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This girl text me: "your adorable
I text back: no YOU'RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo...
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I'd have picked you?
Fool me once, you have boobs.
Fool me twice, you have boobs.
I'm craving a milkshake but I don't want a bunch of dudes in my yard.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,...
why don't you ever smile in my pictures?
Today sucked so bad I was surprised it didn't say "Feat. Pitbull" on the calendar.
I wonder when all professional photography studios will start offering the bathroom mirror background for photoshoots...
There's a different between a slut and a bitch...
A slut will sleep with anyone.
A bitch will sleep with anyone... But you.
Personality wise, she's got a great body.
Tried to text "playa" but it changed it to "player"
I must have the white iPhone.
Instagram sounds like a good drug dealer name...
On a scale of 1 to Chris Brown... My anger is about Mel Gibson
A breakup is like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself trying to fix it.
Facebook: "Don't drink and drive, accidents kill people."
Twitter: "Don't drink and park, accidents cause people."
Just found out my girlfriend suffers from non-existence...
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop...
That's not a front for anything illegal I'm sure...
Jeopardy: Twitter edition
Answer: how to win at twitter
Question: what are bacon flavored vodka filled boobs?
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes... I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Okay I got a follower...
The only positive I can say about my state legalizing marijuana is that at least all kids in future generations will know the metric system