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First known picture of Michael Phelps
What does Ohio State and marijuana have in common?
They both get smoked in bowls.
It's a good thing emotional scars are invisible or Porn would look disgusting
Losing weight doesn't seem to be working, so I'm concentrating on getting taller
Flowers- $50, dinner- $75, hotel- $199, the look on his face when you tell him you're on your period- priceless.
Don't try to play me. I come from a long line of smart women who own guns
Alcohol: because no great story ever started with someone eating a salad
I just said "anal sex is my birth control" in from of my father and his softball team. I HAVE to stop drinking.
I can't have unprotected sex until I get some health insurance
If weed is ever legalized I can't wait to see the commercials
WebMD is like porn for hypercondriacs
Twitter has 4 emotions:
Fact: if you know the correct use of to, too, there, their and they're, I'm more likely to have sex with you than if not.
It's a disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad
I get offended when I go get sushi and the waitress asks me if I need a fork. So racist.
Put a giant condom around your heart and fuck your feelings!
I still have some blood in my alcohol stream
You know you're hungover when you're too tired to rub one out
When I look at couples and think "how the hell did she score him?" I just assume she sucks dick like a pro. That's the ONLY explanation.
I wonder if the sober me were to ever meet the drunk me, if I would think she's awesome too?
Am I easily entertained? No, but then again, give me string and I'm happy.