How to talk to hot girls in a bar:

1)Sit and stare for no less than one hour while doing shots.

2)Go home.

Just saw a dude wearing camo crocks. I'm assuming he doesn't want the deer to know he is a douchebag.

I like my women like I like my walls: plastered and white.

To be effective, DUI checkpoints should be in taco bell drive thru's.

Sometimes I hook up my tv to the stereo system and play women's tennis on full volume so the neighbors think I'm getting some.

I was going to go Caylee Anthony for Halloween, but my mother would kill me.

I want a Facebook woman in the streets, and twitter in the sheets.

I'm not saying we're getting dumber, but we went from Dead Poets Society and 'carpe diem' to Jersey Shore and 'yolo'.

If you take the bag of wine out of the box, you can jam a straw into it like a Capri Sun.
Saturday's are fun.

When someone says, "that's ridiculous, no one will ever do that", I'm the guy that says, "hold my beer. I'll do it."

A school bus just passed by. OR, as I prefer to call it, a giant van filled with things I don't like.

I'm throwing a surprise party for my liver tonight.

I've been playing McDonald's monopoly game for three weeks now, and I finally won heart disease.

I have the worst friends in the world. I got drunk last night, and someone put pee in my pants.

While my words will never *hurt* you, my goal is long term psychological damage.
Your move, next door neighbors kid.

I wouldn't say I'm good at bowling, but I'm excellent at getting drunk and throwing things.

Jimmie Johnson is by far the most creative way to name your child Penis Penis and get away with it.

When I can't hear someone on the phone, I just scream, "THIS IS YOUR COUSIN, MARVIN.... MARVIN BERRY!"

The only things certain in life:
1. death
2. taxes
3. nothing lasts forever in the cold November rain

I had no response to the girl that was asking why july 4th wasn't on the weekend except for regret that my vote counts the same as hers.