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Every time a little part of my soul dies I try to make a joke about it.
They sell Harvard shirts at Target so that's a good way to save $ 399,984.05.
What Hollywood has taught me is that a camera actually does steal a person's soul just as the natives always feared.
When someone asks, "what are you doing tomorrow?" I panic.
The ability to build dramatic suspense by counting to three in a furious crescendo is the most important skill of a parent.
I'd eat more oranges if they had a zipper.
Oh, the humor I could create with 142 characters, but this fascist system forces me into mediocrity.
Are we totally sure Snookie isn't Chris Farley doing the best bit ever.
The best way to breakup with your girlfriend is to stay married to her for 15 years.
Dude, I'm totally wasted. - my potential
It should be called twittercide when you open an account.
It is now more difficult to remain anonymous than become famous.
Manatees were dolphins when they were single.
Never make decisions according to superstition or something bad will happen.
My 9 year-old just asked if we only remember the dreams we survive.
Growing up means arguing with yourself more than with others.
You will find exactly what you're looking for and it will not be enough.
I've figured it out guys, just say that sex with you is on SALE. Women won't be able to resist it.
Tweets are selfies too.
Let me know when you guys are done tweeting because I have something to say and I want everybody's full attention so I don't waste my time.
This isn't working.
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