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This girl text me: "your adorable
I text back: no YOU'RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo...
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I'd have picked you?
Fool me once, you have boobs.
Fool me twice, you have boobs.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,...
why don't you ever smile in my pictures?
Today sucked so bad I was surprised it didn't say "Feat. Pitbull" on the calendar.
I'm craving a milkshake but I don't want a bunch of dudes in my yard.
I wonder when all professional photography studios will start offering the bathroom mirror background for photoshoots...
There's a different between a slut and a bitch...
A slut will sleep with anyone.
A bitch will sleep with anyone... But you.
Tried to text "playa" but it changed it to "player"
I must have the white iPhone.
Personality wise, she's got a great body.
Instagram sounds like a good drug dealer name...
On a scale of 1 to Chris Brown... My anger is about Mel Gibson
Facebook: "Don't drink and drive, accidents kill people."
Twitter: "Don't drink and park, accidents cause people."
A breakup is like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself trying to fix it.
Just found out my girlfriend suffers from non-existence...
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes... I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Jeopardy: Twitter edition
Answer: how to win at twitter
Question: what are bacon flavored vodka filled boobs?
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop...
That's not a front for anything illegal I'm sure...
Okay I got a follower...
The only positive I can say about my state legalizing marijuana is that at least all kids in future generations will know the metric system