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My asshole is about to release the kraken
When people ask me how old I am I usually go with:
Old enough to penetrate your daughter
Here's an anti bully campaign: teach your kid not to be a peice of shit
Kristie Alley jokes are like beating a dead Sarah Jessica Parker
I get so proud when I hear my girl friend say big words like "da-da"
You get it, do you fucking get it. I was making a pedophile joke.
Why would you want a sandwich after sex when you can have seconds
I prefer doing water aerobics with old people just so I can get away with shitting in the pool
I think I got whatever magic johnson has, but it is killing me
From what I gather on twitter, I'm looking forward to becoming a terrible parent
Looking for a chick to break my nose with their tail bone..... for details DM me
Lindsay Lohan is just Charlie Sheen with a vagina
You guys should be jealous of all the sex I'm not having
Hot girls still look ugly throwing up
I bet serial killers have amazing sex, even in prison
The closer I get to work, the angrier I get
Pretty sure white wine is racist. Just how I like it
Girls that show too much gums when they take pictures freak me the fuck out
If you haven't throw up on yourself, and punched the ground and pissed yourself......
You haven't seen me drunk
Drinking pineapple juice, because I'm a generous lover.
Nothing's sexier then a chick showing off her stretch marked tramp stamp
160 characters? How am I suppose to deal with that