Dear Booze: "Fuck Toothpaste" must be the slogan of this bar. I love West Virginia.

Burrito: I'm so sad and lonely
Me: Come with me I'll give you a good home.
And I did... *pats belly

You can't make someone love you.

But you can lie to yourself, and become delusional, until you actually believe that they do.

Sometimes I'm glad people are stupid...because they drive me to drink and I love to drink.

You got it, you got it! Oops it's gone.

-my interest

You know when you have the hiccups and you fart because of the velocity.... I feel like a Church organ..

Sometimes it's a good thing to have fake people in this world, helps you find out who your real friends are. #SoTrue

A Girl will fake an orgasm.

The woman won't stop until it's real.

Talk is cheap. If you appreciate someone following you, reciprocate w/ mutual respect. Otherwise, in most cases, ciao-bye!

Goo Goo Dolls - Iris👌>>>

Oops. Nothing like trolling Westboro Baptist Church`s twitter page and fucking up my grammar. Oh well, they`re inbred fucks anyway.

I am going to slice up a pear. Stick it in a huge cup of wine and fold the fuckin laundry... Damn it

I'm white, but not "drive an extra 90 minutes to go to the... less... crowded water park" white.

Hey, Powerball winner ... I know where you can put some of that 600 million dollars to good use ... #prayforoklahoma

Kelly Rowland will be joining the judging panel on "The X-Factor."

Upon hearing the news, Beyoncé said "who?"

That's already heartburn on the way down... Good luck, Prilosec!!!

I've boycotted all fast food drive-thru's until they start offering cupcakes, string cheese and relationship advice on the menu.

The fact that there are people who actually find humor in what has happened in Oklahoma appalls me.

After about 9 shots of tequila each! pic.twitter.com/zCV1taheDX

I was one of those nice guys in high school. Ya know, a virgin.