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Dr: Have you been to West Africa in the past 21 days?
Me: I bought some bootleg DVDs and I did get cutoff by a cab, does that count?
Maybe I'm paranoid but whenever I'm done shopping at Target, I feel like there's a bull's-eye on my bag.
The number one cause of accidental deaths among interpreters for the deaf.. Is drive-by shootings.
My girlfriend is so stupid, she tried to pay for a sandwich at Subway with a MetroCard.
For Halloween I wanted to go as a plain clothes cop.. but I couldn't find a backwards hat that fits.
"Congratulations to the San Francisco Giants on winning the world series.. only 24 more to go" --Yankee fans
Fat, bald and I have a small dick. Emmy winning comedy writer @caspermartinez still lets me write with him. I RT A LOT! http://t.co/pXORQzpr8O