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Sometimes you have to watch a loved one make a decision you know they will always regret.
Those times suck.
"No. They're not friendly".
I've found that to be a pretty effective way to avoid conversations while walking the dogs.
In the past several weeks my life's soundtrack has changed dramatically.
But that's cool.
I can learn to dance to a new groove.
I didn't have time for my coffee this morning and I think this is what premeditated murder feels like.
Still can't figure out why I have the Uber app on my phone since I never leave the house.
Adults that smack gum...
Where the fuck were your parents when you were learning gum?
Nah. It's cool. I don't need an explanation.
*sits in comfy chair
*takes shot of tequila
*inserts fist pin into voodoo doll
Just made my bitmoji...
No wonder I get called sir all the time.
Just watched a pup try to eat another pups poop...
While it was still coming out of her ass.
Your Saturday night?
F: Aren't you cold?
M: When the cold overtakes the lazy I'll go to the car and get my jacket.
Johnny Depp staring in a role where he applies an excessive amount of makeup and plays a freak.
No officer. I'm not drinking & driving.
My shoes suddenly & without prior warning became too tight, so I had to retie them while driving.
I love it when I subtweet myself.
Just spent $21 at Taco Bell in case you were wondering how the diet is going.
Beyoncé... Please stop talking about being a strong, independent woman that takes no shit.
Your man cheated, yet you're still in his bed.
I love my pups, but I do miss sleeping in a non-bendy straw position. I can't even find my left foot.
I'm a chick that digs chicks. I love dudes. I just don't fuck them.
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