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Gf: WTF are you doing?!
Me: [in a lot of pain] the banana challenge!
Gf: Then why is the banana in your ass?!
Me: I... was hungry?
Subway says, "we no longer have a relationship with Jared Fogle". Is it because he was cheating on you with someone much younger?
Golden State players thank God for winning the NBA title. Steve Kerr thanks Mark Jackson.
Could FIFA please turn off the field mics in the Women's World Cup. I feel like I'm being yelled at by my ex-girlfriend and her mother.
So fucking what if Drake Bell is Transphobic! Those were 4 of the worst movies I've ever seen. Fuck the Autobots and Decepticons.
BREAKING NEWS: Jessica Lange changes name to Caitlyn Jenner.
The Texas Rangers would've scored more goals than the New York Rangers.
*cries all throughout Dolphin Tale
*goes to the ocean to swim with the Dolphins
*gets raped by Dolphins
*goes home watches Dolphin tale 2
Another Bruce Jenner interview. When he was a man, couldn't get him to say a word. Now that she's a woman, can't get her to STFU!
BREAKING NEWS: Chris Paul changes nickname from CP3 To CPR.
If you look in the mirror and yell choke 3 times while wearing pajamas.. you'll wake up the next morning wearing a LA Clippers jersey.
<----- Not a Ab Rocket scientist.
BREAKING NEWS: Superbowl MVP Pete Carroll suspended 4 games for, ThatWasTheFuckingDumbestCallEverGate.
I would love to fuck Hannah Davis and the horse she rode in on.
I find it amazing, that I don't have to turn the newspaper upside down anymore to see the New York Mets in first place.
Fat, bald and I have a small dick, Emmy winning comedy writer @caspermartinez lets me write with him. https://twitter.com/search?q=from%3Apat_e_rock&src=savs
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