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Did you fix the drywall?
Me: No. Why?
You have white dust all over your shirt.
*runs to bathroom and licks powdered donut dust off shirt*
My pup has now chewed up 4 welcome mats and I'm beginning to think she's more antisocial than I am.
When someone RTs your own tweet as a subtweet to you that was originally a subtweet to them, what the fuck do we call that?
I want to be the reason you check your phone in business meetings and blush.
No. I'm not being an asshole. I'm being me.
Now kindly fuck off.
You look like you'd use a donut as a cock ring, bro.
What's up with all these lesbians that use the first letter of their first name as their name?
The more I have her
The more I crave her
She's the most intoxicating addiction I've ever had
I'm almost certain I could cook an entire turkey in the microwave in less time than it takes to actually melt cheese.
Manager sent a "How Women Build Confidence & Courage In The Workplace" slide deck
*rolls eyes, does jackoff motion*
No. I'm not having a seizure. I'm just listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
You'd think these bitches planning a church bake sale at this McDonalds playhouse were planning a UN session.
If you have your kid on a leash, you may want to hold off on all that parenting advice you're giving.
I don't believe in leaving them wanting more.
I believe in leaving them perfectly sated.
You whine more than a child being told it's time to leave the pool.
Judging by the way my cigarette pack looks, I had one hell of a time last night.
I'm a chick that digs chicks. I love dudes. I just don't fuck them.
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