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A cig takes 7 minutes off your life
A piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life
According to my calculations I should have died in 1812
My voicemail greeting:
Hey, it's me. Please hang up and text me.
If two people love each other nothing is impossible...
Except deciding where to eat.
You all hate smokers until you need to light a birthday cake…
Snooki is breeding and you mother fuckers are worried about gay marriage...
You had me irritated at hello...
It’s not you.
I have standards.
No... I'm not drunk.
Floors need hugs too...
I'm glad that we as humans settled on the hand shake as a greeting instead of the whole ass sniffing thing.
Being on Twitter doesn't mean you don't have a life. It means you have a life worth tweeting about.
I plan on getting "never invited back" drunk tonight.
When I have to make a phone call and it goes to voicemail...
I feel like I just won the lottery.
Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn't matter. It's all good.
But a Pepsi drinker...
Fuck Waldo... Where am I?
The problem with MILFs... kids.
The fact that we are still debating equal rights for all US citizens in the year 2012 is fucking embarrassing.
Twitter is about people. Not followers.
Stop being a little bitch.
You know the one you lie awake at night and think about.
The one every song reminds you of.
The one your heart aches for.
Go. Get. Her.
Were you born a bitch or did that get fucked into you?
At times my tweets can be over the top and offensive. If at any time I've ever offended you, I sincerely say... Man the fuck up.
I'm a chick that digs chicks. I love dudes. I just don't fuck them.
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