over the top and offensive. If at any time I've ever offended you, I sincerely say... Man the fuck up.

    • 909
    • FAVS
    sarcasticmommy4HollyHealsCriminal_BizzyAmrrwiseXoolunsome1s_sistaTheEdzoregreek2289
    • 311
    • RETWEETS
    adamisbigdHollyHealsXoolunNVNDETheEdzoregreek2289GoldenSpiralsplandindustries
    tehBoodha_________Prozach74________RadOrDieEgg_Plantation____
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    I repeat...

    Twitter is about people. Not followers.

    Stop being a little bitch.

    • 910
    • FAVS
    sarcasticmommy4dsherb002HollyHealsfabiolamag271XoolunRedneck435TheEdzoreGoldenSpirals
    • 301
    • RETWEETS
    HollyHealsXoolunTheEdzoreGoldenSpiralskristibrinsonStarksWeekwelfarehoeQueefTornado
    Carter_TCBHisDancingBitchletsdancebitchs
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Were you born a bitch or did that get fucked into you?

    • 922
    • FAVS
    HollyHealsFunnyTunesMariahAnnCarneymaymay72xgiddy_misscaptainjoe2822Stabby_smurfCurvyGirlMe
    • 278
    • RETWEETS
    HollyHealscaptainjoe2822Stabby_smurfCurvyGirlMeChevo_MqzXoolunSir_StrangeBangerLang
    MzSweetcheeks_eTHEgoddessDEUXCajunKuzin________FunnyInMyHead
@One_FineMess

@One_FineMess
Pro

I'm a chick that digs chicks. I love dudes. I just don't fuck them.