My hobby is orgasms.

I star everything that makes me smile. I wish they had an oral sex icon so I could give an extra special something to the ones that make lol

Bitch on the treadmill next to me smirked after I got off after two miles. I felt bad. Then I tripped her. I feel accomplished again.

My mom doesn't like my jokes.

I drove her to the strip club so we could "pick up my paycheck". I told her I was jk. They pay me in cash.

Brought my 21 year old cousin to this wedding so that she can experience this most momentous occasion.

Open bar.

Fuck me like you paid for it.

A follower is someone that doesnt know you and that's why they like you.

Do boys like dirty girls? Or just drunk ones.

Cuz I'm about to have both of those covered.

Last year I was so good that Santa came twice.

So ... It turns out that my desk is not as sturdy as my boss insisted it would be.

You look like I need another drink.

Drank Mexican beer on Friday, German beer on Saturday, and Dutch beer on Sunday. Soon my liver will be better traveled than the rest of me.

Woman at gym: Do we change clothes in front of everybody?
Me: Yes, where else would we get our crippling self-hate?
Woman: ........ Oh. Ok.

I got up, ran 3 miles, drank coffee, masturbated, ate ice cream, and yelled at little people. All before going to work.
Carpe fuckin diem.

I just stabbed my coworker in the throat with my pen.

Its too early to tell, but nobody seems to be buying my emergency tracheotomy story.

Just told the boss that if he gave me a raise, I'd give him one.





Score. .... And score again.

My commute to work is 4 orgasms.

That would be an hour or 40 miles for those of you that measure distance that way.

I graduated summa cum loudly.

Have you ever saw some hawt shoes, followed by hawt legs, followed by hawt ass, followed by hawt bewbz, followed by HOLYSHITWTFHAPPENED??!!!

If I drive a big truck does that mean everybody knows I have small vajay?