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Dear NASA, please consider less iambic rover names. "Opportunity" and "Curiosity" are kicking my butt. Yours, a dude with weird niche needs
I want to get an Impala just so I can call it Vlad.
me, to boychild: yo mamma so sweet, I'd marry her all over. boychild: [eyeroll]
Watching Friends. Turns out canned laughter has a "best by" date.
parenting tip: when kids ask for white-out, avoid saying you don't know where it is because you don't make mistakes.
I don't even know a single way of skinning a cat. Potato peeler?
Boychild is upset at his vocabulary homework. But it's clearly working, because he says it is "agitating" him.
Weird. Irish coffee takes two things I like and makes a third, which I don't.
If have to do the math to see if something's "worth it," it's probably not.
Me: wind is god, farting. Boychild: no, it's god sighing at that joke.
Girlchild's friend, grabbing conversation hearts: these are definitely my favorite part of your whole house.
Hose: the original skinny jeans.
I have yet to look at a photo and mistake those two fingers behind the "friend's" head for what, antlers? antennae? ears?
How can you tell I'm a dad? Because I make jokes like this. Singing: Ptolemy, why not take Ptolemy...
the cat is now shredding my newspaper. did he read my previous tweet?
SAT experience tells me that, In vote for Scottish independence, "yes" is a trick. The correct answer is C, "aye." (It's always C.)
I think my third eye needs Visine.
Fact: parents acquire tastes on order to keep from sharing with offspring. I'm up to 80+% cocoa in my chocolate by now.
At National Archives. Saw original Constitution et al. Got choked up. Where has my cynicism gone?
I'd call my autobiography "About the Author." Then I'd have an "about the author" bit at the end, saying "did you pay attention at all?"
Authority Figure; WaitWait Limericist; Cage Free Trophy Husband
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