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I think I just invented the "subtweet trophy".
Pretty impressed with myself right now.
You love them because they're family...
Never mind that their shitty human beings?
I bet you also believe in "participation" trophies.
Why is it that unannounced company are always the people you'd prefer to see the least...
It's not even November yet, but I'm already twitching over the sounds of the inevitable Salvation Army Christmas bells.
I'm on a list titled "often good stuff"
Suck on that you Twitter "elite"
Medicated and employed
Free mind, free spirit, living in a box
Sometimes the choice isn't as clear as you think it would be
Just had my first ever banana MoonPie and welcome to my 600lb life.
"All circuits are currently busy. Please try your call again later."
WTF... Did I travel back to the 70's while I was asleep.
I will continue to love her well beyond my last breath.
How the fight started...
I can pay to get the house cleaned, eat out & have groceries delivered. You can be replaced by a couple of apps.
How soon is too soon to ask her to marry you once you find out she loves football as much as you.
No, YOU just looked inside an empty cigarette pack for the third time while praying for a miracle.
There's only one set of footprints in the sand because it's time you man up and take care of your own shit.
Just spent more time and effort trying to reach my phone charger than I would on a wedding ring that went down the sink.
Start the fucking game!!!
I'm a chick that digs chicks. I love dudes. I just don't fuck them.
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