Lost a follower after I used the "F" word. I promise to never do it again. Unless I drop something heavy on my foot or fucking feel like it.

When I see someone with a twitter bio that says "Writer", I assume it's code for unemployed.

If a man posts on his wife's Facebook wall "I love you, you're the best", I assume he's just finished having sex with his secretary.

I shouldn't be allowed to DM. I look like a stalker. Not that I am one. I mean, everyone has a drawer full of restraining orders, right?

My 12 yr old has advised me that I make too many tweets about Nazis and I should stop. Who the hell does he think he is, Hitler? #dictator

I've just read an instruction manual. This is primarily due to the fact that I don't have a penis.

I don't flirt on Twitter or have a Twitter crush. Because I know, behind every hidden face and cartoon avi lies one of my ex boyfriends.

Is it really stalking? I just want to get a coffee, chat, laugh, a lock of hair, a urine sample, boil their rabbit, live in their attic...

Twitter cliques. How does that happen? What the hell is this, high school?

The boogeyman is real for adults too, we just call it "lonely" instead.

My son answers every request I make with "Well, that's unfortunate because..." You know what's unfortunate kid, that I taught you to speak!

Judas Priest splitting up. This is news to me for 2 reasons; I didn't know they were still together & I didn't know they were still alive.

There is no greater feeling of isolation and desolation than when you need a hug, but have no one around to hug you.

I'm going to change my avi to some hot-blonde-half-naked woman. That way when I make a typo/grammatical error it will be instantly forgiven.

The difference between Facebook and Twitter: Facebook, someone's baking bread.Twitter, someone is having sex with a loaf of bread. #simple

I'm followed by 140 people. I follow 181 people. This makes me either very interested in others, or downright pathetic.

My son (12) can be cold, heartless, absentminded, lazy, oblivious, & self-centered. So, he's pretty much primed to be a regular husband.

Wow, I must be in a bad mood, I wrote a negative comment on my Facebook status update. *gasp in horror*

Listening to ex-husbands first ex-wife talk is like listening to nails on a chalk board, if the nails were Freddy Kruegers, amplified.

I'm not afraid of growing old. I will do so gracefully- embracing my age as a mark of wisdom - all whilst donning the attire of a 25 yr old.