I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.

Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.

You're ignoring me and it really has my attention.

Where have you been all my life?

Can you go back there?

I never learned to play guitar because I was already getting laid.

Dumb minds think alike too.

Twitter has single handedly killed all my Other addictions.

Adele's vocals are better than your fat joke.

The next generation will never get "the pages are stuck together" joke.

I've never met a stripper named Dignity.

If you take the wrong drugs every car is the police. If you take the right drugs every car is an ice cream sandwich.

When women tell me they do yoga, all I hear is "I'm tight, flexible and want you to fuck the shit out of me"

I exaggerate a million times a day.

If your personality is shit, I don't give a fuck how hot you are.

If women were as self conscious of their personalities as they are of their bodies we'd probably live happily ever after.

I'm so old school I masturbate using my imagination only.

Guys like road head, women love shower head.

As soon as you meet someone you think means something to you you're doomed.

It's less about the execution of a blowjob than it is about her enthusiasm.

My twitter GF and I have taken it to the next level. We've already stopped star fucking each other.