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There are fitness apps for the iPad. The very device that I can stare at for 12 hours at a time, without moving or eating.
If we're both not married in 20 years, we'll give each other a high-five and count all the money we have.
Dudes that wear Affliction t-shirts always look like they know more about the culinary intricacies of Burger King than mixed martial arts.
Sometimes I text the words "I'm pregnant" to random numbers.
Only 460 more followers until I reach 500!
Nothing says "Dad didn't show me how to shave." quite like toilet paper squares all over your balls.
I don't mean to sound rude, but if I spend $30 on a trophy, I'm giving it to myself.
Congratulations on your five star tweet. We are so proud of you.
Boob cleavage avi's get you followers. Scrotum cleavage avi's get you registered as a sex offender.
I just moved into the area.
If you think about it, dogs have wild sex. Like outside with people watching, or outside with people. Dogs don't give a shit.
I was planking at the beach today and it was like no one even noticed.
"This party is dead. "
-Tweet from a funeral
"I FOUND THE TABLE!"
You say smartphone and tablet.
I say iPhone and iPad.
Yes, I'm completely pretentious and self-absorbed.
Sometimes while reading on twitter I feel like I'm in a philosophy class at community college.
If you follow four times as many people that follow you, maybe you should go back to Facebook.
What's with 20 year old girls carrying $300 handbags, with a debit card inside that goes to an account with $37.
If you spell your name "Geoff", don't be surprised when I call you "Goof".
Cloning seems to be the least practical and most difficult way of producing one single sheep.
I didn't get you a trophy. I did however, get you a solo cup filled with whiskey and Coke. Since your not here though... Don't mind if I do.