Inspirational tweet: Breathe in.
Expirational tweet: Breathe out.

You autocomplete me.

The heart really is amazing muscle when you think about it. Wait, I forgot this is twitter... So is the snatch.

I'm like a kid in a candy shop. Not allowed to touch anything.

When do I get to the end of twitter?

If there's ever a zombie invasion, I hope it's soundtracked by that Cranberries song.

You've never seen a cat or a dog smile? Have you ever considered maybe animals hate you?

On twitter there's fsvstar & klout. Why isn't there anything on #facebook to measure how much you suck?

Geez, some girls are all "Wham bam bam wham wham bam bammity wham whamski bam-o-mite whamalamadingdong wham bam bam wham BAM thank you man."

#Etiquette question: Do I raise my pinky if its a really classy lady I'm eating out?

I hear the secrets that you keep, when you're tweeting in your sleep.

Now is the winter of our disco tent.

One year after oil is completely depleted, we'll discover it cures cancer.

If you're on the leaderboard already, you obviously don't need my stars.

I think I'm in denial about being in denial.

Attention people who like to delete your @ replies: I'm going to start starring the hell out of them. Just to give you a complex.

"I'd rather be tweeting" -- says the bumper sticker on my car. "This is a bumper sticker" says my tweet.

The orientation sensor on my phone just told me I was was gay.

There's tv shows called "Man vs Wild" and "Man vs Food." What about "Man vs Diabetes" or "Man vs Existentialism"? #TVPitch

I just stared at a moving avi for 10 minutes. Then I realized it wasn't actually a moving avi at all. #damnyoutwitter