I call the top of my butt hole my "shitoris".

Is Rob Delaney a homosexual?

I honestly feel like I owe Ronald McDonald a blowjob for inventing the McGriddle. Like, it's the least I could do..

I've been finding fat chicks attractive lately. Either my standards are lowering, or my transformation into a black man is almost complete..

RT @couldbealex: Lmfao this nigga aint want help, he wanted to die hella bad pic.twitter.com/d7s1kFpO8P

Macaulay makes me believe in karma. Allah was all like, sry you got molested buddy, I'll let you bang Mila Kunis for 10 years 2 make up 4 it

I used to think, if I ever have a daughter, my biggest job is to keep her off the pole. Now, it's to keep her off Twitter..

I often forget that some people actually read what I tweet, and I'm not just here, casually talking to myself..

I sometimes sit in the corner of the shower at the 'Y', and scout the doods to see how I measure up. It's totally not gay, it's research..

#HowToPissWhitePeopleOff Personally I think the tension between races is hilarious because it is so unnecessary, pointless and stupid..

I wish there were a way I could go through life high, then take drugs to get sober when need be. It'd be much more convenient..

I have huge crushes on a couple of you, based soley on 1 pic & 140 characters. That's either a testament to your greatness or my loneliness.

My super hero name is: 'Captain Cunnilingus'. My sidekick is: 'Señor Shocker'. Our arch nemesis is: 'Brazen Blood Flow' #futurecomicbook

I love all these rappers getting tats on their faces. When you're dead ass broke in a year, you're gettin' NO JOB. Serves em right..

@juddapatow Judd you are living proof that the ugliest man can get the most beautiful woman as long as he has a lil personality.. :)

When I dont have sexual thoughts about a girl, & only want to converse, that's when ik I really like her. Either that or shes ugly as shit.

When guys talk about a "man cave", they're referring to their ass holes, correct?

In honor of "clit awareness day" I'm going to spend the rest of my day fondly reminiscing on that time I almost had sex..

Hey, fat people, wearing all black? You're not fooling anyone, okay? Just let them bellies flop out, yo..

"Getting fired at, fuck cops, who got me? Did I mention that they're cum shots? Bukkake." #DrakePunchlines