Its not that I hate everyone, its just that everyone is stupid and I hate stupid people

Whenever I am extremely bored with life I post a political status on facebook and watch my friends battle each other like its crips v bloods

So wait, America is ok with a contest celebrating a man shoving meat down his throat & yet Gay Marriage still isn't legal in all 50 states?

I won't be making any Tsunami jokes. I do however wish the Tsunami would have wiped out the Westboro Baptists instead

I hope that Westboro Baptist CUNT Margie J. Phelps and her entire family & cult cunt followers dies in a fucking fire of AIDS

I love how Twitter offers a verified option for people that are Famous. They should offer me a verified account by verifying i'm a cunt

Hey, Michelle Duggar - ITS A VAGINA! Not a god damn clown car!

I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy asking him to last longer than 30 seconds...

Just got asked by a friend what I thought my wedding song would be. I replied "Smack my Bitch Up" and they hung up on me.

If I follow you, and you live tweet the #VMA's I won't just block & report you for spam, I will find you from your location map & murder you

Jose Baez sounds like he's reading a Seinfeld script "George is worried about George. George is taking care of George" #ClosingArguments

By the way I want to congratulate Amy Winehouse on 3 weeks of sobriety. Keep up the great work!!

I'll never commit twittercide but I'm down to commit a few twurders!

After being subjected to 3 Rihanna songs in a row, I'm not saying I condone it but I can understand why Chris Brown punched her

Twitter: Where everyone who doesn't have the balls to be an actual comic can be one from the privacy of their mom's basement

By the way, its been awhile since I've done Anal but I'm assuming paying $45 to park a car for a concert is what it feels like

If the show "Dirty Jobs" with Mike Rowe ever ends, I think the finale should be cleaning the cast of the Jersey Shore

JFK should've said "Ask not what your Country can do for you, because if its not painfully obvious by now; its nothing"

Dear America; Can we all agree that we boycott whatever media outlet pays Casey Anthony for an interview?

Mark Sanchez is Spanish for "Epic Fail"