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  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    The oriental refrigerator repair man was not amused when I asked him if he’d accept my cat as payment

    I don’t think he’d do well on Twitter

    • 14
    • FAVS
    Ideal_VictoriasimonchollandElKnuckelhombreAndrew_CradicusedtobeJustJenJohnDuffy21TrueTorontoGirlTweenyx
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Apple made the iPhone 6 longer because the fucking charger cord is shorter than ever before.

    • 30
    • FAVS
    Ideal_VictoriaKizerBillhelmCarpentersCrackslyoung5Metal_MixtressTweets_GoneWildlafpghToy_A101
    • 9
    • RETWEETS
    Tweets_GoneWildKneesBeesepineappleiheartadamjestAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    You fuckers do know that pumpkins aren’t spicy, right.

    • 36
    • FAVS
    Ideal_VictoriaKizerBillhelmTweeterMediocreKimKardashsToeCarpentersCrackslyoung5Tweets_GoneWildlafpgh
    • 10
    • RETWEETS
    TweeterMediocreCarpentersCrackKaytlinBaileypineappleiheartAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    4yo carves pumpkin

    Puppy eats pumpkin

    I think this is how the Bloods and Crips got started

    • 16
    • FAVS
    CarpentersCrackTweets_GoneWildJandalizeBrokeNotBroken1Ideal_VictoriapineappleiheartThe_SculptressScoobdoobles
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    Ideal_Victoria
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    I’m sorry I hurt your feelings.

    Here’s a tampon to wipe your tears.

    • 30
    • FAVS
    CarpentersCrackMetal_MixtressTweets_GoneWildCrisisLinediandiochAngreaToy_A1011evilidiot
    • 10
    • RETWEETS
    Tweets_GoneWildToy_A101IamShooortiMayaK_Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Make sure you find a clever way to mention that it’s your birthday in one of your tweets since no one in RL gives a shit.

    • 35
    • FAVS
    KimKardashsToeCarpentersCrackmagiccpinkiepieTweets_GoneWildToy_A101Ideal_VictoriaBlack__Elvissimoncholland
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
    CarpentersCrackTweets_GoneWildHarryRamblepineappleiheartAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    I had so many skeletons in my closet they spilled into the hallway, so I just set my house on fire.

    • 19
    • FAVS
    Humor_FetishDiscourtHysteriaBarbieCarpentersCrackTweets_GoneWildnyx00Tbone7219Ideal_Victoria
    • 8
    • RETWEETS
    HysteriaBarbieCarpentersCrackTbone7219Ideal_VictoriaBeardedSteelAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    A co-worker got laid off and wrote a poem telling everyone goodbye.

    If only she’d put that much effort into work…

    • 23
    • FAVS
    CarpentersCrackTweets_GoneWildToy_A101jslumboTbone7219Ideal_VictoriaBlack__Elvispineappleiheart
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    Tweets_GoneWildTbone7219nowarranty
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Just paid for McDonalds with my credit card… classy.

    • 58
    • FAVS
    CarpentersCrackTweets_GoneWildToy_A101CletusHammerTbone7219ninjadinosaur1OutOnTheMoorsiGreenMonk
    • 20
    • RETWEETS
    CarpentersCrackTweets_GoneWildTbone7219OutOnTheMoorsThe_GetawayGirlCamel_CrushinIdeal_VictoriaAngelaEhh
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    The wonderful 4yo I’m always tweeting about. The one with two worthless drug addicted parents.

    She may finally become ours for good!

    • 45
    • FAVS
    CarpentersCrackToy_A101Tbone7219Ideal_VictoriaAngelaEhhTeejayRushgerryhallcomedysilent_musings
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
    TeejayRushWICKEDTRUTH01lovemydogduckAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Just rolled my eyes so hard I lost a contact in my brain.

    • 100
    • FAVS
    HysteriaBarbieCarpentersCrackToy_A101Carter_TCBonelongbenderElgatoEsmioGreenEyedLoonTbone7219
    • 38
    • RETWEETS
    CarpentersCrack3_liviSerialFuckupElgatoEsmioTbone7219iGreenMonkIdeal_VictoriaTeejayRush
    gerryhallcomedy
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    I haven’t felt suicidal in awhile.

    When does Adele come out with her next album?

    • 62
    • FAVS
    CarpentersCrackToy_A101Tbone7219DeepDarkFearBriarSlyMadnessAngelaEhhAvalonLeighRhinoUR
    • 28
    • RETWEETS
    CarpentersCrackBriarSlyMadness2thestreetzgerryhallcomedylovemydogduckheartlesslieRyansGoochCheetoe4
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Based on the amount of Gatorade the 16 drinks, it seems that sitting on the couch playing with your phone requires a shit ton of rehydration

    • 55
    • FAVS
    CarpentersCrackonelongbendermlccmTbone7219rmecheeyaAngelaEhhwoe_is_zoeheatlebjorn
    • 23
    • RETWEETS
    CarpentersCrackmlccmTbone7219AngelaEhhJasonBusheyTeejayRushTheAlexNevillovemydogduck
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Are we still doing Ebola tweets or have those died off…

    • 88
    • FAVS
    CarpentersCrackToy_A101Tbone72191evilidiotAngelaEhhAzahelZamoraDionneMcNuttTeejayRush
    • 41
    • RETWEETS
    CarpentersCrackDionneMcNuttTeejayRushlovemydogduckBitterBeyatchloribuckmajorSondraDeeMeWickedDarkEyes
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    I’ve recently decided that God only helps those that don’t deserve it, so I’ve decided to become an even bigger asshole.

    • 42
    • FAVS
    Toy_A101woe_is_zoeTeejayRushsilent_musingsTattooedMiseryninjamoose101TheAlexNevillovemydogduck
    • 13
    • RETWEETS
    woe_is_zoeTeejayRushTheAlexNevillovemydogduckCheetoe4BitterBeyatchOutOnTheMoorspineappleiheart
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    I switched cell phone providers today and I’ve ever felt more alive.

    • 32
    • FAVS
    CarpentersCrackTbone7219TeejayRushsilent_musingslovemydogduckCheetoe4beccafacexoiwearaonesie
    • 7
    • RETWEETS
    TeejayRushninjamoose101lovemydogduckBitterBeyatchjust1foolTerribleTracy2Avatar_unknown_48
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Apparently “narcissistic asshole” isn’t considered “constructive” feedback when doing peer evaluations at work.

    • 89
    • FAVS
    CarpentersCrackOtisPdQToy_A101Tbone7219AngelaEhhHenry_3ksilent_musingsTattooedMisery
    • 44
    • RETWEETS
    CarpentersCrackToy_A101Tbone7219woe_is_zoeTheAlexNevilninjamoose101lovemydogduckCheetoe4
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    Thank you @masteroffury for the ToTD pick. My Twitter motto in 140 characters or less. ;-)

    #FF @masteroffury

    • 1
    • FAV
    MasterOfFury
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    I had to go see a podiatrist today, so if you know of any good old folks homes in your area let me know.

    FML

    • 50
    • FAVS
    Tbone7219AngelaEhhsilent_musingsninjamoose101lovemydogduckCheetoe4iwearaonesieBitterBeyatch
    • 17
    • RETWEETS
    TeejayRushlovemydogduckCheetoe4iwearaonesieBitterBeyatchMaxine12333BruceForcejust1fool
  • One_FineMess
      Dakota @One_FineMess

    You try to bring back those fucking “spirit animal” tweets and I’ll shoot you, stuff you and hang you above my mantel.

    • 37
    • FAVS
    Toy_A101Tbone7219AngelaEhhsilent_musingsShutUpThatsWholovemydogduckewf70Cheetoe4
    • 8
    • RETWEETS
    lovemydogduckewf70Cheetoe4just1foolSassyTexasGalIdeal_VictoriapineappleiheartStryfe74
@One_FineMess

@One_FineMess
Pro

I'm a chick that digs chicks. I love dudes. I just don't fuck them.