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  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    A cig takes 7 minutes off your life

    A piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life

    According to my calculations I should have died in 1812

    • 4,110
    • FAVS
    anerdonfireRobynDJViljoenthicknixonStarlight2112Purplepanda1992rscooter27nitetrucker2737inarow1
    • 2,932
    • RETWEETS
    anerdonfirethentshingilaNonoTshZuzustanleyBwanaChrisExkarmaabdalla_mhCaptnSteven
    OnlyFastEddiethetobbieMichaelLarrickswiftenhaalBillFienbergpbear79Jennifergr8caliraingirlI_Mee_Myself_ShaunRightNowMcJizzernutzlvvzzKindOfASmartass__AllThingsCLEVEjferg1616skullpuppy11sarcazm2RedJakiBlueJaySuchMarcusTheTokenpinaplMosedogg
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    My voicemail greeting:

    Hey, it's me. Please hang up and text me.

    • 3,848
    • FAVS
    anerdonfirem0t0rb0atflavoredfetishwez_undercoverCarleyJeanDfrk_mariak8ieokaychesterscotty
    • 2,347
    • RETWEETS
    anerdonfirem0t0rb0atflavoredfetishsoul_to_squeezJNielssTandOReesechesterscottyAGreaterMonster__
    thetobbieAHoundNamedAlbaTitansHomerlvvzzjus4golfdonofalltrades1tylerisajokemomma0315iBlayneDsTwitzhoneybadgerMeldjr_102VeuxsNotoriousCLEnoogJustASmirkTwitacide________
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    If two people love each other nothing is impossible...

    Except deciding where to eat.

    • 3,272
    • FAVS
    Beverly1996daniboyrbDionneMcNuttflavoredfetishnoonan77dena_buchananhollandnick91StephyyNic
    • 2,462
    • RETWEETS
    Beverly1996HannahsMommy201DionneMcNuttdena_buchananrosek228TarrahSaysSohollandnick91Parmineo
    1800RandygvicksiGreenMonkHairyJew4LifepalokinJosesLovesYouCYComedyslave_leiamartianhaiku______jferg1616Mr_goose007nativerogueportajon__________RummyLaudedhoneybadgerMelpiplips
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    You all hate smokers until you need to light a birthday cake…

    • 2,760
    • FAVS
    flavoredfetishcoolfedoradudemandajdAGreaterMonster__freespirit72gajkramblesDaRealYoungBullkatcrosb
    • 2,197
    • RETWEETS
    mandajdAGreaterMonster__mav3yIanviralmalpurppeopleaterjaynecomplainsleechee420vanillaadame
    TheBeerGuy73MrsJekyllsHydePeaceInTruth1curlymalloyKostandinia______Xalqeecessperiencemarebytes
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Snooki is breeding and you mother fuckers are worried about gay marriage...

    • 2,501
    • FAVS
    flavoredfetishAGreaterMonster__JohnBrowning74katcrosbyupsandyitsmiss_bmbTehNemsterSugaShanie
    • 1,913
    • RETWEETS
    flavoredfetishAGreaterMonster__JohnBrowning74purppeopleaterAxholetheGreatVenJENz1leechee420paulablu22
    babyblue0924StarksWeekitsaRawDawgSweetestSarcasmAHoundNamedAlbaKate_GoldsmithGroperCleveland
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    You had me irritated at hello...

    • 2,231
    • FAVS
    DionneMcNuttAGreaterMonster__FavoritesYoumiss_bmbthegudesjaynecomplainsVenJENz1pigeonpudding
    • 1,335
    • RETWEETS
    HannahsMommy201DionneMcNuttAGreaterMonster__FavoritesYout2_tobinthegudesjaynecomplainsleechee420
    GrumpyCommentsSarcasticsapienlittlekitnerboyCpin42cynicuhlmrschaotic
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    No... I'm not drunk.

    Floors need hugs too...

    • 2,099
    • FAVS
    highxpectation2morecowbell101probablywhitneykrishna_vanAndrewR31sheareronenatalie2111Staxx_83
    • 1,122
    • RETWEETS
    morecowbell101Cinema_16Crooow1SolelyBRevengeDilwdmllnlivebeat_365MissLittleTenn
    RyanKeith15______DukeOfOyl________mrt1mHeyZeus666heated___________bdbdleeroybrown
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    It’s not you.

    It’s me.

    I have standards.

    • 1,772
    • FAVS
    _likehandsOneOfTheseNitesflavoredfetishAGreaterMonster__VikeeysSecretTweety411DJLIWIKZt2_tobin
    • 1,159
    • RETWEETS
    MissLittleTenntkuz4ubreatheandloveflavoredfetishAGreaterMonster__abhirupa_sarkarDJLIWIKZt2_tobin
    peachey_keenMaxine12333Smirk_NinjaLostWarriorPoet__Nicholey23HysteriaBarbieThedudishTDD_Says_Trophy
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Being on Twitter doesn't mean you don't have a life. It means you have a life worth tweeting about.

    • 1,684
    • FAVS
    flavoredfetishlllvvvzzzAGreaterMonster__henritheprimerimmortaljayeDJLIWIKZFavoritesYout2_tobin
    • 934
    • RETWEETS
    lllvvvzzzAGreaterMonster__henritheprimeradityaaommav3yDJLIWIKZFavoritesYout2_tobin
    BruceForcethetobbieBigBagOfScumloribuckmajorThe_MentalystLeaMehannathedailymarkerblueshellsd______
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    I'm glad that we as humans settled on the hand shake as a greeting instead of the whole ass sniffing thing.

    • 1,643
    • FAVS
    MostafaXabelKimberlyVerhoevXclairemckXchelah_reezDionneMcNuttpamlovekokundaDaffyDoodle1OhighIsis
    • 764
    • RETWEETS
    steedsaysLiberty_JunkieKaranjaNgendoSharanshetty68MOKUKSchelah_reezWildWarrior95JaswinderMehrok
    gigglegirlnoelchrisanna4realgingerfacedprontopupKittySaysMeeowSleepsinwetspotNorthernMagic____
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    When I have to make a phone call and it goes to voicemail...

    I feel like I just won the lottery.

    • 1,581
    • FAVS
    AmytheAuthoressTraceykemp8flavoredfetishThateverydayguyBurbankLawGuyAGreaterMonster__NolaSCEtrashtastica
    • 761
    • RETWEETS
    1980sReferencesSamuelHLoweAGreaterMonster__mbugijunioriGreenMonkadityaaommav3yDJLIWIKZ
    Social_MimeAspersioncasttissytassy13______Stoneman1122______
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    I plan on getting "never invited back" drunk tonight.

    • 1,524
    • FAVS
    t2_tobinPOLARFAISEMiss_DhinchakBombayHeychDionneMcNuttkawigrlzx6rgeniusindisgizeiharshith
    • 770
    • RETWEETS
    t2_tobinPOLARFAISEMiss_DhinchakiGreenMonkDionneMcNuttPussycatPlaceazjejim__SxRxRnR__
    lynyrdsbackyardHurly_BurlyTrueTorontoGirl
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn't matter. It's all good.

    But a Pepsi drinker...

    • 1,400
    • FAVS
    t2_tobinFatimaFarwahMelissaBergholzhollzdphie27DBwiddaDBcuthebulshitMyCanadianRootsEbowHouse
    • 655
    • RETWEETS
    t2_tobinhollzdphie27aprillburkebealibowskyMyCanadianRootsDaraAshrafshewantsdaMDMy_Higherness
    MarcisgoinhamCherBear162JustASmirk
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Fuck Waldo... Where am I?

    • 1,285
    • FAVS
    t2_tobinHOTTMESSCOUTUREprettysadmostlyThateverydayguyAGreaterMonster__o0XIII0orscooter27davetrek42
    • 565
    • RETWEETS
    t2_tobinAGreaterMonster__aagwEyeOfTheGriffinJaneDohNowUKnowVikeeysSecretDJLIWIKZleechee420
    Savage_ScavangeGenevieve0404marebytes
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    The problem with MILFs... kids.

    • 1,272
    • FAVS
    t2_tobinlllvvvzzzvoxerbrantAGreaterMonster__ExitThaWarriorVikeeysSecretDJLIWIKZCameltoesmcgee
    • 396
    • RETWEETS
    t2_tobinlllvvvzzzAGreaterMonster__DJLIWIKZMsStaceyCakesGeosLokdleechee420TlaxBoy05
    IamEveryDayPplCantankerous_E
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    The fact that we are still debating equal rights for all US citizens in the year 2012 is fucking embarrassing.

    • 1,037
    • FAVS
    t2_tobinyoungkrazzJust_A_Guy72ThateverydayguylllvvvzzzAGreaterMonster__DJLIWIKZleechee420
    • 493
    • RETWEETS
    t2_tobinlllvvvzzzAGreaterMonster__TlaxBoy05MarcisgoinhamcaitinerbstJust_BCSYaBoyHesstoned
    honeybadgerMelnativerogueDeanB15Cayenne7300Kim_pulsivePeaceInTruth1Sci_Fi_Geek
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    You know the one you lie awake at night and think about.

    The one every song reminds you of.

    The one your heart aches for.

    Go. Get. Her.

    • 972
    • FAVS
    t2_tobinDJLIWIKZleechee420TlaxBoy05bsnc64wingsimpliedcheeky__galSoWeirditsCool
    • 446
    • RETWEETS
    t2_tobinDJLIWIKZTlaxBoy05bsnc64wingsimpliedboobsareimpliedTheAlexNevilUsmanRanjha
    SerialFuckupladyfiredancerWizardOfRonnativeroguehipchkk
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    I repeat...

    Twitter is about people. Not followers.

    Stop being a little bitch.

    • 995
    • FAVS
    MGSpaceHamsterstrangeHelenat2_tobinAngelinaC72Rolltide_mnwingsimpliedPleasantSurprizSHARAFZIAD
    • 351
    • RETWEETS
    strangeHelenat2_tobinRolltide_mnwingsimpliedmysogynisticSHARAFZIADsweetg35SerialFuckup
    Carter_TCBHisDancingBitchletsdancebitchs
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    At times my tweets can be over the top and offensive. If at any time I've ever offended you, I sincerely say... Man the fuck up.

    • 983
    • FAVS
    t2_tobinAGreaterMonster__leechee420itsmetrbTlaxBoy05danielle_0827bsnc64AIMMadellynne
    • 361
    • RETWEETS
    t2_tobinAGreaterMonster__itsmetrbTlaxBoy05bsnc64AIMMadellynnesiddo471johnmay08
    tehBoodha_________Prozach74________RadOrDieEgg_Plantation____
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Were you born a bitch or did that get fucked into you?

    • 998
    • FAVS
    AGreaterMonster__leechee420TlaxBoy05AIMMadellynneiwearaonesiecweezybabyyysheri8900nakedlaughing
    • 333
    • RETWEETS
    TlaxBoy05AIMMadellynnecweezybabyyynakedlaughingsiddo471ameelouiseVhpb777Marcisgoinham
    MzSweetcheeks_eTHEgoddessDEUXCajunKuzin________FunnyInMyHead
@One_FineMess

@One_FineMess
Pro

I'm a chick that digs chicks. I love dudes. I just don't fuck them.