Our Tory MP visited assembly last week. Child 1: What's your favourite school? MP: This one. Child 2: Why are you closing it down, then?

@mattleys As a teacher who is mild-mannered and swears infrequently, I find Gove a slimy, deluded, shit-spewing, utter fucking bastard.

David Cameron has announced that the Olympics has given Britain a massive self-confidence boost. He'll soon fix that.

It seems appropriate to repost this from a long time ago: pic.twitter.com/Vx87dEV4Rp

My oldest friend has told everyone on Facebook how wonderful her husband is for bringing her "a bowel full of porridge" in bed. Yummy!

I like eating haggis and would quite like to try making my own. I haven't got the stomach for it, though.

Gove, Gove, decrees that we / Should teach young children poetry. / Yet another silly stunt / From Gove, Gove, stupid idiot.

I follow a moose, duck, rabbit, panda and owl on Twitter. I insist they're real people but my friend says they're only menagerie.

This is well worth watching until the very end of the 90 seconds. No spoilers!  http://youtu.be/k8AkjWQ3P-M 

So good to hear a #bbcqt audience shouting this silly government down. At last. At bloody last.

My husband loves to turn me on my back, run his hands over me and say I'm beautiful. Wish he didn't call me by his guide dog's name, though.

@mattleys People who strike for better working conditions help raise the standards for all those whose working conditions need improving.

@mooseallain Old school joke: What's the difference between plastic surgeons and OFSTED inspectors? Plastic surgeons tuck up your features.

When the police demanded we accompany them to the station as our noisy sex was disturbing the neighbours, we said we'd come quietly.

I'm not sure I'd complain about a nice bit of stallion between my baps.

JLS have split up? Oh man. Now I’ve got NO chance of finding out who they are or what they look like.

I think it's unfair to judge Piers Morgan by only looking at certain aspects of his life and work. We should all judge him as a hole.

I say ‘of,’ you say ‘if.’ / I say ‘though,’ you say ‘methought.' / Of, if, though, methought. / Let’s turn autocorrect off.

Both of the teachers I’ve spoken to today think Michael Gove should go. So that’s 100% of all teachers who think Gove should go. #survey

Here's a very long shot: does anyone know of a Carolynn and Neil Stocks who are / were publicans in or around the Rotherham area? Please RT.