The best place to hide a body is on page 2 of google's search results.

"What's a good gift for someone who has everything?"

Meth. Next year they'll have nothing it'll be easier.

Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the main reason I have trust issues.

I like playing with my dog when I'm high. Because I don't have one when I'm sober.

Let's be against gays, premarital sex, masturbation, abortion, alcohol, drugs and porn, and then let's give everybody guns.

- America

Somewhere in a parallel universe a small toe is beating the shit out of a coffee table.

I still think it's hilarious that a man will cum in your mouth and let you go make him a sandwich in the kitchen, unsupervised.

"Use the forceps, Luke!"

- Obi.G.Y.N. Kenobi

It's not your birthday, America, it's the anniversary of your divorce. Get your shit together.

Great job keeping shit out of my eye, eyelash that's currently in my eye.

It's a clitoris not a web page. Stop scrolling.

"Bite size" is for people who pronounce vase "vahz" and blog about their gluten-free diet. The rest of us stare at the empty box in shame.

The awkward moment we find out Lester is Elmo's last name and it all makes sense.

Toddlers are evil. It's like they don't know you can stop feeding them and they'll die.

My coworker fainted. Even her body wants her to shut the fuck up already.

Doctor says I'm an alcoholic with social anxiety. Looking forward to meeting a sex addicted sociopath and naming our kid Twitter.

Kept hearing about Waffle House so I went to one while in FL. The closest thing we have here in Canada is Gonorrhea.

I wish I took anything as seriously as old people take paying with change.

If you're not a good father your daughter will spend a lifetime trying to suck your approval out of strangers' cocks.

Voicemails should be named urmomcalled's