I preemptively scream before I open the shower curtain to get the upper hand.

Which is worse-seeing my pubes or the bumpy rash from trying to remove said pubes? See you at the pool.

The maid at the hotel asked me if I was having intestinal problems. No, I admitted, my toilet always looks like that.

Sometimes I wish I had a friend so I wouldn't always have to have my arm in the pictures I take.

When I see #FF for people who already have 2,000 followers but only follow 29 I can't help but think maybe they don't need me.

What is new about Twitter? I want to be mad too.

I hate people who save seats.

I'm proud to say I own nothing from the Pottery Barn and I'm drunk right now.

My superpower is to pretend I'm not jealous and then go all psycho on you when you least expect it.

I think we're getting serious. He asked me to be his designated driver. I got to drink diet coke and watch him play darts with some chick.

My family won't invite me to thanksgiving but they do set a plate of leftovers by the front door so no need to feel sorry for me.

Gonna see if the can add a wax during my colonoscopy.

I wear a red hoody and ride my bike with a wrapped teddy bear in my basket so people will think I am Eliot from ET. No one ever does.

Foreplay for me usually consists of guy pointing out my stretch marks and uneven breasts.

Okay hippies. Pick TWO out of three smells at any one time. Body odor, patchouli and cigarettes. Two no more than two!

She got mad when I said to her baby: Who's the pretty girl & then pointed to myself I'm the pretty girl. But c'mon she didn't even have hair

I've gotten a bloody nose twice this week. So relieved my nose isn't pregnant.

I never close the door to the stall in a public bathroom to save people from having to look under the door.

Next time I do the old "pull my finger" trick I need to make sure I'm standing on tile in case I push too hard.

Do you ever get sad when you find out I retweeted you because I only have 300 followers?