Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
F: Have you ever been with a man?
Me: The closest I’ve ever been to a dick was at my conception.
“Unless it’s a shark attack I have no interest in the video clips you keep sending be from your beach trip.”
Keeping friends is hard.
Come on guys…
You can’t act like a pussy and then expect to get your dick sucked.
Do I want the taste of you on my tongue?
No thanks. I don’t do leftovers.
You only think I’m an asshole because I’m right.
Sex so good you have to order delivery because fuck making a sandwich.
Ever seen how excited the Publisher Clearing House winners are…
Then you’ve seen me opening the freezer and finding Twix ice cream.
No. I’m not bi-polar.
I play fantasy football.
Mom recently reminded me of the “if you don’t have anything nice to say” thing, in case you’re wondering why I haven’t tweeted in 4 days.
Bacon and cheese stuffed crust pizza.
I’ll be here weighing 300lbs if you need me.
Sitting at Waffle House I overheard a redneck trying to pronounce the word jalapeño and now my life is complete.
There’s a fucking cricket happily chirping in my bedroom and this is as close to camping as I care to get.
The lightbulb inside the refrigerator gets hot.
INSIDE. THE. REFRIGERATOR.
Now I have trust issues.
If you’re going to be annoyed by me screaming at NFL coaches for screwing with my fantasy team, you might want to unfollow now.
JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!
I scream to the jack hole holding up traffic while threatening to jump off the overpass.
People that say it’s about the journey and not the destination have never been held in your arms.
I'm a chick that digs chicks. I love dudes. I just don't fuck them.