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  • One_FineMess
     
    Dakota @One_FineMess

    Ha! Can I trophy an @? @just_lee_

    • 3
    • FAVS
    ParkerlawyerMirth_QuakeShock_Monster
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    CarolCarmine
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Hahaha!! Thank you @just_lee_ for the ToTD pick. He was really pretty. ;-)

    #FF @just_lee_

    • 1
    • FAV
    Just_Lee_
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    “I’m sorry I was flirting with your husband. I thought he was a lesbian.”

    Oddly, my truthfulness didn’t make the situation any less awkward

    • 42
    • FAVS
    byronblurbrustygunterTheRealAnchovyGideonJaggedNabila_lrrEvelyn_is_bordThe_MartiniGirlTinkerbell_
    • 16
    • RETWEETS
    TheRealAnchovyGideonJaggedKaysNHShock_MonsterFatChickinLAslyoung5StarksWeekaugustuswalls
    Just_Lee_
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Who me?

    Just sitting on the toilet, eating a KitKat and tweeting.

    You?

    • 29
    • FAVS
    jkramblesTheRealAnchovyslyoung5DBMaxPsmokeymccheefoJen_Up_KizerBillhelmlafpgh
    • 10
    • RETWEETS
    TheRealAnchovyJen_Up_FuckPickingNamenvondraatmsuScrambledMceggsXoolunImaFlyontheWallsquirrel74wkgn
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    My favorite part about exercising is how much I get to eat afterwards as my reward for being so disciplined.

    • 79
    • FAVS
    byronblurbjkramblesTheRealAnchovySgtBlueEyesgmossiiXalqeeslyoung5LMFOFL
    • 63
    • RETWEETS
    TheRealAnchovyrichardyong77Xalqeeslyoung5SupafunkadunkaiamMungaDBMaxPsoccerskiingmom
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Mon-Fri my insomnia keeps me up all night. On the flip side, my antisocial personality makes me too tired to go out out on the weekends.

    • 37
    • FAVS
    VioletHeathersTreeErvinTheRealAnchovyDBMaxPsmokeymccheefoJen_Up_curlymalloyMythicPicnic
    • 11
    • RETWEETS
    VioletHeathersTheRealAnchovyJen_Up_XoolunerinicholeEriKaLMcLsarcasticmommy4hernameismoody
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Your 4yo isn’t “strong willed”.

    She’s a fucking brat.

    • 132
    • FAVS
    jkramblesProudPapaDuffyheartsoflionsTheRealAnchovydnmac27YesImMattstinorsworldbrittneyyy
    • 40
    • RETWEETS
    ProudPapaDuffyTheRealAnchovygetoffmyplanetDBMaxPSolelyBJen_Up_Cheetoe4hiddenparticles
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Just dropped an ash on my sweatpants and burned a hole in them if you’re looking for the true definition of classy.

    • 67
    • FAVS
    ShaeAaronLisa_Laughs_TheRealAnchovymaymay72xJen_Up_curlymalloyParkmanSandiAngelaEhh
    • 27
    • RETWEETS
    UnderchildeTheRealAnchovymaymay72xJen_Up_HousewifeOfHellerin4091Maxine12333withanewname
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    I’m, see parents spank their kids in public and hear other parents say that’s going to be you if you don’t behave, years old.

    • 69
    • FAVS
    AmbEileenaTheWadestAmes_717jkramblesTheHoyBoy_TheRealAnchovyDBMaxPJen_Up_
    • 25
    • RETWEETS
    TheHoyBoy_TheRealAnchovyJen_Up_nayele18Marcocastro911KyleighSwSteelers1972DrunkkLawyer
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Just spent 3 hours at the town Easter festival with no phone, no smokes, 2 4yos, 1 6mo and my GF.

    *places mouth directly under jäger tap*

    • 88
    • FAVS
    TheRandySutraTheRealAnchovyJen_Up_AngelaEhhshanetheveinsarcasticmommy4HousewifeOfHellFaceyspace
    • 32
    • RETWEETS
    TheRealAnchovyJen_Up_sarahplegicKyleighSwvatalocaaSteelers1972bobw1owithanewname
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    “Boys will be boys”

    Is apparently how this lady justifies raising two pricks.

    • 129
    • FAVS
    TheRealAnchovyDBMaxPnabihajamalJen_Up_curlymalloykerryannocjack_nipplesstrolllyn
    • 42
    • RETWEETS
    Jen_Up_b_londie98michaelm_ooreDianeKannalyAngelaEhhKyleighSwTTruemanSamiex0x
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    An infants entertainment…

    *try’s to shove fist in mouth*
    *drools*
    *laughs hysterically*

    Sounds like me drunk on a Saturday night.

    • 52
    • FAVS
    randomchkkdreamthievinRevelleAmyDBMaxPhollywood_95_69Jen_Up_AngelaEhhnayele18
    • 20
    • RETWEETS
    ItsLacyBitchesDBMaxPhollywood_95_69Jen_Up_withanewnameGowittyallthingssniceCanibal_Hanibal
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Marriage may cause…

    Nausea, anxiety, insomnia, sexual dysfunction and severe mood swings.

    No thanks.
    I’ll stick with my alcohol and xanax.

    • 71
    • FAVS
    Jen_Up_curlymalloyAngelaEhhJustFollownRTnayele18PeaceInTruth1jehujeniwithanewname
    • 34
    • RETWEETS
    Jen_Up_withanewnameEdHernandez922Ochy_ZacharyallthingssniceTorqued69ruffyoungallforandrea
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    F: Why aren’t you on FB?

    I don’t like people

    F: But you’re on Twitter.

    I pretend they’re all bots

    F: …

    I pretend you’re the bionic man

    • 49
    • FAVS
    prettymonstersJen_Up_curlymalloyAngelaEhhPeaceInTruth1jehujeniSortaSarcasticmangochow1
    • 14
    • RETWEETS
    Jen_Up_SortaSarcastictealbluejaywithanewnameNickiiMcLawsonarithwesufyallforandreamadamcheezy
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Let me feed the baby real quick, has got to be the biggest fucking oxymoron in history.

    • 44
    • FAVS
    DBMaxPJen_Up_curlymalloyAngelaEhhPeaceInTruth1jehujeniwithanewnameGowitty
    • 13
    • RETWEETS
    pastinalynnJen_Up_withanewnameCanibal_HanibalTorqued69jeffswarensallforandreaXoolun
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    What the fuck people…

    That tweet popped in my head at 2am and my OCD insisted I write it down so I wouldn’t forget and it gets no love.

    • 39
    • FAVS
    Jen_Up_curlymalloyAngelaEhhPeaceInTruth1jehujeniwithanewnameGowittymjkspeaks
    • 9
    • RETWEETS
    Jen_Up_withanewnameFuckPickingNameallforandreaXoolunGoldenSpiralsmaymay72xCarolCarmine
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    I’ve decided the next Mormon reality show should use the Lay’s “betcha can’t eat just one” slogan as its title.

    • 45
    • FAVS
    Jen_Up_curlymalloyAngelaEhhJustFollownRTPeaceInTruth1jehujeniwithanewnameGowitty
    • 14
    • RETWEETS
    Jen_Up_withanewnamelllvvvzzzruffyoungallforandreacynthetismXoolunGoldenSpirals
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    A friend was constipated so I made him smoke a cigarette. He’s been shitting for the last 14 hours.

    • 38
    • FAVS
    curlymalloyAngelaEhhPeaceInTruth1jehujeniwithanewnameGowittymjkspeaksXoolun
    • 8
    • RETWEETS
    withanewnameXoolunGoldenSpiralsMahreekahem2the_geeJulesC70GanderGinCarolCarmine
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    *sprains ankle running from snake*

    Me: Just pretend we no longer have a garage.

    GF: What about the cars?

    Me: We’ll buy new ones.

    • 59
    • FAVS
    fgboofJen_Up_curlymalloyjack_nipplesssmilely_galTastyTuneTweetsmichaelm_ooreusedtobeJustJen
    • 14
    • RETWEETS
    Jen_Up_AngelaEhhBrewHimselfmjkspeaksXoolunPulse_NYCUp2LongSmooheed
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    I see your fanny pack and raise you cargo shorts…

    Dyke smack talk at Gay Pride.

    • 47
    • FAVS
    AngelaEhhPeaceInTruth1jehujenithegayfarmerguymjkspeaksDranoRaulXoolunPulse_NYC
    • 8
    • RETWEETS
    XoolunUp2LongEndocarditisguyJulesC70jeffswarensgay_geneCarolCarmineitsaRawDawg
@One_FineMess

@One_FineMess
Pro

I'm a chick that digs chicks. I love dudes. I just don't fuck them.