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You know that beer holder on the wall in the shower? My wife calls it a soap dish. You learn somethin new everyday
Im out the front of the pub havin a cigarette, a guy in a wheelchair just asked me "why do you smoke?"
I asked him "why do you wear shoes?"
KFC drive thru - Can I take your order?
Me - I need 10 of your lemon scented jerk off wipes quickly
Drive thru - I'm sorry?
Me - Me too..
I just tripped on my cape and broke my Batman walkie-talkie... FUCK!
turning the music volume down in the car when you're looking for a house number doesnt make finding it any easier. Yeah you do it too
Ladies, if I compliment you on your shoes, I'm staring at your cleavage while you look down at your shoes.
My ex didn't see the funny side of me swapping her tampons with party poppers
Fuck swimming with sharks. I act like a bitch when seaweed brushes up against my legs at the beach
If by getting girls wet you mean spilling beer on them. Then yeah, I get a lot of girls wet.
Twitter is something to do, not something to worry about.
I would go out a lot more if Bar's had iPhone chargers at tables situated well away from people
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I shit in your pool
I've already called a taxi
Someone has left a perfectly good piece of chewing gum in the bottom of this urinal. Finders keepers
It would make a lot more sense if Mike Tyson was holding a puppet when he spoke.
Since I saw a pic of Serena Williams in a bikini, I sleep with the light on.
Watching two hippo's lazing around in a swamp on discovery channel. which has got me thinkin, wonder how my ex and her mother are doin..
I've had an unlit cigarette in my mouth for about an hour now. All I need now is a T-Birds leather jacket and I'm off to Rydell High.
Hey Snoop, when 6 generations of my family have seen you perform Live, it's time to hang up the cornrows
All these unfollows, get over yourselves. If I don't follow you it's because you aren't funny or I haven't looked you up yet or your a cunt
I do love you guys but seriously, bacon tweets aren't funny... They never were, now shut the fuck up
Just an average Aussie taking life one court appearance at a time.