Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
I haven’t felt suicidal in awhile.
When does Adele come out with her next album?
Based on the amount of Gatorade the 16 drinks, it seems that sitting on the couch playing with your phone requires a shit ton of rehydration
Are we still doing Ebola tweets or have those died off…
I’ve recently decided that God only helps those that don’t deserve it, so I’ve decided to become an even bigger asshole.
I switched cell phone providers today and I’ve ever felt more alive.
Apparently “narcissistic asshole” isn’t considered “constructive” feedback when doing peer evaluations at work.
I had to go see a podiatrist today, so if you know of any good old folks homes in your area let me know.
You try to bring back those fucking “spirit animal” tweets and I’ll shoot you, stuff you and hang you above my mantel.
As long as I’ve been at this you’d think I’d have found an easy way to crawl out of the darkness.
But demons learn new tricks too.
I need to make the bed.
There are some dreams that will fuck with your head all day.
If I’m ever in a coma and someone wakes me up, I’m going to be really pissed.
Thanks for boring me.
*quickly shuts door after company leaves*
Oh. You have one of those, he has his mistress, I have his money relationships.
It’s amazing how you fuckers can brighten my day.
Sorry… that’s about as sentimental as I get.
Lost my tennis match
The Falcons lost
My fish died
I did a 360 in the hwy median because people can’t fucking drive
And tomorrow is Monday
An animated movie featuring the voice of Tracy Morgan…
I’d rather have a vaginal exam in the middle of Time Square.
I'm a chick that digs chicks. I love dudes. I just don't fuck them.