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Oh yes, I totally try to eat healthy.
*shoves entire package of Scooby Doo FRUIT snacks in my mouth*
A Tinder meet up is like a job interview for sex.
Did I type that out loud.
These Pokemon tweets have got to Go!
See what I did there?
18: Will you do me a favor?
Me: Does it require I leave the house?
18: Never mind.
Not to brag or anything, but not a night goes by without a wet spot in my bed.
Menopause is great!
I hate that she can make me laugh when I'm angry.
I'll take the blame even though we both played major roles in our story going to shit.
But if it helps you sleep at night...
Well... On a positive note.
Ha! Just kidding.
I can't find the right words to scream so I'll simply scream in deafening silence.
Two people I know and love got fired today. Impacting 1 wife, 1 husband and 6 kids.
Fuck you corporate America.
I guess that's something some people would be proud of.
*finds a new way to fuck you over*
See. This is much better.
I find it ironic that the values that make me successful both personally and professionally are the same ones that contribute to my misery.
6: I want to swim with sharks
6: But be in a cage so I'm safe
6: Let's just buy some plastic sharks for the bathtub
I think I just used the wrong toothbrush so I'll be here swallowing bleach if you need me.
Americas Got Talent just made me cry. I hate myself right now.
I'm a chick that digs chicks. I love dudes. I just don't fuck them.
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