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  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    A cig takes 7 minutes off your life

    A piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life

    According to my calculations I should have died in 1812

    • 3,932
    • FAVS
    Ndeshi_Mfubwatmisincarnatedsunnydayz729rachaellaw_partar400VauxEmmaIrishrule14
    • 2,814
    • RETWEETS
    Ndeshi_Mpeachey_keenfubwatpartar400Robert_BeauMiralelbarrany3_livisirhalf
    thetobbieMichaelLarrickswiftenhaalBillFienbergpbear79Jennifergr8caliraingirlI_Mee_Myself_ShaunRightNowMcJizzernutzlvvzzKindOfASmartass__AllThingsCLEVEjferg1616skullpuppy11sarcazm2RedJakiBlueJaySuchMarcusTheTokenpinaplMosedogg
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    My voicemail greeting:

    Hey, it's me. Please hang up and text me.

    • 3,722
    • FAVS
    Ndeshi_MhippieteehappyDB123_partar400KrystalKawabataOG_SocialWhoreNikoleRichard_Robert_Beau
    • 2,250
    • RETWEETS
    Ndeshi_Mpeachey_keenMissMacyD__xiiiamethyst_Sibongile_SDouche_KronwallJB_W_Robert_Beau
    AHoundNamedAlbaTitansHomerlvvzzjus4golfdonofalltrades1tjh4y4momma0315iBlayneDsTwitzhoneybadgerMeldjr_102VeuxsNotoriousCLEnoogJustASmirkTwitacide________
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    If two people love each other nothing is impossible...

    Except deciding where to eat.

    • 3,154
    • FAVS
    shanni_chananugadremisincarnatedYourMomsBiryaniskernn23zig_xMaddoMomovolksorf
    • 2,339
    • RETWEETS
    heathercisLamin_Oomisincarnatedhoumamissbeauteousoulknikh_OSUamit_93SeriousGimli
    1800RandygvicksiGreenMonkHairyJew4LifepalokinJosesLovesYouCYComedyslave_leiamartianhaiku______jferg1616Mr_goose007nativerogueportajon__________RummyLaudedhoneybadgerMelpiplips
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    You all hate smokers until you need to light a birthday cake…

    • 2,645
    • FAVS
    Angela_Rose81Ndeshi_MellejizzerMark_Poezero3_benzgregg_marcynzthewordHonestly_Lynn
    • 2,122
    • RETWEETS
    RuffbintaNdeshi_Mvulcan_kellyCaptYogaPantsalopezxviizero3_benzJellyBean551LeagueofNope
    TheBeerGuy73MrsJekyllsHydePeaceInTruth1curlymalloyKostandinia______Xalqeecessperiencemarebytes
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Snooki is breeding and you mother fuckers are worried about gay marriage...

    • 2,462
    • FAVS
    RiverCity85Ndeshi_McugsmuntdbedalbertaJohn_M15zero3_benzWindPushedGrassKWQuacks
    • 1,892
    • RETWEETS
    Ndeshi_Mvulcan_kellyzero3_benzBeckyLynne37jocexo_Deurb1OneFunnyMummycandyhh15
    babyblue0924StarksWeekitsaRawDawgSweetestSarcasmAHoundNamedAlbaKate_GoldsmithGroperCleveland
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    You had me irritated at hello...

    • 2,187
    • FAVS
    Angela_Rose81RiverCity85Ndeshi_Msixfootcandyslowmopwnspwnzero3_benzparkbenchkipperdeannajudd70
    • 1,313
    • RETWEETS
    Ndeshi_Msixfootcandy_iNode_Nzero3_benzWordsOnMuteStrictKiDdeannajudd70nolly_J
    GrumpyCommentsSarcasticsapienlittlekitnerboyCpin42cynicuhlmrschaotic
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    No... I'm not drunk.

    Floors need hugs too...

    • 2,022
    • FAVS
    Ndeshi_Msixfootcandyvulcan_kellyzero3_benzgrandmasassmums_hugsMILFDianecbubbajess
    • 1,076
    • RETWEETS
    Ndeshi_Mvulcan_kellyzero3_benzMILFDianecbubbajessdrgreenthumbs13KazpagePagefluffy_boi
    RyanKeith15______DukeOfOyl________mrt1mHeyZeus666heated___________bdbdleeroybrown
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    It’s not you.

    It’s me.

    I have standards.

    • 1,687
    • FAVS
    ellejizzerSmileyWhiplashvulcan_kellyednotsowisemoseletsanezero3_benzDutch_MayhemStephmulz
    • 1,117
    • RETWEETS
    peachey_keenvulcan_kelly_iNode_NBigRetweetsmoseletsaneEriin_xoyoDutch_Mayhemarmyantstudios
    peachey_keenMaxine12333Smirk_NinjaLostWarriorPoet__Nicholey23HysteriaBarbieThedudishTDD_Says_Trophy
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Being on Twitter doesn't mean you don't have a life. It means you have a life worth tweeting about.

    • 1,643
    • FAVS
    sixfootcandyzero3_benzKizerBillhelmRufflemaukatzenmetallApoe25WindPushedGrasskcMcCowgirl
    • 904
    • RETWEETS
    zero3_benzkatzenmetallkomalhriday4uWindPushedGrasscandyhh15LackOfShameKaturdaysfusedude
    BruceForcethetobbieBigBagOfScumloribuckmajorThe_MentalystLeaMehannathedailymarkerblueshellsd______
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    When I have to make a phone call and it goes to voicemail...

    I feel like I just won the lottery.

    • 1,536
    • FAVS
    sixfootcandyzero3_benzCommndrAlxanderstarwarsshirtkcMcCowgirlOneFunnyMummycandyhh15BrittFags
    • 735
    • RETWEETS
    starwarsshirtkcMcCowgirlBrittFagsReverendofTruthselknadressjortslllvvvzzzEffing_Bullshit
    Social_MimeAspersioncasttissytassy13______Stoneman1122______
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    I'm glad that we as humans settled on the hand shake as a greeting instead of the whole ass sniffing thing.

    • 1,565
    • FAVS
    ellejizzersixfootcandyzero3_benzRickyScampAslut1bearcub577kcMcCowgirlOneFunnyMummy
    • 703
    • RETWEETS
    treysevAslut1CubanaMama82kcMcCowgirlKintsukuroi69Katurdayslilgapeach32xomelodygervais
    gigglegirlnoelchrisanna4realgingerfacedprontopupKittySaysMeeowSleepsinwetspotNorthernMagic____
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn't matter. It's all good.

    But a Pepsi drinker...

    • 1,316
    • FAVS
    ellejizzeryukonrubyKyle_RaneyTerribleTracy2BlindChowfly_kid_69JosesLovesYoumyempathy
    • 613
    • RETWEETS
    rabbithole423ellejizzerbee_sangJosesLovesYouzero3_benzanjeeinkheartsly_tendencies_Yuzedo77
    CherBear162JustASmirk
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    I plan on getting "never invited back" drunk tonight.

    • 1,241
    • FAVS
    BipolarizingLovsarhahahboobsareimpliedITS_UR_BOILexyQuinnKennycruzinAmezsterBrdnHatesYou
    • 639
    • RETWEETS
    LexyQuinnSomeoneLikeZachKennycruzinlaurdoveMaritzaKangkazibelmad_haatrToxicProbably
    lynyrdsbackyardHurly_BurlyTrueTorontoGirl
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Fuck Waldo... Where am I?

    • 1,202
    • FAVS
    rabbithole423ellejizzerzero3_benzmiss_foofookcMcCowgirlOneFunnyMummyKintsukuroi69mudpaperscissor
    • 516
    • RETWEETS
    DemeterDragonzero3_benzkcMcCowgirlKintsukuroi69belle_n_bamaSolelyBT_J_Delsc_vaughn
    Savage_ScavangeGenevieve0404marebytes
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    The problem with MILFs... kids.

    • 1,249
    • FAVS
    rabbithole423ellejizzershewillbloveddzero3_benzkcMcCowgirlOneFunnyMummyednotsowiseLoveNLunchmeat
    • 387
    • RETWEETS
    JSMroczkowskirabbithole423zero3_benzkcMcCowgirljnellbgjayy_leiighDilatedEVxomelodygervais
    IamEveryDayPplCantankerous_E
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    The fact that we are still debating equal rights for all US citizens in the year 2012 is fucking embarrassing.

    • 1,007
    • FAVS
    ellejizzersixfootcandyJohn_M15zero3_benzkcMcCowgirlOneFunnyMummycandyhh15LackOfShame
    • 479
    • RETWEETS
    zero3_benzLackOfShameSSparklesDailyRkindofspecialCherBear162crunchenhancerXoolunCtotheASS
    honeybadgerMelnativerogueDeanB15Cayenne7300Kim_pulsivePeaceInTruth1Sci_Fi_Geek
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    You know the one you lie awake at night and think about.

    The one every song reminds you of.

    The one your heart aches for.

    Go. Get. Her.

    • 919
    • FAVS
    silent_musingsHockeyGoddess24madds__MadamTweetsALotkerisoveryblondken2hallzero3_benzkcMcCowgirl
    • 421
    • RETWEETS
    SteelCityDawnstilllonghairDeurb1yourfeistynesssiDreamof_USmooheedSerialFuckupRkindofspecial
    SerialFuckupladyfiredancerWizardOfRonnativeroguehipchkk
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    At times my tweets can be over the top and offensive. If at any time I've ever offended you, I sincerely say... Man the fuck up.

    • 950
    • FAVS
    sixfootcandyLackOfShamezero3_benzkcMcCowgirlOneFunnyMummylllvvvzzzIndiAnnikaJonesThe_Cat_Queen_
    • 339
    • RETWEETS
    LackOfShamelllvvvzzzIndiAnnikaJonesvodkachromeCherBear162josephdesai01TheBoydPthecrabbyhook
    tehBoodha_________Prozach74________RadOrDieEgg_Plantation____
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Were you born a bitch or did that get fucked into you?

    • 967
    • FAVS
    ellejizzerzero3_benzLaChicaIndecisaT2_Ujustkeni11minnie_in_pink7anubhav_anzzmrshuxx
    • 310
    • RETWEETS
    ADOPTEDFRESHminnie_in_pink7mrshuxxNadineM1978Chikemba01ohaitsbrookeNuriyaVSondraDeeMe
    MzSweetcheeks_eTHEgoddessDEUXCajunKuzin________FunnyInMyHead
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    I repeat...

    Twitter is about people. Not followers.

    Stop being a little bitch.

    • 939
    • FAVS
    ellejizzerzero3_benzkcMcCowgirlmetalmaggie1969OneFunnyMummycandyhh15MyNextVictimmarcmorais10
    • 315
    • RETWEETS
    OneFunnyMummyMyNextVictimJubafisherLackOfShamelilgapeach32CherBear162RcrccastroLOVEIts_Baldylockz
    Carter_TCBHisDancingBitchletsdancebitchs
@One_FineMess

@One_FineMess
Pro

I'm a chick that digs chicks. I love dudes. I just don't fuck them.