Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
This girl text me: "your adorable
I text back: no YOU'RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo...
Fool me once, you have boobs.
Fool me twice, you have boobs.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I'd have picked you?
There's a different between a slut and a bitch...
A slut will sleep with anyone.
A bitch will sleep with anyone... But you.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,...
why don't you ever smile in my pictures?
I wonder when all professional photography studios will start offering the bathroom mirror background for photoshoots...
Instagram sounds like a good drug dealer name...
I'm craving a milkshake but I don't want a bunch of dudes in my yard.
Personality wise, she's got a great body.
A breakup is like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself trying to fix it.
Okay I got a follower...
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes... I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
On a scale of 1 to Chris Brown... My anger is about Mel Gibson
Facebook: "Don't drink and drive, accidents kill people."
Twitter: "Don't drink and park, accidents cause people."
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop...
That's not a front for anything illegal I'm sure...
Just found out my girlfriend suffers from non-existence...
If really expensive anti wrinkle cream worked... Would women even have fingerprints?
Jeopardy: Twitter edition
Answer: how to win at twitter
Question: what are bacon flavored vodka filled boobs?
I hate rude people who interrupt...
Her: hi, how are you today?
Me: I'm doing pretty...
Her: stop grabbing my boobs?
Me: you're so rude!
The only positive I can say about my state legalizing marijuana is that at least all kids in future generations will know the metric system
I'd put something clever here, but you wouldnt get it.