Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It's called 'We're poor because of you'.

I'm so proud of my daughter, she learns new things every day. Today for example she learnt that 'maybe later' actually means 'probably not.'

I just followed a police car all the way into work. Let's see how he fucking likes it.

When Michael J Fox dies I reckon McDonalds should commemorate by selling limited edition Marty McFries. No you shut up.

You know your drunk when you get arrested without pants on trying to walk home from a party that was at your own fucking house.

Hi. Did you know that you and I use the same internet cafe? Look over to your left. I'm the one grinning and waving at you! #psychotweet

That's not funny...
That's not funny...
That's not funny...
Haha! *star*...
That's not funny...

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?

It's just that you look like you hit a few trees on the way down and then landed in some shit.

It's very possible I'm taking a little too much pleasure out of watching a marriage break down on Facebook.
Someone pass the popcorn...

Tell a woman to sit down and shut the fuck up and you'll see how bad they really are at multitasking.

Buy my kid anything that contains glitter, putty or "get a grown up to help you" instructions and we will be friends no more.

I really can't stay...

Baby it's cold outside.

I have to go away...

Fine bitch I'll get your coat. I'm not playing these games. See ya.

*removes cape*
*slumps on sofa*
*turns on tv*
"Breaking news! A bank robbery in progress..."
*sighs*
*stands up, puts cape on*...

Breaking news - Panic spread across twitter today as favstar went down for repairs, and users didn't know for a while how fabulous they are.

Who me? Just putting an empty milk carton in the fridge in case anyone wants a black coffee...

Ah hello. I'll try a martini please.

Dirty martini? Well, a clean glass if it's an option.

What? Yes I am new to this. How can you tell?

Think of a number between 1 and 20.
Double it.
Multiply by 3.
Add 10.
Subtract your original number.
Close your eyes.
Dark, isn't it?

I wouldn't say it's a superpower but I've become very adept at dressing Barbie.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm too big or special to do any follow Friday mentions back. I'm just really really fucking lazy.

Anything is funny when you're in the right mood, so if you don't find some of my tweets funny then you've only got yourself to blame.