Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Every time a little part of my soul dies I try to make a joke about it.
They sell Harvard shirts at Target so that's a good way to save $ 399,984.05.
What Hollywood has taught me is that a camera actually does steal a person's soul just as the natives always feared.
When someone asks, "what are you doing tomorrow?" I panic.
The ability to build dramatic suspense by counting to three in a furious crescendo is the most important skill of a parent.
I'd eat more oranges if they had a zipper.
Are we totally sure Snookie isn't Chris Farley doing the best bit ever.
Oh, the humor I could create with 142 characters, but this fascist system forces me into mediocrity.
The best way to breakup with your girlfriend is to stay married to her for 15 years.
Dude, I'm totally wasted. - my potential
It is now more difficult to remain anonymous than become famous.
It should be called twittercide when you open an account.
Manatees were dolphins when they were single.
Never make decisions according to superstition or something bad will happen.
Growing up means arguing with yourself more than with others.
I've figured it out guys, just say that sex with you is on SALE. Women won't be able to resist it.
Let me know when you guys are done tweeting because I have something to say and I want everybody's full attention so I don't waste my time.
Tweets are selfies too.
Now that everyone has cell phones don't you think we should widen roads a little.
Laying next to my wife in bed is like working at a bank, it's all right there for the taking but usually isn't worth the risk.