I just laughed out loud at one of my own tweets, poured a screwdriver, and noticed that I am heading in rock bottoms general direction.

Discovered that if I hit start once on my microwave it goes 30sec, twice 1min etc. So I'm pretty excited for what else 2012 has to offer.

Every time the doctor asks "how are you feeling?" I freeze & respond with "I'm good" then it becomes difficult to explain why I'm there.

What do you call a black man with a father? A son, you racist pricks.

Remember when we didn't say "swag" or "swagger"... Man, those were the days.

Just had a tweet trying to describe how frustrated I am with Facebook, but that's lame, so I deleted it. Sorry for almost wasting your time.

If it wasn't for spell check I'd spell license and guarantee wrong everytime. I sware there the most dificult words to spell.

"Sorry, I was thinking of a ton of tweets and had to post them with the proper format" Isn't a good excuse for being late for a date. Is it?

That awkward moment when you realize that you're in the process of making a terrible attempt at a 'that awkward moment' tweet.

Created this new game called "try and remember anything about the last tweet you read." Its super challenging you guys.

"Holy shit, just become a stripper already."~What I'm thinking while a girl is discussing financial problems

Of all the cool and interesting places I've been on this planet, I'd say that the drunk tank is the hardest place to rub one out.

Homophobic dudes are so fucking gay.

Remember when we kept our random and frightening thoughts to ourselves? Man, those were some strange days.

Forgot my phone when I went to the bathroom and didn't even know what to do in there, so I left, got my phone, sat back down and wrote this.

Still laid off and no word from work yet. I was going to hand out some resumés and apply for employment insurance today, but twitter.

I'm most likely to go on a killing spree after trying to explain anything technology related to my parents.

My super power is not being able to think of what my spirit animal is.

I hope I get one of those hallucination type fevers with this flu. Drugs are so expensive, and this glue's been giving me a headache.

Still laid off so I'm really tempted to pay for Favstar's bonus features, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to give up on life quite yet.