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This girl text me: "your adorable
I text back: no YOU'RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo...
Fool me once, you have boobs.
Fool me twice, you have boobs.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I'd have picked you?
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,...
why don't you ever smile in my pictures?
There's a different between a slut and a bitch...
A slut will sleep with anyone.
A bitch will sleep with anyone... But you.
I'm craving a milkshake but I don't want a bunch of dudes in my yard.
I wonder when all professional photography studios will start offering the bathroom mirror background for photoshoots...
Personality wise, she's got a great body.
Instagram sounds like a good drug dealer name...
On a scale of 1 to Chris Brown... My anger is about Mel Gibson
A breakup is like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself trying to fix it.
Tried to text "playa" but it changed it to "player"
I must have the white iPhone.
Okay I got a follower...
Facebook: "Don't drink and drive, accidents kill people."
Twitter: "Don't drink and park, accidents cause people."
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes... I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Just found out my girlfriend suffers from non-existence...
Jeopardy: Twitter edition
Answer: how to win at twitter
Question: what are bacon flavored vodka filled boobs?
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop...
That's not a front for anything illegal I'm sure...
The only positive I can say about my state legalizing marijuana is that at least all kids in future generations will know the metric system
If really expensive anti wrinkle cream worked... Would women even have fingerprints?
I'd put something clever here, but you wouldnt get it.