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There are fitness apps for the iPad. The very device that I can stare at for 12 hours at a time, without moving or eating.
If we're both not married in 20 years, we'll give each other a high-five and count all the money we have.
Dudes that wear Affliction t-shirts always look like they know more about the culinary intricacies of Burger King than mixed martial arts.
Nothing says "Dad didn't show me how to shave." quite like toilet paper squares all over your balls.
I don't mean to sound rude, but if I spend $30 on a trophy, I'm giving it to myself.
Congratulations on your five star tweet. We are so proud of you.
Love, mom.
Boob cleavage avi's get you followers. Scrotum cleavage avi's get you registered as a sex offender.
I just moved into the area.
If you think about it, dogs have wild sex. Like outside with people watching, or outside with people. Dogs don't give a shit.
I was planking at the beach today and it was like no one even noticed.
You say smartphone and tablet.
I say iPhone and iPad.
Yes, I'm completely pretentious and self-absorbed.
Sometimes while reading on twitter I feel like I'm in a philosophy class at community college.
If you follow four times as many people that follow you, maybe you should go back to Facebook.
What's with 20 year old girls carrying $300 handbags, with a debit card inside that goes to an account with $37.
If you spell your name "Geoff", don't be surprised when I call you "Goof".
Cloning seems to be the least practical and most difficult way of producing one single sheep.
I didn't get you a trophy. I did however, get you a solo cup filled with whiskey and Coke. Since your not here though... Don't mind if I do.
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