I'm not that "into" sleeping with married men...just ask my husband!

Some women skip "camel toe" and go straight to "moose knuckle"!

I sometimes think "wow i follow really cool people-I wish I was them"..then I realize your all just sitting in front of the screen like me.

Your milkshake might bring the boys to the yard but my french fries get them to the bedroom beotch!

If you still respect me in the morning... I must not have been doing it right :(

I can't find 10 people in the last 31 yrs who like me..so how am I supposed to get 10 stars in an hour?

ahhhh just jumped over the lawn sprinkler in a dress without undies..now THAT is a summer's eve...up yours massengil

u might be a redneck if you know WHY they put tires on the roof of a trailer

Thanks to twitter I can cross "join a cult" off of my bucket list.

Am I evil for thinking it is poetic that my daughter has twice hurt her feet stepping on toys she left laying around??

My husband is busy doing dishes and cleaning up the house...I'm gonna wait a little bit longer before I tell him I just got my period.

Is starring your own tweet 'mastarbating'?

I imagine the hardest part of divorce is dividing up the sex toys!

I write stuff to be funny & nobody stars it- I write something true & bam STARS-my life of misfortune is apparently humorous-YOU'RE WELCOME!

Attn Fat girl at the water park...you are not Kim Kardashian...I swear I heard your bikini crying!!!!!

I'm going to take the "you're wonderfully silly" as a compliment-its better than the "You're fucking nuts!" from the guy at the red light.

I am traiing my son to be on "People Of Walmart" websites...we have errands to run and I am letting him wear his pj's out! DONT CALL CPS!

Everyone who wants to smack the girls who wear their sunglasses as a hair accessory raise your hands!

Will you come over and help with my sleep study? I need to know if I actually fart in my sleep.

I get like this mood once every six months...ya know about often as most of you have sex...