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Inspirational tweet: Breathe in.
Expirational tweet: Breathe out.
You autocomplete me.
The heart really is amazing muscle when you think about it. Wait, I forgot this is twitter... So is the snatch.
When do I get to the end of twitter?
I'm like a kid in a candy shop. Not allowed to touch anything.
If there's ever a zombie invasion, I hope it's soundtracked by that Cranberries song.
You've never seen a cat or a dog smile? Have you ever considered maybe animals hate you?
Now is the winter of our disco tent.
On twitter there's fsvstar & klout. Why isn't there anything on #facebook to measure how much you suck?
#Etiquette question: Do I raise my pinky if its a really classy lady I'm eating out?
I hear the secrets that you keep, when you're tweeting in your sleep.
Geez, some girls are all "Wham bam bam wham wham bam bammity wham whamski bam-o-mite whamalamadingdong wham bam bam wham BAM thank you man."
One year after oil is completely depleted, we'll discover it cures cancer.
I just played chicken with a chicken. I really thought he'd be better at it.
If you're on the leaderboard already, you obviously don't need my stars.
The orientation sensor on my phone just told me I was was gay.
I think I'm in denial about being in denial.
"I'd rather be tweeting" -- says the bumper sticker on my car. "This is a bumper sticker" says my tweet.
Attention people who like to delete your @ replies: I'm going to start starring the hell out of them. Just to give you a complex.
There's tv shows called "Man vs Wild" and "Man vs Food." What about "Man vs Diabetes" or "Man vs Existentialism"? #TVPitch
Back in my day, people used to read bios. And write them. Without quietly sobbing into their martinis.