Probably our scariest president was that pyramid with the big eye on top.

1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater

I just saw a Mexican Ghostbuster chasing a ghost who looked EXACTLY like a pile of leaves!

I'd say the best part of being ugly is never going into slow motion when I emerge from a swimming pool.

Bored? 1) Write "tree blood" on 5,000 ping pong balls 2) Dump them in a hollow tree 3) Wait for a lumberjack

"OH NO PYTHON whew just my nose. OH NO COBRA nope still my nose. OH NO RATTLESNAKE shit, nose. God I can't live like this." -Elephant

What if birds are just out of control napkins.

I hate it when I'm digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.

..C.r.a..p.!..A.n.t.s...a.r.e. .c.a.r.r..y..i..n.g...m.y..t.w..e.e..t...a.w..a.y..!..

It's cool to visit Mount Rushmore and remember the good old days, when a four-headed rock monster was President.

Keep talkin' shit, kangaroos. At least I'm not cargo pants with a face.

On dates I like to "accidentally" spill a briefcase filled with 25 of the rarest Beanie Babies™ you can possibly imagine.

I bet a turtle's last thought before getting run over is always, "I got this."

Sometimes when a girl tells me I'm "bad boy sexy" I'm so startled I spill my basket of fresh blueberries.

When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.

Here's me visiting my girlfriend in jail, as seen from above: %

We actually have no idea how many clouds are really poodles who got addicted to helium.

I hate when I'm drowning and a fish whispers, "I'm going to live inside your butt."

Nobody hates airport security more than ol' Bombface McSwordfingers.

Give a fish a man and you'll be arrested for murder. Teach a fish to man and you'll need a tiny suit and briefcase.