When the facebook people finally find twitter we have an escape plan, right?

The best thing about being single is sleeping around.

You can sleep all over that lonely bed of yours. Left, right, middle, whatever.

Now that Steve Jobs is gone we'll never ever know why cunt autocorrects to Cynthia.

WHO WAS CYNTHIA?!?

The School of Twitter - where the class clowns are the only ones to take the place seriously

Dear life. When I asked if my day could get worse it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.

You auto complete me.

Before I tweet I pause for a millisecond. Then think "fuck it" and press the send button.

Thank your gods I'm not in charge of missiles.

You know when women say ok and they mean fuck you?

Nope? Oh... well ok then.

Do something right the first time and you won't have to do it twice. Do a girl right the first time and you better be damn ready for round 2

You know you officially have a short attention span when you skim read something that only contains 140 characters.

I'm 5'5" and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.

Kiss me, I'm Irish.

I'm also Australian so do it down under.

Twitter followers explained:

10 followers = 10 people reading your tweets.
1000 followers = 990 people not reading your tweets.

I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she'll be called Hey Pussy.

The pope has banned vuvuzelas from his presence. Turns out there is at least one thing he's willing to ban priests from blowing.

Life is like porn. Much better when people stop talking.

Just had to listen to a woman tell me her newborn was advanced.

Let's hold off on the genius label until the kid learns he has feet, ok?

I like you. But I also like smarties I found on the floor, so don't get too excited about it.

I can give you a happy ending but I'll never be your happily ever after.

Oh look, it's fuck this bullshit o'clock already.