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First known picture of Michael Phelps

What does Ohio State and marijuana have in common?

They both get smoked in bowls.

It's a good thing emotional scars are invisible or Porn would look disgusting

Losing weight doesn't seem to be working, so I'm concentrating on getting taller

Flowers- $50, dinner- $75, hotel- $199, the look on his face when you tell him you're on your period- priceless.

Don't try to play me. I come from a long line of smart women who own guns

Alcohol: because no great story ever started with someone eating a salad

I just said "anal sex is my birth control" in from of my father and his softball team. I HAVE to stop drinking.

I can't have unprotected sex until I get some health insurance

If weed is ever legalized I can't wait to see the commercials

WebMD is like porn for hypercondriacs

Twitter has 4 emotions:

1) high/drunk
2) horny
3) tired
4) heartbroken

Fact: if you know the correct use of to, too, there, their and they're, I'm more likely to have sex with you than if not.

It's a disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad

I get offended when I go get sushi and the waitress asks me if I need a fork. So racist.

Put a giant condom around your heart and fuck your feelings!

I still have some blood in my alcohol stream

You know you're hungover when you're too tired to rub one out

When I look at couples and think "how the hell did she score him?" I just assume she sucks dick like a pro. That's the ONLY explanation.

I wonder if the sober me were to ever meet the drunk me, if I would think she's awesome too?