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  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    A cig takes 7 minutes off your life

    A piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life

    According to my calculations I should have died in 1812

    • 4,790
    • FAVS
    SatyricrogTheReal_AndyMacARayRobinsonVanilla_cupcakPedroRedBlueamcrittgossipechoTaIkDirtyToomey
    • 3,398
    • RETWEETS
    SatyricrogARayRobinsonVanilla_cupcakTaIkDirtyToomeyMauer_PauerAi_bbeewhiskey_smashedChampagneHappy
    RandomManik__OnlyFastEddiethetobbieMichaelLarrickswiftenhaalBillFienbergpbear79Jennifergr8caliraingirlI_Mee_Myself_ShaunRightNowadamtrossgolflvvzzKindOfASmartass__AllThingsCLEVEjferg1616skullpuppy11sarcazm2RedJakiBlueJaySuchMarcusTheTokenpinaplMosedogg
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    My voicemail greeting:

    Hey, it's me. Please hang up and text me.

    • 4,663
    • FAVS
    BredwhIncessantRanterfinch_freemanJenn_WinsShawn_me5EvannOseyeJ_IllunninatiQuartzjixler
    • 2,925
    • RETWEETS
    BredwhIAmRikaBosendiquoteEvannOseyeCammille26J_IllunninatiQuartzjixlerRoxyPriscoH
    _jennjennthetobbieKendellMaddenTitansHomerlvvzzjus4golfdonofalltrades1tylerisajokemomma0315iBlayne__DsTwitzhoneybadgerMeldjr_102VeuxsNotoriousCLEnoogJustASmirkTwitacide________
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    If two people love each other nothing is impossible...

    Except deciding where to eat.

    • 3,750
    • FAVS
    TheReal_AndyMacVanilla_cupcakBredwhLeavittKatgirl_a_whirlMcChucklenutsPrero22juneohara65
    • 2,804
    • RETWEETS
    Vanilla_cupcakBredwhLeavittKatndiquotenotyourpapaxander_nehemiahgirl_a_whirlLusin_Kara
    BwanaChris1800RandygvicksiGreenMonkHairyJew4LifepalokinJosesLovesYouCYComedyslave_leia__martianhaiku______jferg1616Mr_goose007nativerogueportajon__________RummyLaudedhoneybadgerMelpiplips
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    You all hate smokers until you need to light a birthday cake…

    • 3,255
    • FAVS
    Janella_DuboisiArianaEmpiresjessicaaknoxjacobsfriends35ufotaylorKarlCook666JessiesPeachshade_tea
    • 2,482
    • RETWEETS
    nop_no_usernameKarlCook666IkariaEvansonYung_MulwaBoscoRocHOVELYZZshade_teapsychnurseprobz
    TheBeerGuy73MrsJekyllsHydePeaceInTruth1curlymalloyKostandinia______Xalqeecessperiencemarebytes
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Snooki is breeding and you mother fuckers are worried about gay marriage...

    • 2,737
    • FAVS
    ohorns2interestinggirl_a_whirlscott_atlantaShawn_me5EvannOseyejuking6Quartzjixler
    • 2,036
    • RETWEETS
    girl_a_whirlnoihg543wdscott_atlantaEvannOseyejuking6Cammille26rutherenoiamnotQuartzjixler
    SharpeBytesbabyblue0924StarksWeek__itsaRawDawgSweetestSarcasmKendellMaddenKate_GoldsmithGroperCleveland
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    You had me irritated at hello...

    • 2,644
    • FAVS
    kum_kardashianIowaHarleyGirlbwhodatrobbsneh646broncogirl_1976bjb_1127marallensekathy_derosa
    • 1,696
    • RETWEETS
    Zondi_AQueerlyInsaneIowaHarleyGirlsneh646bjb_1127marallensekathy_derosaShut_up_Marissa
    TheBeerGuy73Ideal_VictoriafelixosheaSarcasticsapienlittlekitnerboyCpin42cynicuhlmrschaotic__
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    No... I'm not drunk.

    Floors need hugs too...

    • 2,248
    • FAVS
    Bredwhohornsgirl_a_whirlMableGertrudefewwordsonlyUp2LongmariapatrabitterADDitude
    • 1,221
    • RETWEETS
    Bredwhgirl_a_whirlfewwordsonlyUp2LongddsmidtarcherenemyRebelFatimaKRISTINB5150
    RyanKeith15______DukeOfOyl________mrt1mHeyZeus666heated___________bdbdleeroybrown
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    It’s not you.

    It’s me.

    I have standards.

    • 1,994
    • FAVS
    TheReal_AndyMacVanilla_cupcakohornsgirl_a_whirlMableGertrude_LadyJen_fewwordsonlyUp2Long
    • 1,305
    • RETWEETS
    UnemployedEngVanilla_cupcaknotyourpapagirl_a_whirlfewwordsonlyUp2Longontheroxxydebsdsu91
    SharpeBytespeachey_keenMaxine12333Smirk_NinjaLostWarriorPoet__Nicholey23HysteriaBarbieThedudishTDD_Says_Trophy
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Being on Twitter doesn't mean you don't have a life. It means you have a life worth tweeting about.

    • 1,837
    • FAVS
    TheReal_AndyMacVanilla_cupcakgirl_a_whirldru0887heer3967fewwordsonlyUp2LongerrNocturnal
    • 1,047
    • RETWEETS
    Vanilla_cupcaknotyourpapagirl_a_whirldru0887fewwordsonlyUp2LongPwnStar629junejuly12
    OneLastStranger__SamePageDifDayBruceForcethetobbieBigBagOfScumloribuckmajorThe_MentalystLeaMehannathedailymarkerblueshellsd______
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    I'm glad that we as humans settled on the hand shake as a greeting instead of the whole ass sniffing thing.

    • 1,896
    • FAVS
    notyourpapaohornslethabomaesela1AnotherDamnLisaDonnaZachareMrTexasEwinggirl_a_whirlMcChucklenuts
    • 968
    • RETWEETS
    CharmandBrainsjaimefrenchielethabomaesela1_beefcakes__girl_a_whirlPrero22SillyGurujuneohara65
    MsSScandal__treadmilldgigglegirlnoelchrisanna4realgingerfacedprontopupKittySaysMeeowSleepsinwetspotNorthernMagic____
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    I plan on getting "never invited back" drunk tonight.

    • 1,795
    • FAVS
    LyndiUnlockedwhat2vrSumit__xPRidenerTinabaseballchickieBalentColeendaddyshotgunhmmurdock103
    • 932
    • RETWEETS
    RidenerTinapam_c_mworkday2015baseballchickieBalentColeendaddyshotgunhmmurdock103andeedelilah
    lynyrdsbackyardHurly_BurlyTrueTorontoGirl
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    When I have to make a phone call and it goes to voicemail...

    I feel like I just won the lottery.

    • 1,761
    • FAVS
    ohornslethabomaesela1xosmgirl_a_whirlfewwordsonlyLinz1eUp2LongBigJonBul
    • 889
    • RETWEETS
    notyourpapalethabomaesela1girl_a_whirlfewwordsonlyUp2LongSteveKoehler22jillybeans1982govtdude
    Social_MimeAspersioncasttissytassy13______Stoneman1122______
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn't matter. It's all good.

    But a Pepsi drinker...

    • 1,555
    • FAVS
    fewwordsonlyLinz1eUp2Longthe_rock_chicjjafbmtheprincesscacMamaleh2PapaBurritos
    • 755
    • RETWEETS
    fewwordsonlyUp2LongSam_CratesPapaBurritosMr_KapowskiOne2thTEXANBWNewYorkCanadianMclovin
    Marcisgoinham__CherBear162JustASmirk
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Fuck Waldo... Where am I?

    • 1,443
    • FAVS
    swirlOsquirrelNancy_ThaisaintoskenMNeuroticTeargasLawiThe1WhosCrazyzennmasterSilleVio
    • 669
    • RETWEETS
    swirlOsquirrelThe1WhosCrazySilleViojaggedape662x3lethabomaesela1atleast90_beefcakes__
    Savage_ScavangeGenevieve0404marebytes
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    The problem with MILFs... kids.

    • 1,430
    • FAVS
    McChucklenutsRICKSH0Wjuneohara65fewwordsonlyUp2LongJack_Batterygarbageguy420DrtyHippi
    • 483
    • RETWEETS
    juneohara65fewwordsonlyi_wasnt_lookingOverxposdT_A_Whitney2happyrightTkapilrautelaThedontoya
    IamEveryDayPplCantankerous_E
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    The fact that we are still debating equal rights for all US citizens in the year 2012 is fucking embarrassing.

    • 1,108
    • FAVS
    girl_a_whirlthejodiestfewwordsonlySteampunk_SkunkUp2LongBigJonBulgarbageguy420thequeensheart
    • 530
    • RETWEETS
    girl_a_whirlfewwordsonlyUp2Longgarbageguy420thequeenshearti_wasnt_lookingOne2thTEXANQuietmonkey77
    honeybadgerMelnativerogueDeanB15Cayenne7300Kim_pulsivePeaceInTruth1Sci_Fi_Geek
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    I repeat...

    Twitter is about people. Not followers.

    Stop being a little bitch.

    • 1,139
    • FAVS
    scott_atlantafewwordsonlyUp2LongWardS419FakeDeanAccountDrtyHippii_wasnt_lookingSteveKoehler22
    • 431
    • RETWEETS
    scott_atlantafewwordsonlyTheBeerGuy73i_wasnt_lookingSteveKoehler22One2thTEXANarcherenemyImCMJadeja
    MasterOfFuryCarter_TCBHisDancingBitchletsdancebitchs
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    You know the one you lie awake at night and think about.

    The one every song reminds you of.

    The one your heart aches for.

    Go. Get. Her.

    • 1,070
    • FAVS
    lionynVanilla_cupcakHormonelladru0887SSparklesDailyianjalivaswanifewwordsonlyi_wasnt_looking
    • 495
    • RETWEETS
    Vanilla_cupcakdru0887fewwordsonlySteveKoehler22One2thTEXANBroncosfam22paulablu22justmegirlRR
    SerialFuckupladyfiredancerrain247mannativeroguehipchkk
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Were you born a bitch or did that get fucked into you?

    • 1,122
    • FAVS
    dru0887ianjalivaswanifewwordsonlyUp2LongBigJonBulpauldavies19saleprvicasifavstar
    • 399
    • RETWEETS
    fewwordsonlybradgearoni_wasnt_lookingOne2thTEXANarcherenemyDontTouchMyWineEthanVosatkapaulablu22
    MzSweetcheeks_eTHEgoddessDEUX__CajunKuzin________FunnyInMyHead
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    At times my tweets can be over the top and offensive. If at any time I've ever offended you, I sincerely say... Man the fuck up.

    • 1,087
    • FAVS
    TheReal_AndyMacVanilla_cupcaklethabomaesela1girl_a_whirlscott_atlantaSinkholesICwmDumpsterBabyVampiros
    • 424
    • RETWEETS
    Vanilla_cupcaklethabomaesela1girl_a_whirlscott_atlantaSinkholesIClevetroitBabyVampirosMishaCoxxx
    tehBoodha_________Prozach74________RadOrDie__Egg_Plantation____
@One_FineMess

@One_FineMess
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I'm a chick that digs chicks. I love dudes. I just don't fuck them.

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