If you ever doubt the value of writers, just follow your favorite actor on Twitter.

My best relationship advice: Make sure you're the crazy one.

When I see someone has 1,500 followers on twitter, I think "that person must b funny". 1,500 friends on FB "that person is batshit crazy"

You haven't lived until you've tried to make a bed and the sheets get caught by a ceiling fan and destroy all lamps in the room

Facebook buying Twitter is like your fundamentalist Christian parents coming home during the best party ever.

We OIL sure OIL do OIL care OIL about OIL people's OIL rights OIL in OIL the OIL middle OIL east.

Wife: "Let's have a day "just for talking", no TV, phones or Internet."

ME: "Like a murder/suicide day?"

Sux to have a day when you feel super confident, great and look amazing yet don't run into anyone you hate

Migraines. All of the sensory pleasures of a three-day bender hangover without the pesky fun

Christians sure waste a lot of time saying "I'm not one to judge" before saying something judgmental

My dog takes so long to take a dump I swear she's tweeting out there.

Girls that give hugs but don't squish their boobs against you are robots.

I just cleaned the house. Oh wait, I just watched "Hoarders" and my house just feels perfectly clean now

"Damn I look good, what a waste."

-Married people who look good today.

I am reasonably confident that if I acted mature no one would like me or find me interesting

Yea, autocorrect, I meant "nymph" instead of "my phone" because I am a 16th Century poet.

For once, I would like to hear "that dude was batshit fuckin CRAZY!" when they interview the neighbors of a serial killer

I just gagged on baby carrot. If I ever go to prison, I'm not going to be very popular

welcome to my new positive fucking attitude

Taking the n-word out of Huck Finn is insulting to all of us.

How can we continue to evolve if we forget how ignorant we once were?