If you dont like someone on twitter, dont follow them. Bitching about their personal form of expression only makes YOU look like an asshole.

Every time I see an asian eating with a fork, I snicker at them and tell them they're holding it wrong.

I wish your vagina had a "clear history" button.

If you don't have anything nice to say, join twitter.

We love that shit.

I never judge people by the color of their skin. That's fucking stupid.

I judge them by their cell phones.

You know who has the smallest penises in the world?

Ex-boyfriends.

Apparently.

Don't you hate it when you get off work, get in your car, leave & THEN remember you forgot to burn the fucking building to the ground? I do.

True love means never having to explain your twitter.

Facebook: Look at me, I'm baking a cake!

Tumblr: Look at me, I'm so drunk!

Twitter: Look at me, I'm so drunk I'm fucking a cake!

This weed I'm smoking tastes exactly like I forgot what I was going to say.

My 4 year old daughter just told me "happy retard day" and handed me a dollar.

My parenting skills are unmatched.

I would masturbate more in the shower if my computer was waterproof.

I'm downloading an update for my penis. Or uploading my penis? Whatever. What I'm trying to say is- HELP MY PENIS IS STUCK IN MY DISC DRIVE.

Whenever I see someone I don't know crying, I always assume they're crying because I'm not their friend.

If I was CEO of a major corporation I would start every meeting with "I'm CEO. Suck my dick bitches!" Then I would moonwalk to my chair.

I'm gonna butt fuck your face. #ConfusingThreats

The worst kind of dry wall is vaginal.

Every time someone uses an iphone in an ihop, Steve Jobs masturbates with a pancake.

I always feel naked without my phone. Which is crazy because when I'm naked, I always feel my balls.

This incredibly hot girl just walked by and sneezed all over me. I'm counting that as oral sex.