Whoa there buddy. Don't get too happy, life hates that shit.

I love gross generalizations, who doesn't?

Just saw four sets of cankles become self aware and run away from their bodies. Run cankles, run! Be free!

I will never make you follow Paleo recipes. #whenigetmarried

Newbies - too many RTs? Click on my name, click on the picture of the little person, choose 'Turn Off Retweets', & you're safe. You pussies.

I will allow you to judge me if you allow me to play w/your gavel.

*bangs gavel*
YOU ARE GUILTY HAHA
Seriously tho.
You killed my aunt.

Two more hours of work and then the sweet embrace of death. Wait, I mean the weekend. I think. Whatever. Either way. It's all good.

a fun thing to do is ask a little kid how old he is, wait for him to answer and then just say "prove it"

When Jennifer Lopez gets old, she's gonna have to pull her butt around in a little red wagon.

Being an adult means making tough decisions like, "Should I shower today or just jump in the pool?"(Hint: pool always wins.)

I was bitching about rush hour traffic recently. Then I remembered I grew up in the LA area, & this is Flagstaff. Oh how perspective works.

Amanda Bynes is the sequel to Lindsay Lohan.

Sheila steps on the scale.
She inhales slowly.
Exhales.
Looks down.
It reads "Foot Cancer".

Sheila cries.

You say: "I forgot to eat."

I hear: "I am a wizard and you should fear my dark sorcery."

Pretty exciting time to be looking for a mattress.

So what overfollowed shitbag are we trying to ass kiss to over 10K today? #FF

A black guy said “hola homie” to me, so I’m DEFINITELY in a gang now.

Just rt’d a guy with 82K followers. That’s like advertising for Walmart.

You're born to make mistakes.
You're born to have sex.
You're born to love.
Just don't do all three at the same fucking time.

Which one of you pussy ass bitches is throwing off the curve and making Domino's think a medium thin crust could actually feed 2-4 people?