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I drunk dialed my mother once. I asked her if she calls daddy, "Daddy" when he's tapping that ass.
Adele and I are like sisters, we share each other's clothes.. Just in case you were wondering how fat I am.
I'm not gay.. but I did learn how to suck dick at a Holiday Inn.
BREAKING NEWS: "If Vladimir Putin doesn't pull out now, there's gonna be a lot of pregnant Ukrainians" --Sara Palin
I have exactly $11.36 in change saved up in my vacuum.
R.I.P to the Filipino kid who made Manu Ginobili's sneakers.
Fat,bald and I have a small dick. Emmy winning comedy writer @caspermartinez still lets me write with him.I RT A LOT which makes me one of twitters most hated!