Behind every successful tweeter there's a neglected girlfriend planning a break up conversation.

Online porn gives me pop ups.

Hey KFC, I only want the battered skin and gravy. You can keep the chicken.

Mirror mirror on the wall. Fuck you.

Folding fitted sheets is easy. You take both ends; meet them in the middle; then crunch it all up into a ball.

Sometimes I'm not starring tweets and that makes me sad.

You're all pretty awesome, but not with just some awe, but full of awe, which is awefull, which isn't awful. Stop me anytime.

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery but if you keep it up, I'll flatten you.

Problem, we have a Houston.

Just once I want to see the Hulk get an erection.

I lost my wallet while looking for my keys, then lost them while searching for my phone as I was trying to locate my sunglasses.

Threesome, foursomes... what the official amount for an orgy? Five?

I'm as fine as candy except when it's sandy.

Spongebob is a very self absorbed character.

We buy board games to waste space in the cupboard while we play them on our iPads.

I woke up this morning and said, fuck you sleep. I ain't got time for that bullshit.

Fat people make good roll models.

Facebook is for losers who don't know where the address for Twitter or PlentyofFish is.

I do my best 'shocked and appalled' acting job when my girlfriend asks me when I last masturbated.

Lust is a gust of love.