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Probably our scariest president was that pyramid with the big eye on top.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
I just saw a Mexican Ghostbuster chasing a ghost who looked EXACTLY like a pile of leaves!
I'd say the best part of being ugly is never going into slow motion when I emerge from a swimming pool.
Bored? 1) Write "tree blood" on 5,000 ping pong balls 2) Dump them in a hollow tree 3) Wait for a lumberjack
"OH NO PYTHON whew just my nose. OH NO COBRA nope still my nose. OH NO RATTLESNAKE shit, nose. God I can't live like this." -Elephant
What if birds are just out of control napkins.
I hate it when I'm digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
It's cool to visit Mount Rushmore and remember the good old days, when a four-headed rock monster was President.
Keep talkin' shit, kangaroos. At least I'm not cargo pants with a face.
On dates I like to "accidentally" spill a briefcase filled with 25 of the rarest Beanie Babies™ you can possibly imagine.
I bet a turtle's last thought before getting run over is always, "I got this."
Sometimes when a girl tells me I'm "bad boy sexy" I'm so startled I spill my basket of fresh blueberries.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Here's me visiting my girlfriend in jail, as seen from above: %
We actually have no idea how many clouds are really poodles who got addicted to helium.
I hate when I'm drowning and a fish whispers, "I'm going to live inside your butt."
Nobody hates airport security more than ol' Bombface McSwordfingers.
Give a fish a man and you'll be arrested for murder. Teach a fish to man and you'll need a tiny suit and briefcase.
from the outermost reaches of the cosmos! and now on http://witstream.com!