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My GF's father got mad at me, for writing my name in piss on the side of his house. I said "what about ur daughter.. It was her handwriting"
Can you put a Gay Guy in a straight jacket? And if so, will it work?
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
"Obestiality" --What its called, when hot skinny girls.. fuck-fat ugly guys
Went Whale watching in the mirror today.
I've seen homeless guys who keep their boxes in better shape than some girls keep theirs.
Helped a homeless guy move today... I picked up his vomit and threw it across the street.
Just saw Stevie Wonder shopping for blinds.. but i don't think he noticed me, or the blinds or the fact that he was at McDonald's. i'm high!
Joined Match.com... And all I got was a lit cigarette
"Food Stamp" --A Tattoo that a Fat Ghetto Girl has on her lowerback.
"CockBlocker" --A fat guys stomach
If I've learned anything from twitter.. Its that I'm not as funny as I thought I was.
Someone just DM'd me asking "HOW MANY RETWEETS ARE YOU GONNA DO".. As many as I like! And If you don't like.. then unfollow and block me!
Is it bad if your girl knows the size of your friends dicks from smallest to biggest?!
Eli Manning looks like he suffers from Fourth Down Syndrome.
Only 144,000 jehovah witnesses are getting into heaven... So if you do the math.. that will be the largest game of musical chairs EVER!
"You know Jesus Loves you, right?" --The last thing my Priest said to me, before he tried to get me to suck his dick.
I fucked the shit out of Jenny Craig in the parking lot at Weight Watchers. Then I made her buy me MacDonald's and watch me eat it!
Always respect yourselfies.
Fat,bald and I have a small dick. Emmy winning comedy writer @caspermartinez still lets me write with him.I RT A LOT which makes me one of twitters most hated!