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  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    A cig takes 7 minutes off your life

    A piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life

    According to my calculations I should have died in 1812

    • 4,234
    • FAVS
    ParentNormalSStrong1111JoeZabinskigedankenmalerinkrishna_vanffrasky_The_Medusa_aparticularway
    • 3,013
    • RETWEETS
    JoeZabinskiemfobrownkrishna_vanffraskyaparticularwaygrendeldavecynthetismMrJamesThorpe
    RandomManikOnlyFastEddiethetobbieMichaelLarrickswiftenhaalBillFienbergpbear79Jennifergr8caliraingirlI_Mee_Myself_ShaunRightNowMcJizzernutzlvvzzKindOfASmartass__AllThingsCLEVEjferg1616skullpuppy11sarcazm2RedJakiBlueJaySuchMarcusTheTokenpinaplMosedogg
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    My voicemail greeting:

    Hey, it's me. Please hang up and text me.

    • 4,008
    • FAVS
    ParentNormalkrazchiklisa422SassyPantsMcGhemiss_bridgiemichaelm_ooreHollyNrsBethUnbalancedMsSouthernStems
    • 2,502
    • RETWEETS
    julieswoodsSassyPantsMcGhemiss_bridgieMsSouthernStemsloudmouth_usamc_funbagsSexySpainNightsheatherlou_
    thetobbieAHoundNamedAlbaTitansHomerlvvzzjus4golfdonofalltrades1tylerisajokemomma0315iBlayneDsTwitzhoneybadgerMeldjr_102VeuxsNotoriousCLEnoogJustASmirkTwitacide________
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    If two people love each other nothing is impossible...

    Except deciding where to eat.

    • 3,391
    • FAVS
    ParentNormalkrishna_vanlaurenclark78PlayKatedBullsBabe005beccachristineeOohereshecomesirishbrad
    • 2,582
    • RETWEETS
    krishna_vanShutUpThatsWhoLizDominguez11walker8701Rude_Rasta_KarenC_x33christiana7876Twist_ed_Myind
    1800RandygvicksiGreenMonkHairyJew4LifepalokinJosesLovesYouCYComedyslave_leia__martianhaiku______jferg1616Mr_goose007nativerogueportajon__________RummyLaudedhoneybadgerMelpiplips
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    You all hate smokers until you need to light a birthday cake…

    • 2,857
    • FAVS
    ParentNormalImperfect_KaranImanBee123jestcoastloudmouth_usamc_funbagsjustwanttobeme3A_Bike_Guy
    • 2,252
    • RETWEETS
    emfobrownImperfect_Karankoolrhythmkrishna_vanwho_roxloudmouth_usamc_funbagsA_Bike_Guy
    TheBeerGuy73MrsJekyllsHydePeaceInTruth1curlymalloyKostandinia______Xalqeecessperiencemarebytes
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Snooki is breeding and you mother fuckers are worried about gay marriage...

    • 2,580
    • FAVS
    ParentNormalcolbymarcusannnarchyalpharetweetEdwinaCrumplelllvvvzzzTheRealTayRayCollFballQuest
    • 1,954
    • RETWEETS
    cynthetismkmart120spidr2ybananaB000ThangabbeysbooksVickey_39256danny_mcclellanTrashgodDave
    babyblue0924StarksWeekitsaRawDawgSweetestSarcasmAHoundNamedAlbaKate_GoldsmithGroperCleveland
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    You had me irritated at hello...

    • 2,291
    • FAVS
    ParentNormalmc_funbagsheatherlou_MadamBetteNoireiMayaK_tamponsnvodkanot_BurntOut911myerised
    • 1,406
    • RETWEETS
    cynthetismmc_funbagsheatherlou_iMayaK__definitlymaybeloudmouth_usanot_BurntOut911myerised
    Ideal_VictoriaGrumpyCommentsSarcasticsapienlittlekitnerboyCpin42cynicuhlmrschaotic
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    No... I'm not drunk.

    Floors need hugs too...

    • 2,142
    • FAVS
    ParentNormalgedankenmalerinspaceHedgehogZombieMom00mjkspeaksArgumentOctomc_funbagsiMayaK_
    • 1,154
    • RETWEETS
    krishna_vannotanymore112iCatty1mjkspeaksmc_funbagsiMayaK_FilterlessFemmemyerised
    RyanKeith15______DukeOfOyl________mrt1mHeyZeus666heated___________bdbdleeroybrown
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    It’s not you.

    It’s me.

    I have standards.

    • 1,848
    • FAVS
    ParentNormalKittenMrowlKingpenguinrockCh8rmingIrinaAsanova1Deneffeedaphneevoraruffyoung
    • 1,208
    • RETWEETS
    KingpenguinrockIrinaAsanova1ruffyoungiCatty1mjkspeaksmc_funbagsSharpeBytesheatherlou_
    peachey_keenMaxine12333Smirk_NinjaLostWarriorPoet__Nicholey23HysteriaBarbieThedudishTDD_Says_Trophy
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Being on Twitter doesn't mean you don't have a life. It means you have a life worth tweeting about.

    • 1,723
    • FAVS
    ParentNormalmc_funbagsurvibarmanAtheistEngineerheatherlou_pantsahoytrashtasticaIamAaqibRahim
    • 957
    • RETWEETS
    mc_funbagsSharpeBytesheatherlou_trashtasticamyerisedJoannaLLUnderchildeCurly_gurl135
    BruceForcethetobbieBigBagOfScumloribuckmajorThe_MentalystLeaMehannathedailymarkerblueshellsd______
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    I'm glad that we as humans settled on the hand shake as a greeting instead of the whole ass sniffing thing.

    • 1,709
    • FAVS
    ParentNormalCletusHammerSamm_Limheatherlou_texasstalkermomevanecclestoneBreane6TnucTew
    • 820
    • RETWEETS
    heatherlou_TheKamsinGirlevanecclestoneGanderGinskebrownHlaoRooTnucTewGingerGander
    treadmilldgigglegirlnoelchrisanna4realgingerfacedprontopupKittySaysMeeowSleepsinwetspotNorthernMagic____
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    When I have to make a phone call and it goes to voicemail...

    I feel like I just won the lottery.

    • 1,620
    • FAVS
    ParentNormalDipxsssmc_funbagsheatherlou_myerisedShrewdSimianSoGoFuCurly_gurl135
    • 791
    • RETWEETS
    Dipxsssmc_funbagsheatherlou_myerisedCurly_gurl135BitterBeyatch__mrsmauiMisterMe300
    Social_MimeAspersioncasttissytassy13______Stoneman1122______
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    I plan on getting "never invited back" drunk tonight.

    • 1,569
    • FAVS
    ParentNormalsamantharaexnoranutterjanePieceoworkmjkspeaksjessokfineblurryfotoSoGoFu
    • 800
    • RETWEETS
    notanymore112iCatty1LovelyFiltersmjkspeaksSoGoFuIamEveryDayPplAWilson52FueledByGuac
    lynyrdsbackyardHurly_BurlyTrueTorontoGirl
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn't matter. It's all good.

    But a Pepsi drinker...

    • 1,441
    • FAVS
    ParentNormalShutUpThatsWhoCravin4heatherlou_myerisedCurly_gurl135SassyTexasGalBitterBeyatch__
    • 684
    • RETWEETS
    Cravin4heatherlou_SharonTheNerdmyerisedCurly_gurl135SassyTexasGalBitterBeyatch__Mayrommom
    Marcisgoinham__CherBear162JustASmirk
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Fuck Waldo... Where am I?

    • 1,317
    • FAVS
    ParentNormalcolbymarcusalpharetweetbetowmxLBelle1aKhalifa101FuzzyPimplepantsahoy
    • 578
    • RETWEETS
    betowmxdshack8ameo02BunnylennoxSharpeBytesCurly_gurl135BitterBeyatch__SoapCraze
    Savage_ScavangeGenevieve0404marebytes
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    The problem with MILFs... kids.

    • 1,302
    • FAVS
    ParentNormalmc_funbagsShrewdSimianCurly_gurl135BitterBeyatch__starwarsshirtTweetingDadGuymizundastoodmes__
    • 410
    • RETWEETS
    mc_funbagsCurly_gurl135BitterBeyatch__mizundastoodmes__JubafisheriBLOOdyNONSENSEavekarlnovicefather
    IamEveryDayPplCantankerous_E
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    The fact that we are still debating equal rights for all US citizens in the year 2012 is fucking embarrassing.

    • 1,055
    • FAVS
    ShutUpThatsWhoeTHEgoddessMadamBetteNoirelisavengestaBarW38mjkspeaksmc_funbagsheatherlou_
    • 498
    • RETWEETS
    mjkspeaksmc_funbagsCurly_gurl135GreensboroVetsheseemslegitt2_tobinlllvvvzzzAGreaterMonster
    honeybadgerMelnativerogueDeanB15Cayenne7300Kim_pulsivePeaceInTruth1Sci_Fi_Geek
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    You know the one you lie awake at night and think about.

    The one every song reminds you of.

    The one your heart aches for.

    Go. Get. Her.

    • 991
    • FAVS
    eTHEgoddessmjkspeaksmc_funbagscrazyinsane8Curly_gurl135AndyAsAdjectiveTouchOfAlchemyanerdonfire
    • 457
    • RETWEETS
    mjkspeaksmc_funbagscrazyinsane8Curly_gurl135anerdonfireOutOnTheMoorsTobinsanbbyvelociraptor
    SerialFuckupladyfiredancerrain247mannativeroguehipchkk
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    I repeat...

    Twitter is about people. Not followers.

    Stop being a little bitch.

    • 1,039
    • FAVS
    JaneBadallbetowmxArtfulDetectivebeckly_frecklyMorgan2383MothatgirlCostaAggiejwhJulesC70
    • 376
    • RETWEETS
    betowmxMorgan2383MoAggiejwhdshack8mc_funbagsCurly_gurl135anerdonfireOutOnTheMoors
    MasterOfFuryCarter_TCBHisDancingBitchletsdancebitchs
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Were you born a bitch or did that get fucked into you?

    • 1,027
    • FAVS
    caffedupsquirrelsnnutsmyerisedTouchOfAlchemyanerdonfireJesssicleOutOnTheMoorsstarwarsshirt
    • 345
    • RETWEETS
    trey_curreysquirrelsnnutssquirrel74wkgnTouchOfAlchemyanerdonfireOutOnTheMoorslllvvvzzzSureshMKothari
    MzSweetcheeks_eTHEgoddessDEUXCajunKuzin________FunnyInMyHead
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    At times my tweets can be over the top and offensive. If at any time I've ever offended you, I sincerely say... Man the fuck up.

    • 1,001
    • FAVS
    ShutUpThatsWhomanojmor7999kimnabqkratosfrostbiteBRSport1000Just_Oh_SusannabetowmxLBelle1
    • 369
    • RETWEETS
    AbhayaaaaJust_Oh_Susannadshack8mc_funbagsKeionLJonesMasterOfFuryiKipsangSavage_Scavange
    tehBoodha_________Prozach74________RadOrDieEgg_Plantation____
@One_FineMess

@One_FineMess
Pro

I'm a chick that digs chicks. I love dudes. I just don't fuck them.