Dating a stripper is like eating noisy chips in church...everyone looks at you disgustingly, but deep down inside they want some too.

Nowadays, most women are against marriage. They've come to the conclusion that it's not worth buying a whole pig for a little sausage.

They did a bad job designing my car, cause everything I drop fits perfectly down that gap between my seat and console except for my hand.

When my girlfriend is sleeping with her mouth open, I think to myself "How can I make this look like an accident if she wakes up?"

I refuse to go bungee jumping...I came into this world because of a broken rubber, I'm not leaving because of one!

As a surprise for my girlfriend, I got some of those glow in the dark condoms...boy you should have seen her face light up.

My 4 yr. old is chasing the cat around & saying "Let me lick you"...I'm afraid he may have heard something last night he wasn't supposed to.

Out of coffee filters, so I've been using my girlfriend's maxi pads. The garbage man must think she has some kind of serious problem.

They say self-delusion is when you suck in your stomach as you step on the scale. But how else are you supposed to see the numbers?

If they can send astronauts to the moon...why not the sun? I know what ur thinking,it would be pretty hot..but what if they did it at night?

My wife's in the kitchen & she won't even bring me a beer in the living room. That's it...gonna text her this "Can't believe how lazy u are"

I wonder if strippers have that recurring nightmare of showing up at work fully clothed?

Cat shit in my shoe this morning so I poured a bag of catnip in her litter box & she's rolling around in her own shit now..fuck with me huh?

My gf gets mad at me when I wear jogging pants with no underwear...she says it looks like my dick is watching a tennis match when I walk.

I remember when I saw my sons ultrasound for the first time...it's the only time I've ever been excited about seeing someone else's penis.

Next halloween go to a costume party barefoot & shirtless with just pants on & say "I'm premature ejaculation cause I just came in my pants"

Last night I asked my gf "How come u never tell me when you're having an orgasm?" She said"You told me never 2 call you when you're at work"

I just watched this dumb cat waste 15 min of it's life playing with a ball of yarn...hope she wraps it up soon,I've got stuff I need 2 do.

Hand lotion is amazing!!! It softens my hands, while at the same time it hardens my penis.

My girlfriend is always bragging about how she can multi-task. What's so great about doing three things wrong at the same time?