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Damn girl, you’ve been rolling your eyes at me all day.
Should I take you to bed?
(flirting is hard)
I might let that bother me if I didn’t know you were full of shit.
Just tried to limbo under a subtweet, but ended up throwing out my back so I’ll be hanging out here on the living room floor if you need me.
An excited 4yo
What could possible go wrong?
On Twitter we are prone to exaggeration, but I swear, if the 4 calls my name one more time today my head will actually explode.
Water into wine… not bad.
Now sit back and watch me turn this jäger into a misdemeanor.
No one gives a fuck about your cat.
Not even other cat people give a fuck about your cat.
Hell, cats even hate other cats.
I sure hope Instagram is prepared for Thanksgiving.
It would be a shame for the servers to crash and us miss out on all the food pics.
Good things always seem to happen to shitty people and it’s really starting to piss me the fuck off.
If you feel the need to constantly tell people how great you are in bed…
If you were, your lovers would be the ones talking.
The original screen shot.
Anyone know of a class I can take that will teach my how to vacuum my closet without getting shoestrings stuck in the rollers?
My BFF* is getting married on 12-13-14 and thinks that’s really cute.
I'm a chick that digs chicks. I love dudes. I just don't fuck them.