Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.

Maggie Simpson will give some awesome blowjobs someday.

Just Googled "Chris Brown" and now I have a black eye.

Come to the dark side.... we don't pay our electric bill.

Some old guy on the bus was eye-raping me. I made autistic whale noises loudly and he stopped.

First rule of Procrastination Club: I'll tell you later....

When I was a kid, I thought a man living in my toilet wanted to eat my coochie while I peed... 

Now as an adult, I wish such man existed.

For health reasons, I've decided to give up Twitter.........








For sanity reasons, I've decided to give up giving up Twitter.

My parents always told me I was created in God's image.


God must have some real nice tits.

I spent my entire childhood avoiding a good spanking. Now I'm spending my entire adulthood doing the exact opposite.

I won't lie, I'd pay top dollar to just see Katy Perry work a jackhammer for a few minutes.

If Meat Loaf doesn't call his testicles "meatballs," he can go fuck himself.

My power went out. I knew my collection of glow-in-the dark dildos would come in handy someday.

I sometimes hump random trees in hopes one will ejaculate Keebler cookies.

vaginas are like charging docks for penises

If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a fucking murder scene.

I just swallowed a little hair color. I think I'm going to dye.

My mom is SO racist. She hates my new boyfriend because his nationality is imaginary.

Is it too late for Justin Bieber's mom to have an abortion?

I'm an apathetic druggie. I'm always high on crystal meh.