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  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    A cig takes 7 minutes off your life

    A piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life

    According to my calculations I should have died in 1812

    • 4,266
    • FAVS
    Beckiemiller_Smiggsgerryhatricmjkspeaksmsbrintnpandorarecordsaskuseasbadasbadcanbe
    • 3,034
    • RETWEETS
    Beckiemiller_gerryhatricmjkspeaksmsbrintnpandorarecordsasbadasbadcanbeMsSScandalli4mst3w4rt
    RandomManikOnlyFastEddiethetobbieMichaelLarrickswiftenhaalBillFienbergpbear79Jennifergr8caliraingirlI_Mee_Myself_ShaunRightNowMcJizzernutzlvvzzKindOfASmartass__AllThingsCLEVEjferg1616skullpuppy11sarcazm2RedJakiBlueJaySuchMarcusTheTokenpinaplMosedogg
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    My voicemail greeting:

    Hey, it's me. Please hang up and text me.

    • 4,041
    • FAVS
    YaMalushkawelcometomyjulyNotPeterStarkGringoXavMadAxesjesrmcclureMsSScandalmisshays_
    • 2,518
    • RETWEETS
    NotPeterStarkHyphophreniajesrmcclureMsSScandalli4mst3w4rtmishmashbelleSpaced_Cowboy00Shut_up_Marissa
    thetobbieAHoundNamedAlbaTitansHomerlvvzzjus4golfdonofalltrades1tylerisajokemomma0315iBlayneDsTwitzhoneybadgerMeldjr_102VeuxsNotoriousCLEnoogJustASmirkTwitacide________
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    If two people love each other nothing is impossible...

    Except deciding where to eat.

    • 3,441
    • FAVS
    redpawn3MishyMshNikoleRichard_MichigansHotMestexasstalkermomSinner_Sydc_w4lkerNotPeterStark
    • 2,611
    • RETWEETS
    MishyMshtweetsoulGiniHerbstchameleons0ul_texasstalkermomPopsYodaNotPeterStarkMsSScandal
    BwanaChris1800RandygvicksiGreenMonkHairyJew4LifepalokinJosesLovesYouCYComedyslave_leia__martianhaiku______jferg1616Mr_goose007nativerogueportajon__________RummyLaudedhoneybadgerMelpiplips
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    You all hate smokers until you need to light a birthday cake…

    • 2,876
    • FAVS
    BrandonFord5msbrintn1NiteNtheHamptsCashierNumber6junejuly12welcometomyjulyNotPeterStarkjesrmcclure
    • 2,262
    • RETWEETS
    msbrintnjunejuly12NotPeterStarkMsSScandalli4mst3w4rtSpaced_Cowboy00tiny_quillatanya1111
    TheBeerGuy73MrsJekyllsHydePeaceInTruth1curlymalloyKostandinia______Xalqeecessperiencemarebytes
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Snooki is breeding and you mother fuckers are worried about gay marriage...

    • 2,594
    • FAVS
    JennFetchtanialunrealNotPeterStarkMsSScandalli4mst3w4rtKelleyCracknellGre_GoneSpaced_Cowboy00
    • 1,961
    • RETWEETS
    underyourbed666NotPeterStarkMsSScandalli4mst3w4rtSpaced_Cowboy00ninjadinosaur1BrownBoxerscynthetism
    babyblue0924StarksWeek__itsaRawDawgSweetestSarcasmAHoundNamedAlbaKate_GoldsmithGroperCleveland
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    You had me irritated at hello...

    • 2,332
    • FAVS
    MeganMfMaloneourfamilycarrcambusladdeutschheutepiper_67_jkramblesjamswftTower_Tramp
    • 1,429
    • RETWEETS
    cambusladDylanMartin07AintARealNiqqapiper_67_adityaaomTower_Trampitshypnotizingrakhawy
    Ideal_VictoriaGrumpyCommentsSarcasticsapienlittlekitnerboyCpin42cynicuhlmrschaotic
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    No... I'm not drunk.

    Floors need hugs too...

    • 2,152
    • FAVS
    BullsBabe005MsSScandalNotPeterStarkli4mst3w4rtSpaced_Cowboy00ryangriffithsninjadinosaur1thexythara
    • 1,160
    • RETWEETS
    MsSScandalNotPeterStarkSpaced_Cowboy00ryangriffithsthexytharaBrownBoxerskrishna_vannotanymore112
    RyanKeith15______DukeOfOyl________mrt1mHeyZeus666heated___________bdbdleeroybrown
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    It’s not you.

    It’s me.

    I have standards.

    • 1,863
    • FAVS
    BullsBabe005MsSScandalmsbrintnjlynnkeele2bjazzNotPeterStarklowlow_17funnybeachgirl
    • 1,212
    • RETWEETS
    MsSScandal2bjazzNotPeterStarkli4mst3w4rtBrownBoxersKingpenguinrockIrinaAsanova1ruffyoung
    peachey_keenMaxine12333Smirk_NinjaLostWarriorPoet__Nicholey23HysteriaBarbieThedudishTDD_Says_Trophy
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Being on Twitter doesn't mean you don't have a life. It means you have a life worth tweeting about.

    • 1,731
    • FAVS
    MsSScandalli4mst3w4rtSpaced_Cowboy00ryangriffithsninjadinosaur1RadioSweetieBrownBoxersHelmdawgE
    • 962
    • RETWEETS
    MsSScandalli4mst3w4rtryangriffithsBrownBoxersHelmdawgEmc_funbagsSharpeBytesheatherlou_
    BruceForcethetobbieBigBagOfScumloribuckmajorThe_MentalystLeaMehannathedailymarkerblueshellsd______
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    I'm glad that we as humans settled on the hand shake as a greeting instead of the whole ass sniffing thing.

    • 1,725
    • FAVS
    NotPeterStarknobodys_girl_11melliewagspinningnutanne_seattleMsSScandalli4mst3w4rtSpaced_Cowboy00
    • 830
    • RETWEETS
    NotPeterStarkpinningnutanne_seattleMsSScandalwallybertninjadinosaur1HuttonGrayBrownBoxers
    MsSScandaltreadmilldgigglegirlnoelchrisanna4realgingerfacedprontopupKittySaysMeeowSleepsinwetspotNorthernMagic____
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    When I have to make a phone call and it goes to voicemail...

    I feel like I just won the lottery.

    • 1,637
    • FAVS
    _NevertheIessMsSScandalkatlinlove47Ignorant_IndianStevenKConlonfunnybeachgirlTheGraveGatsbyNotPeterStark
    • 801
    • RETWEETS
    MsSScandalIgnorant_IndianNotPeterStarkTheSinneramysonallakhanpalli4mst3w4rtryangriffithsnmpaulus
    Social_MimeAspersioncasttissytassy13______Stoneman1122______
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    I plan on getting "never invited back" drunk tonight.

    • 1,576
    • FAVS
    msbrintnKylekuhn101li4mst3w4rtSpaced_Cowboy00ryangriffithsBrownBoxersrdkb2003HelmdawgE
    • 802
    • RETWEETS
    lowlow_17li4mst3w4rtrdkb2003HelmdawgEnotanymore112iCatty1LovelyFiltersmjkspeaks
    lynyrdsbackyardHurly_BurlyTrueTorontoGirl
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn't matter. It's all good.

    But a Pepsi drinker...

    • 1,464
    • FAVS
    jkpeterson777JennFetch1NiteNtheHamptsWill_Hollerunghannah_landi99ayytwixZaccDino_TBlake_
    • 696
    • RETWEETS
    1NiteNtheHamptsayytwixNotPeterStarkseeyou_hearmeFilthyHandlejunejuly12li4mst3w4rtleafsgirl420
    Marcisgoinham__CherBear162JustASmirk
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Fuck Waldo... Where am I?

    • 1,322
    • FAVS
    li4mst3w4rtSpaced_Cowboy00ninjadinosaur1BrownBoxersHelmdawgEParentNormalcolbymarcusalpharetweet
    • 580
    • RETWEETS
    SuperNovaLRDBrownBoxersbetowmxdshack8ameo02BunnylennoxSharpeBytesCurly_gurl135
    Savage_ScavangeGenevieve0404marebytes
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    The problem with MILFs... kids.

    • 1,308
    • FAVS
    li4mst3w4rtSpaced_Cowboy00ryangriffithsninjadinosaur1BrownBoxersHelmdawgEParentNormalmc_funbags
    • 415
    • RETWEETS
    li4mst3w4rtleafsgirl420ryangriffithsBrownBoxersHelmdawgEmc_funbagsCurly_gurl135BitterBeyatch__
    IamEveryDayPplCantankerous_E
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    The fact that we are still debating equal rights for all US citizens in the year 2012 is fucking embarrassing.

    • 1,062
    • FAVS
    SadieSmithRoksNotPeterStarkli4mst3w4rtSpaced_Cowboy00leafsgirl420ryangriffithsBrownBoxersShutUpThatsWho
    • 501
    • RETWEETS
    NotPeterStarkryangriffithsBrownBoxersmjkspeaksmc_funbagsCurly_gurl135GreensboroVetsheseemslegit
    honeybadgerMelnativerogueDeanB15Cayenne7300Kim_pulsivePeaceInTruth1Sci_Fi_Geek
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    You know the one you lie awake at night and think about.

    The one every song reminds you of.

    The one your heart aches for.

    Go. Get. Her.

    • 996
    • FAVS
    li4mst3w4rtSpaced_Cowboy00ryangriffithsninjadinosaur1HiddleDeeDeeBrownBoxerseTHEgoddessmjkspeaks
    • 460
    • RETWEETS
    li4mst3w4rtHiddleDeeDeeBrownBoxersmjkspeaksmc_funbagsduke85fanCurly_gurl135anerdonfire
    SerialFuckupladyfiredancerrain247mannativeroguehipchkk
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    I repeat...

    Twitter is about people. Not followers.

    Stop being a little bitch.

    • 1,046
    • FAVS
    li4mst3w4rtWondrousJRLSpaced_Cowboy00ryangriffithsninjadinosaur1HuttonGrayBrownBoxersJaneBadall
    • 380
    • RETWEETS
    li4mst3w4rtsquirrel74wkgnryangriffithsBrownBoxersbetowmxMorgan2383MoAggiejwhdshack8
    MasterOfFuryCarter_TCBHisDancingBitchletsdancebitchs
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    At times my tweets can be over the top and offensive. If at any time I've ever offended you, I sincerely say... Man the fuck up.

    • 1,021
    • FAVS
    JosiaArianaGinAndJifAllenStarr1realmcintoshmtnbikerdenismimimosi6SadieSmithRoksNotPeterStark
    • 389
    • RETWEETS
    FTAssistancelizajames1968AllenStarr1Essex_Exilelee_alleyRobtmufcEdwoodwood25Holbornlolz
    tehBoodha_________Prozach74________RadOrDieEgg_Plantation____
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Were you born a bitch or did that get fucked into you?

    • 1,033
    • FAVS
    msbrintnli4mst3w4rtSpaced_Cowboy00ryangriffithsJediGesseritBrownBoxerscaffedupsquirrelsnnuts
    • 347
    • RETWEETS
    ryangriffithsBrownBoxerstrey_curreysquirrelsnnutssquirrel74wkgnTouchOfAlchemyanerdonfireOutOnTheMoors
    MzSweetcheeks_eTHEgoddessDEUXCajunKuzin________FunnyInMyHead
@One_FineMess

@One_FineMess
Pro

I'm a chick that digs chicks. I love dudes. I just don't fuck them.