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Dear NASA, please consider less iambic rover names. "Opportunity" and "Curiosity" are kicking my butt. Yours, a dude with weird niche needs
I want to get an Impala just so I can call it Vlad.
me, to boychild: yo mamma so sweet, I'd marry her all over. boychild: [eyeroll]
Watching Friends. Turns out canned laughter has a "best by" date.
country song idea: When I put her in her place (that's when I lost her)
parenting tip: when kids ask for white-out, avoid saying you don't know where it is because you don't make mistakes.
I don't even know a single way of skinning a cat. Potato peeler?
readying for sleepover. me: did you pack your toothbrush? boychild: I can, but I won't use it.
Piracy warnings on a remake strike me as disingenuous.
Boychild is upset at his vocabulary homework. But it's clearly working, because he says it is "agitating" him.
Weird. Irish coffee takes two things I like and makes a third, which I don't.
If have to do the math to see if something's "worth it," it's probably not.
Me: wind is god, farting. Boychild: no, it's god sighing at that joke.
2 kids on first vacation morning. 1 on trampoline, 1 reading about al Qaeda and modernism. Same parents.
In order not to be a cliche, I always look in one or two more places after I find what I'm looking for.
Girlchild's friend, grabbing conversation hearts: these are definitely my favorite part of your whole house.
Hose: the original skinny jeans.
I have yet to look at a photo and mistake those two fingers behind the "friend's" head for what, antlers? antennae? ears?
How can you tell I'm a dad? Because I make jokes like this. Singing: Ptolemy, why not take Ptolemy...
the cat is now shredding my newspaper. did he read my previous tweet?
Authority Figure; WaitWait Limericist; Cage Free Trophy Husband
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