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This girl text me: "your adorable
I text back: no YOU'RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo...
There's a different between a slut and a bitch...
A slut will sleep with anyone.
A bitch will sleep with anyone... But you.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,...
why don't you ever smile in my pictures?
I wonder when all professional photography studios will start offering the bathroom mirror background for photoshoots...
A breakup is like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself trying to fix it.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes... I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Facebook: "Don't drink and drive, accidents kill people."
Twitter: "Don't drink and park, accidents cause people."
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop...
That's not a front for anything illegal I'm sure...
If really expensive anti wrinkle cream worked... Would women even have fingerprints?
Jeopardy: Twitter edition
Answer: how to win at twitter
Question: what are bacon flavored vodka filled boobs?
I hate rude people who interrupt...
Her: hi, how are you today?
Me: I'm doing pretty...
Her: stop grabbing my boobs?
Me: you're so rude!
The only positive I can say about my state legalizing marijuana is that at least all kids in future generations will know the metric system