I have CDO. It's like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.

My daughter is not speaking to me because I said the Jonas brother she loves is a fruit looking for a cake to happen.

I'm aware that I look like shit today but I do believe that's the style now.

Good moms let you lick the beaters, great moms turn the mixer off first.

I don't want to reveal too much about myself, but how long can someone survive without a poo?

Ok guys...just so you know, I don't want to be a part of my family let alone your Mafia family.

God made us sisters. Prozac made us friends.

It's so cold today the hookers downtown are charging 20 bucks just to blow on your hands.

A lesson for you kids...When shit hits the fan, it's not always evenly distributed.

I'm laying on the couch watching TV, still suffering through a cold & thinking how ironic it would be to die in the living room.

Since I canceled my subscription to Hipster Weekly, I don't have a clue what half of you are talking about.

The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of their tires.

Really, as my Granny would say, I'm as baffled as Adam on Mother's Day.

If I'm ignorant then why is this the first I've heard of it?

Peeked while playing hide and seek.

Kanye's feelings get hurt every time he's called a douche. Then he goes & rolls in his massive gymnasium full of money & laughs & laughs.

I'm predicting that in the future, everybody will somehow be related to a Duggar.

Went out for coffee...Considering the general public is making a special effort to be stupid today, I will not be going back out there.

WE'RE GONNA HARNESS THE SUN, MOTHAFUCKERS!!! THE SUN!!!

Today is brought to you by antihistamines, decongestants and nasal sprays.