Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Became a member of the neighborhood HOA Board because it increases my opportunities to make others miserable.
The dark circles under my eyes are from staying up all night thinking about you.
Ok, fine. They’re actually from my weekend cocaine bender.
Just spent $75 on gas faster than a dude reaching climax the first time he ever had sex.
Let me save you some effort. I don’t like you so there’s no need for you to put in the effort.
Ok. Great. Nice chat.
Sorry house guests…
I only shit in the guest bathroom because the master bath has a weak wifi connection.
Only the good die young, so I’ll be right here slowly rotting away on the inside for the next 100 years if you need me.
*see people having sex in car outside of restaurant*
F: They must be having an affair.
I now know how boring my friend’s sex life is.
I just tripped over absolutely nothing…
My parents really should have named me Grace.
Just found a blank tweet in my draft folder which pretty much sums up my ability to come up with shit anyone wants to read.
“You’re the reason we’re out here!”
What I screamed to the lawn mower when it started up and left me no excuse not to cut the grass.
I’ll be storing this years tax returns in the shredder.
I hate it when they star the wrong subtweet.
It’s not my fault the first 15 snack choices weren’t exactly what I was craving.
Never give up people. Persistence is important.
Maybe if you weren’t such a needy bitch they’d respect you in the morning. Probably not. But maybe.
My friends love me.
I'm a chick that digs chicks. I love dudes. I just don't fuck them.