If The Heat come back in this game there's gonna be so much blow done in Miami tonight. Also if they don't.

*sees pretty girl crying*
*backs away slowly before friendzone notices*
*steps on peanut shell; friendzone hears & comes in for a hug*

if u ask beyomce if she is a destinys child, she legaly has to say my name say my name when no one is aroumd u say baby i lov

I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)

Does it smell like dubstep dog in here?
What's dubstep dog?
*dog just drops the bass so hard*

HAVE A GOOD NIGHT TONIGHT!!!! here is a fr*cken cute baby fox!!!! pic.twitter.com/rlXOxNITlq

"sir, can i ask why you're smoking TWO huge blunts?"
"officer, I'm..."
*turns to camera*
"double jointed"
*cop starts breakdancing*

I like my girls like I like my coffee
*mom comes in*
I brought you some hot cocoa honey!
Momm, I said I was gonna start drinking coffee now

is it still okay for me to listen to the black metal man who ate the other guy or whatver doesnt count imho

"You had me at 'alien overlord named Xenu'" #wrongfilmquotes

im sory miss Jackson oOoOo , monsters are real , never meant to make your daughter cry , look here comes one now with several eyes

#wrongfilmquotes "Can I watch you and your girlfriend?" -- Mr. Miyagi, Karate Kid

#wrongfilmquotes "May the Force be with you." -- Star Wars

I bet at one point Kanye suggested a name that didn't start with a K and then they just laughed and laughed and laughed.

Damn girl, are you..
*looks at watch*
Cause I...
*runs away*

“I love you”
“K"
“NEVERMIND I HOPE YOU DIE IN THAT CARBONITE”

Excellent response to arch-antivaxxer arsehole Rob Schneider pic.twitter.com/lke51SJZoS

If it wasn't for Hitler, I bet atleast one member of Mumford and Sons would have a little mustache like that.

“It’s-a me, Mari....” *gunshots* A groggy Luigi flips on the hallway light & drops the pistol in shock

"Hey guys I'm logging off!"
*doesn't log off*
*secretly scrolls through twitter*