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My girlfriend just told me that I'm hung like a Japanese porn star.
I talk with my hands so much, that people always ask me if I'm "Italian" or if I was "Switched at Birth".
The most well behaved kids.. are the one's that go missing.
We were so poor growing up, my mother would pray that me or my brother would turn gay, Just so she could have something to put in the closet
Relationship Status: Can't wait till next Saturday.. SyFy's "Big Ass Spider" premieres!
On black twitter, I just received 5 Don DeMarco's and 3 bang bangs. So yeah, it was a great tweet.
I'm the 5th Jonas brother, the fat one they were too embarrassed to tell you about.
Sorry to the 17 year old girl James Franco hit on, he tried picking me up first.. but I was too heavy.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That's impossible.
Me: I've never walked a day in my life.
Had a great time at Ray Rice' wedding Friday. Instead of throwing rice, we threw punches.. at his wife.
"I put the "ouch" in couch". --Me every time I sit on a couch.
Fat,bald and I have a small dick. Emmy winning comedy writer @caspermartinez still lets me write with him.I RT A LOT which makes me one of twitters most hated!