I'm a feminist so if you want a blow job you'll have to stand on a chair. I'm not kneeling down.

Hey, guys. If it's not too much to ask, we would really like to walk down dark alleys in peace.

I'm confused about my sexuality. Mostly about why I can't get any.

Thank you all for such a warm welcome back. It's a little bit embarrassing coming back but I actually missed you freaks. Weird, I know.

Life would be so much easier with a penis. At least I'd have an excuse for not getting laid.

I just opened a new jar of olives with just my hands. I'm officially a lesbian.

I should be a lot fitter from my 15 trips to the fridge each night.

Favstar won't transfer the remaining 3 months of my Bonus Features to my new account. This is how riots start.

If you put a * in your f*ck that's probably the only star you're getting.

The best thing about coming back to Twitter after twitterciding is the incredible boost to ones self-esteem.

Eating a muffin so my chubby sister feels more comfortable eating hers. I'm a nice person.

My sister got her belly button pierced yesterday. I'd have taken pole dancing lessons first to make sure it was the right career choice.

Just got given an ecstasy pill and threw it away. I don't need pills to be happy, I can fake it.

Hey, people with 10,000 or more followers. I'm sorry, but my jealousy won't let me star you.

Can't wait for my boobs to start growing so I can check for lumps.

Mechanics must really love VW Golfs. Four rushed over to look at mine when I took it in for a service today.

I'd like men a lot more if they were a lot more like women.

I've given up sexting with guys. They're all hopelessly trapped in a tacky B grade porno script.

I like my tweets about coffee like I like my coffee. I don't like coffee.

We just had kangaroo for dinner. Don't get all self-righteous, America and England. We know you both love fried bald eagle and roast lion.