Beyonce is pregnant, but it's not Jay-Z's. It's Destiny's child.

So a homophobe, a rapist, and a black guy walk into a bar, and everyone's like "Can I have your autograph, Kobe?"

Instagram is down and now people are going to starve because they won't eat their food without a picture of it.

I want to get drunk. Like "speaking in cursive" drunk.

If Skrillex gets a Grammy, so should those rumble strips located on the shoulders of roads. #Grammys

I liked dubstep when it was called starting your dial-up modem.

Titty fucking is the most romantic of all sexual acts because that's when you're the closest to her heart.

When my girlfriend and I fight, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house. Just so I can say "Oh yeah, you need me NOW, huh?"

One man's trash is another man's daughter.

"That shit crêpe." - niggas in IHOP.

Funny how people celebrate 4/20, Hitler's birthday, by burning a living thing and then giggling uncontrollably.

John Wilkes Booth: Vampire Hunter Hunter.

Just colored my phone's camera lens with a brown marker and now I have Instagram.

I can't wait for when Ke$ha has to downgrade to Ke¢ha. Then down to KeFOODSTAMPha.

If you think you're having a bad day, just remember, someone is gonna have Snooki as their mom.

I hate when I ask my best friend why he got me drunk last night and he doesn't answer me because he's a bottle of whiskey.

If you stay really quiet and listen very, very closely, you can hear the beautiful sound of you shutting the fuck up.

It's sad that Kim Kardashian will never love Kanye West as much as Kanye West loves Kanye West.

Anytime I stay at a hotel, I leave one of these in the safe for the next occupant to find. http://t.co/CfGpeyy

Now that Beyonce has that huge pregnant belly in the way, I bet Jay-Z has 69 problems.