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  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    A cig takes 7 minutes off your life

    A piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life

    According to my calculations I should have died in 1812

    • 4,237
    • FAVS
    BeerforBukowskiSimin109HelmdawgEParentNormalSStrong1111JoeZabinskigedankenmalerinkrishna_van
    • 3,015
    • RETWEETS
    Simin109HelmdawgEJoeZabinskiemfobrownkrishna_vanffraskyaparticularwaygrendeldave
    RandomManikOnlyFastEddiethetobbieMichaelLarrickswiftenhaalBillFienbergpbear79Jennifergr8caliraingirlI_Mee_Myself_ShaunRightNowMcJizzernutzlvvzzKindOfASmartass__AllThingsCLEVEjferg1616skullpuppy11sarcazm2RedJakiBlueJaySuchMarcusTheTokenpinaplMosedogg
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    My voicemail greeting:

    Hey, it's me. Please hang up and text me.

    • 4,013
    • FAVS
    rdkb2003Simin109AudieReHelmdawgEBwanaChrisParentNormalkrazchiklisa422SassyPantsMcGhe
    • 2,503
    • RETWEETS
    laken__michellerdkb2003AudieReHelmdawgEjulieswoodsSassyPantsMcGhemiss_bridgieMsSouthernStems
    thetobbieAHoundNamedAlbaTitansHomerlvvzzjus4golfdonofalltrades1tylerisajokemomma0315iBlayneDsTwitzhoneybadgerMeldjr_102VeuxsNotoriousCLEnoogJustASmirkTwitacide________
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    If two people love each other nothing is impossible...

    Except deciding where to eat.

    • 3,404
    • FAVS
    HelmdawgET7_S4_MissKerr87kionna_peeks90mmaguru74Onboboffbobbo_bindy_cyndi
    • 2,592
    • RETWEETS
    T7_S4_trashtasticaShittyTownMadeMissKerr87ctduke16aka_Garfieldsmashinashleighmadeezythebeezy
    BwanaChris1800RandygvicksiGreenMonkHairyJew4LifepalokinJosesLovesYouCYComedyslave_leia__martianhaiku______jferg1616Mr_goose007nativerogueportajon__________RummyLaudedhoneybadgerMelpiplips
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    You all hate smokers until you need to light a birthday cake…

    • 2,859
    • FAVS
    LedJam237HelmdawgEParentNormalImperfect_KaranImanBee123jestcoastloudmouth_usamc_funbags
    • 2,253
    • RETWEETS
    HelmdawgEemfobrownImperfect_Karankoolrhythmkrishna_vanwho_roxloudmouth_usamc_funbags
    TheBeerGuy73MrsJekyllsHydePeaceInTruth1curlymalloyKostandinia______Xalqeecessperiencemarebytes
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Snooki is breeding and you mother fuckers are worried about gay marriage...

    • 2,582
    • FAVS
    cbotha82HelmdawgEParentNormalcolbymarcusannnarchyalpharetweetEdwinaCrumplelllvvvzzz
    • 1,954
    • RETWEETS
    cynthetismkmart120spidr2ybananaB000ThangabbeysbooksVickey_39256danny_mcclellanTrashgodDave
    babyblue0924StarksWeekitsaRawDawgSweetestSarcasmAHoundNamedAlbaKate_GoldsmithGroperCleveland
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    You had me irritated at hello...

    • 2,296
    • FAVS
    HelmdawgERhontavieaOwwuuppFu_JuiceBwanaChrisParentNormalmc_funbagsheatherlou_
    • 1,407
    • RETWEETS
    an3akrugerRhontavieaBwanaChriscynthetismmc_funbagsheatherlou_iMayaK__definitlymaybe
    Ideal_VictoriaGrumpyCommentsSarcasticsapienlittlekitnerboyCpin42cynicuhlmrschaotic
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    No... I'm not drunk.

    Floors need hugs too...

    • 2,143
    • FAVS
    HelmdawgEParentNormalgedankenmalerinspaceHedgehogZombieMom00mjkspeaksArgumentOctomc_funbags
    • 1,154
    • RETWEETS
    krishna_vannotanymore112iCatty1mjkspeaksmc_funbagsiMayaK_FilterlessFemmemyerised
    RyanKeith15______DukeOfOyl________mrt1mHeyZeus666heated___________bdbdleeroybrown
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    It’s not you.

    It’s me.

    I have standards.

    • 1,850
    • FAVS
    HelmdawgEBwanaChrisParentNormalKittenMrowlKingpenguinrockCh8rmingIrinaAsanova1Deneffee
    • 1,208
    • RETWEETS
    KingpenguinrockIrinaAsanova1ruffyoungiCatty1mjkspeaksmc_funbagsSharpeBytesheatherlou_
    peachey_keenMaxine12333Smirk_NinjaLostWarriorPoet__Nicholey23HysteriaBarbieThedudishTDD_Says_Trophy
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Being on Twitter doesn't mean you don't have a life. It means you have a life worth tweeting about.

    • 1,724
    • FAVS
    HelmdawgEParentNormalmc_funbagsurvibarmanAtheistEngineerheatherlou_pantsahoytrashtastica
    • 958
    • RETWEETS
    HelmdawgEmc_funbagsSharpeBytesheatherlou_trashtasticamyerisedJoannaLLUnderchilde
    BruceForcethetobbieBigBagOfScumloribuckmajorThe_MentalystLeaMehannathedailymarkerblueshellsd______
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    I'm glad that we as humans settled on the hand shake as a greeting instead of the whole ass sniffing thing.

    • 1,711
    • FAVS
    HelmdawgEBwanaChrisParentNormalCletusHammerSamm_Limheatherlou_texasstalkermomevanecclestone
    • 822
    • RETWEETS
    twicespentHelmdawgEheatherlou_TheKamsinGirlevanecclestoneGanderGinskebrownHlaoRoo
    treadmilldgigglegirlnoelchrisanna4realgingerfacedprontopupKittySaysMeeowSleepsinwetspotNorthernMagic____
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    When I have to make a phone call and it goes to voicemail...

    I feel like I just won the lottery.

    • 1,623
    • FAVS
    HelmdawgEmiss_bridgieBwanaChrisParentNormalDipxsssmc_funbagsheatherlou_myerised
    • 791
    • RETWEETS
    Dipxsssmc_funbagsheatherlou_myerisedCurly_gurl135BitterBeyatch__mrsmauiMisterMe300
    Social_MimeAspersioncasttissytassy13______Stoneman1122______
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    I plan on getting "never invited back" drunk tonight.

    • 1,571
    • FAVS
    rdkb2003HelmdawgEParentNormalsamantharaexnoranutterjanePieceoworkmjkspeaksjessokfine
    • 801
    • RETWEETS
    rdkb2003HelmdawgEnotanymore112iCatty1LovelyFiltersmjkspeaksSoGoFuIamEveryDayPpl
    lynyrdsbackyardHurly_BurlyTrueTorontoGirl
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn't matter. It's all good.

    But a Pepsi drinker...

    • 1,443
    • FAVS
    HelmdawgEBwanaChrisParentNormalShutUpThatsWhoCravin4heatherlou_myerisedCurly_gurl135
    • 685
    • RETWEETS
    HelmdawgECravin4heatherlou_SharonTheNerdmyerisedCurly_gurl135SassyTexasGalBitterBeyatch__
    Marcisgoinham__CherBear162JustASmirk
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Fuck Waldo... Where am I?

    • 1,318
    • FAVS
    HelmdawgEParentNormalcolbymarcusalpharetweetbetowmxLBelle1aKhalifa101FuzzyPimple
    • 578
    • RETWEETS
    betowmxdshack8ameo02BunnylennoxSharpeBytesCurly_gurl135BitterBeyatch__SoapCraze
    Savage_ScavangeGenevieve0404marebytes
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    The problem with MILFs... kids.

    • 1,303
    • FAVS
    HelmdawgEParentNormalmc_funbagsShrewdSimianCurly_gurl135BitterBeyatch__starwarsshirtTweetingDadGuy
    • 411
    • RETWEETS
    HelmdawgEmc_funbagsCurly_gurl135BitterBeyatch__mizundastoodmes__JubafisheriBLOOdyNONSENSEavekarl
    IamEveryDayPplCantankerous_E
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    The fact that we are still debating equal rights for all US citizens in the year 2012 is fucking embarrassing.

    • 1,055
    • FAVS
    ShutUpThatsWhoeTHEgoddessMadamBetteNoirelisavengestaBarW38mjkspeaksmc_funbagsheatherlou_
    • 498
    • RETWEETS
    mjkspeaksmc_funbagsCurly_gurl135GreensboroVetsheseemslegitt2_tobinlllvvvzzzAGreaterMonster
    honeybadgerMelnativerogueDeanB15Cayenne7300Kim_pulsivePeaceInTruth1Sci_Fi_Geek
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    You know the one you lie awake at night and think about.

    The one every song reminds you of.

    The one your heart aches for.

    Go. Get. Her.

    • 991
    • FAVS
    eTHEgoddessmjkspeaksmc_funbagscrazyinsane8Curly_gurl135AndyAsAdjectiveTouchOfAlchemyanerdonfire
    • 457
    • RETWEETS
    mjkspeaksmc_funbagscrazyinsane8Curly_gurl135anerdonfireOutOnTheMoorsTobinsanbbyvelociraptor
    SerialFuckupladyfiredancerrain247mannativeroguehipchkk
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    I repeat...

    Twitter is about people. Not followers.

    Stop being a little bitch.

    • 1,039
    • FAVS
    JaneBadallbetowmxArtfulDetectivebeckly_frecklyMorgan2383MothatgirlCostaAggiejwhJulesC70
    • 376
    • RETWEETS
    betowmxMorgan2383MoAggiejwhdshack8mc_funbagsCurly_gurl135anerdonfireOutOnTheMoors
    MasterOfFuryCarter_TCBHisDancingBitchletsdancebitchs
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Were you born a bitch or did that get fucked into you?

    • 1,027
    • FAVS
    caffedupsquirrelsnnutsmyerisedTouchOfAlchemyanerdonfireJesssicleOutOnTheMoorsstarwarsshirt
    • 345
    • RETWEETS
    trey_curreysquirrelsnnutssquirrel74wkgnTouchOfAlchemyanerdonfireOutOnTheMoorslllvvvzzzSureshMKothari
    MzSweetcheeks_eTHEgoddessDEUXCajunKuzin________FunnyInMyHead
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    At times my tweets can be over the top and offensive. If at any time I've ever offended you, I sincerely say... Man the fuck up.

    • 1,001
    • FAVS
    ShutUpThatsWhomanojmor7999kimnabqkratosfrostbiteBRSport1000Just_Oh_SusannabetowmxLBelle1
    • 369
    • RETWEETS
    AbhayaaaaJust_Oh_Susannadshack8mc_funbagsKeionLJonesMasterOfFuryiKipsangSavage_Scavange
    tehBoodha_________Prozach74________RadOrDieEgg_Plantation____
@One_FineMess

@One_FineMess
Pro

I'm a chick that digs chicks. I love dudes. I just don't fuck them.