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It's now up to Batkid to rescue the Tenderloin from the villainous clutches of San Francisco's crack epidemic.
After doing a fearless and searching moral inventory of myself I now accept that size Small American Apparel V-necks no longer fit me.
Was in line at Starbucks in my pajama pants when I looked down and saw that the head of my penis was sticking out.
I cherish all my friends but especially the ones who aren't in relationships and kind of dead inside.
I want to go in In N Out but never go Out.
Lesbians don't mind penises as long as they're rubber and not attached to a man.
Los Angeles: if you can make it here, you could potentially make it in some other place but also maybe not though.
Congratulations, Twitter hackers. You figured out that my password was my name. May God bless all your endeavors.
Lana del Ray sounds like a beautiful place to raise a family.
The only news source I trust is VICE because I want strictly the hipster take on serious world issues.
According to movies, if you stuff a sock in someone's mouth it's physically impossible for them to just spit it out.
I have a 'gluten-intolerance' intolerance.
"Rudolph" teaches us that bullies will quit discriminating against our physical appearance once we prove that they can somehow exploit it.
Just attempted to take a 15-minute nap, woke up 4 hours later sweat-soaked, frightened, with no clue where I am or what anything means.
Nothing weird about 3 hetero males watching a 'Boy George' music video to laugh at how bad it is but instead just being quietly moved by it.
For Lent I'm giving up my belief in God.
My 4th grade teacher got "real" with us one day and said, "one day, someone WILL offer you pot" and I just remember being really scared.
Amazing how the toothless schizophrenic Korean man speaking in tongues on the bus still knows exactly how many nickels gets him a transfer.
Watching Brokeback Mountain. They're still just friends but it's raining and they're in a tent and there's a feeling of impending anal.
I write stuff. I have a strange fascination with couches.
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