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“I’m sorry I was flirting with your husband. I thought he was a lesbian.”
Oddly, my truthfulness didn’t make the situation any less awkward
Just sitting on the toilet, eating a KitKat and tweeting.
My favorite part about exercising is how much I get to eat afterwards as my reward for being so disciplined.
Mon-Fri my insomnia keeps me up all night. On the flip side, my antisocial personality makes me too tired to go out out on the weekends.
Your 4yo isn’t “strong willed”.
She’s a fucking brat.
Just dropped an ash on my sweatpants and burned a hole in them if you’re looking for the true definition of classy.
I’m, see parents spank their kids in public and hear other parents say that’s going to be you if you don’t behave, years old.
Just spent 3 hours at the town Easter festival with no phone, no smokes, 2 4yos, 1 6mo and my GF.
*places mouth directly under jäger tap*
“Boys will be boys”
Is apparently how this lady justifies raising two pricks.
An infants entertainment…
*try’s to shove fist in mouth*
Sounds like me drunk on a Saturday night.
Marriage may cause…
Nausea, anxiety, insomnia, sexual dysfunction and severe mood swings.
I’ll stick with my alcohol and xanax.
F: Why aren’t you on FB?
I don’t like people
F: But you’re on Twitter.
I pretend they’re all bots
I pretend you’re the bionic man
Let me feed the baby real quick, has got to be the biggest fucking oxymoron in history.
What the fuck people…
That tweet popped in my head at 2am and my OCD insisted I write it down so I wouldn’t forget and it gets no love.
I’ve decided the next Mormon reality show should use the Lay’s “betcha can’t eat just one” slogan as its title.
A friend was constipated so I made him smoke a cigarette. He’s been shitting for the last 14 hours.
*sprains ankle running from snake*
Me: Just pretend we no longer have a garage.
GF: What about the cars?
Me: We’ll buy new ones.
I see your fanny pack and raise you cargo shorts…
Dyke smack talk at Gay Pride.
I'm a chick that digs chicks. I love dudes. I just don't fuck them.