My asshole is about to release the kraken

When people ask me how old I am I usually go with:


Old enough to penetrate your daughter

Here's an anti bully campaign: teach your kid not to be a peice of shit

Kristie Alley jokes are like beating a dead Sarah Jessica Parker

I get so proud when I hear my girl friend say big words like "da-da"


You get it, do you fucking get it. I was making a pedophile joke.

Why would you want a sandwich after sex when you can have seconds

I prefer doing water aerobics with old people just so I can get away with shitting in the pool

I think I got whatever magic johnson has, but it is killing me

From what I gather on twitter, I'm looking forward to becoming a terrible parent

Looking for a chick to break my nose with their tail bone..... for details DM me

Lindsay Lohan is just Charlie Sheen with a vagina

You guys should be jealous of all the sex I'm not having

Hot girls still look ugly throwing up

I bet serial killers have amazing sex, even in prison

The closer I get to work, the angrier I get

Pretty sure white wine is racist. Just how I like it

Girls that show too much gums when they take pictures freak me the fuck out

If you haven't throw up on yourself, and punched the ground and pissed yourself......




You haven't seen me drunk

Drinking pineapple juice, because I'm a generous lover.

Nothing's sexier then a chick showing off her stretch marked tramp stamp