Whoever invented being awake in the morning was an asshole.

If I'm ever in a Christian rock band & we aren't called Nuns 'n' Moses, I'll renounce music forever.

I'd give anything to know how it feels to be in love... Oh, shit!!! This is Twitter!? What did I just post on Facebook!?

Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I'm self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.

Native American strippers have an unfair advantage. They can make it rain every time they dance.

If you follow me, I might follow back. But if you hump me, I always humpback. - If whales could Tweet

If I was a French pornstar, I'd be "Enormes Oui Oui."

Oh, snap! - Me, playing with Legos

I wish that every time someone stars my tweets, I'd get a dollar. Then I'd have $11...

Ever notice that McDonalds' Grimace looks like a butt plug, & his name is Grimace? Coincidence? I think not.

I bet epileptics hate the phrase "seize the day."

I almost got robbed this morning! But then I decided not to go to church.

Thump, thump, thump, thump... - my neighbor's stereo for the past 24 hours. Also, the sound I hear before I begin a murder spree.

Just burnt my tongue on hot coffee. (Are we still blaming global warming for everything?)

10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven't gotten laid since. Well played, God.

Hey cops! Using unmarked cars to catch speeders is bullshit. U wouldn't like it if I drove around in a truck w/ a giant donut on top.

Is it Halloween? I ran over a ghost while driving home & instead of disappearing, it left a huge dent in my hood…

Yes, I delete my @'s. It's not that I don't cherish the witty banter. I just like to keep my TL clean from STDs: Stupid Timeline Dialogue.

This might be the last Valentine's Day ever-- Will you be Mayan?

I don't normally pay any attention, but it's so cool that my town made all the traffic lights red & green this Christmas! So pretty!