my nipples feel fine today

@robdelaney Centuries? Don't you know that pedophiles were invented in 1948? #fact

buying floaty wings

@brenkennedy for you Brendan, I will make sure and bring my D+ game

i was eating babies before it was cool #hipsterdingo

"Why did he get served first?" "CAUSE HES WHITE!!!" ~ Black guy

"Jimmy cracked corn... and I cared." ~ Me showing women that I'm caring and a generous lover, at my local @longjohnslvrs. #catcall

I just had a #comedy flashback, where I told a girl I wanted to put it in her butt... while she sat next to her father. #accidental #asshole

I'm pregnant @twitter, and it's yours

If Optimus Prime boned a regular car, would it be like a regular person boning a sex doll? #transformersex #dubstep

@verifieddrunk tell that to the catholic church #priestlyrules

Seriously, I have a busy week this week, and I need to kick some names and take some ass! #gym #work #social #whippedcream #balloons

I haven't been to the gym in 3 weeks. This shit is stopping. Tomorrow. Maybe. If I feel like it. #procrastination

that hurt. #rams

There's an International Women's Day? Why do they need that? Don't women get drink specials at bars on Wednesdays already? #ladiesnights

My Boner's official name has a prefix and suffix.

Rt"@verifieddrunk: Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's Photoshop®."

Even though the stuff with rex ryan is hilarious & weird, lets give him props for having freaky deaky sex with his wife & not a mistress

@dankcharnley almost legal

@nfl_stats Stupid. They could have saved that for a time when they actually needed it