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This girl text me: "your adorable
I text back: no YOU'RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo...
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I'd have picked you?
Fool me once, you have boobs.
Fool me twice, you have boobs.
I'm craving a milkshake but I don't want a bunch of dudes in my yard.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,...
why don't you ever smile in my pictures?
There's a different between a slut and a bitch...
A slut will sleep with anyone.
A bitch will sleep with anyone... But you.
I wonder when all professional photography studios will start offering the bathroom mirror background for photoshoots...
Personality wise, she's got a great body.
Instagram sounds like a good drug dealer name...
Today sucked so bad I was surprised it didn't say "Feat. Pitbull" on the calendar.
Tried to text "playa" but it changed it to "player"
I must have the white iPhone.
On a scale of 1 to Chris Brown... My anger is about Mel Gibson
A breakup is like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself trying to fix it.
Facebook: "Don't drink and drive, accidents kill people."
Twitter: "Don't drink and park, accidents cause people."
Jeopardy: Twitter edition
Answer: how to win at twitter
Question: what are bacon flavored vodka filled boobs?
I don't mean to interrupt your scrolling... But, if you're reading this... it means we're dating.
I love you babe.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes... I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Just found out my girlfriend suffers from non-existence...
Every time someone texts me using the wrong "your/you're"; I realize why we have to write things like "do not eat" on dry silica packets.
I said it before and I'll say it again.
I don't repeat myself.
I'd put something clever here, but you wouldnt get it.