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The oriental refrigerator repair man was not amused when I asked him if he’d accept my cat as payment
I don’t think he’d do well on Twitter
Apple made the iPhone 6 longer because the fucking charger cord is shorter than ever before.
You fuckers do know that pumpkins aren’t spicy, right.
4yo carves pumpkin
Puppy eats pumpkin
I think this is how the Bloods and Crips got started
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings.
Here’s a tampon to wipe your tears.
Make sure you find a clever way to mention that it’s your birthday in one of your tweets since no one in RL gives a shit.
I had so many skeletons in my closet they spilled into the hallway, so I just set my house on fire.
A co-worker got laid off and wrote a poem telling everyone goodbye.
If only she’d put that much effort into work…
Just paid for McDonalds with my credit card… classy.
The wonderful 4yo I’m always tweeting about. The one with two worthless drug addicted parents.
She may finally become ours for good!
Just rolled my eyes so hard I lost a contact in my brain.
I haven’t felt suicidal in awhile.
When does Adele come out with her next album?
Based on the amount of Gatorade the 16 drinks, it seems that sitting on the couch playing with your phone requires a shit ton of rehydration
Are we still doing Ebola tweets or have those died off…
I’ve recently decided that God only helps those that don’t deserve it, so I’ve decided to become an even bigger asshole.
I switched cell phone providers today and I’ve ever felt more alive.
Apparently “narcissistic asshole” isn’t considered “constructive” feedback when doing peer evaluations at work.
I had to go see a podiatrist today, so if you know of any good old folks homes in your area let me know.
You try to bring back those fucking “spirit animal” tweets and I’ll shoot you, stuff you and hang you above my mantel.
I'm a chick that digs chicks. I love dudes. I just don't fuck them.