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I think I'm twitterpauseal.
Great, I just found out that my life coach un-followed me. I feel so alone.
I've already had the best 4th of july in my life...fireworks and all...had to be the fajita
This is the progression if people don't stop saying "Merica."
Twitter is just a written record of how everyone's lives went horribly wrong.
Make-up sex? I prefer cake-up sex, because licking delicious frosting.
I have always been more of a plan B guy anyways...
If someone treated you like shit, be mature. Key your name on their car and move on.
If you are over 6ft tall and wear Crocs, people* will call you Croczilla.
*me. I will call you Croczilla.
Truthful Tuesday: Let's be honest. I'm never going to tell you guys anything you really want to know.
I just bit my lip. Not in a sexy way, in a 'get all the crumbs from a potato chip bag' way.
Inspire with your actions not your words.
Sex is wasted on the wasted
I really need to start being more observant. My kid has snacks hidden all over this house. I mean who the fuck eats muffins when they pee?
It isn't even 11 a.m. and I've already used the term, 'punk ass bitch' five times.
I think people are at their most creative when they run out of toilet paper.
I always wondered where it was until I heard the song "Whoomp there it is"
I find stuff under my couch cushions more interesting than you.
Make-up sex justifies being stupid and I'm hoping I'm about to be justified
I will choose cuddly nerd over conceited pretty boy any day
Lover of wine and burritos. Got a little devil in her angel eyes. Dancer since birth. Native New Yorker livin in Amish country, yo!