Every year, when the President "pardons" a turkey, I think, Ho ho! What a hilarious ribbing of a legal system that puts humans to death!

ATTENTION PACIFIC TIME ZONE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN START HOARDING BOTTLED WATER SALT & BATTERIES JUST DO IT OH GOD WE'VE RUINED EVERYTHING IT'S

MY CAR MAGNET WORKED!!!

"I don't know, something about the way he kept saying 'It's my turn, he got to go last before' makes me want him to be in charge."

If your idea of "mourning" is trolling the Internet to lecture people on "mourning," maybe look up the word "mourning" first.

"EVERY week is shark week." - An exasperated seal

Fireworks start soon. No one ever notices in the dark, but I press my fingers to my temples and pretend I'm exploding them with my mind.

I think the ceremony is winding down. Kate and William are walking back up the aisle and the Queen just put the medals on C3P0 and R2D2.

I DID IT! You're welcome, everyone.

NERD DISCOVERS WHICH DAY WAS ICE CUBE'S GOOD DAY http://t.co/hc2nwo8x

O LORD PLEASE DON'T LET THE FACEBOOK SHOE-PHOTO TAGGER GET ME!!!

Why did no one tell me about Glenn Close's reverse-gender steampunk Bosom Buddies movie?

I know so many-- SO many-- hilarious women, and so many-- soooooo many-- absolutely unfunny, never ever funny dudes.

Oh man, I can't wait to see that movie where Shakespeare is just some dumb asshole.

Guys! Happy Back to The Future microwave setting! It's the same setting as when Doc Brown made popcorn in the movie! http://t.co/1etxJUcR

Nice covert fat joke, you fake comedian.

Soda prices too high? Considering a home soda machine? Save even more by drinking spilled soda off the sidewalk like a dumb bee, you maniac!

I just saw some blog headline that read, "Will Spotify Kill Pandora?" Which I assume is some sort of Game of Thrones shit.

I hope they turn around to reveal Bachmann is talking to a quizzical golden lab.

Everyone at my gym agrees: the best place for two people to have a conversation is in a doorway!