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I won't consider myself a success until I can use superglue without getting my fingers stuck together.
I need an app that electric shocks anyone who tries to touch my phone.
I can't do maths to save my life, so I judge tweeters by their words instead of follower counts. Totally helps if they're hot though.
This weekend, celebrate May the Fourth, Cinco de Mayo, and Buddha's birthday by rubbing the fat belly of a Mexican Star Wars geek.
Why are all the good swear words about sex? I BET IT'S TO REMIND ME I HAVEN'T FUCKING HAD ANY LATELY.
I can wash my body until it's cleaner than clean, but my mind will be forever dirty.
Famous last words: "yeah, your bum does look big in that".
Put some clothes on and stop tweeting nonsense. The title of my autobiography and/or fucking good advice for all of you.
It's all fun and games until someone pronounces you man and wife.
If the next wedding I go to doesn't have confetti laced with LSD then I'm calling bullshit on this whole marriage nonsense.
Real frames with fake lenses are the huge silicone boobs of the hipster world.
In memory of @juicymorsel's Vallie please donate to a cause that was special to her: http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/tweet4meat/campbridgesfoundation#.UYHOWXQXP8g.twitter …
Every time an angel loses its wings a slut picks them up and wears them to a fancy dress party.
Keep your enemies close, because it's easier to stab them when they're in arm's reach.
Most women can't decide whether to sleep with you, bake you a cake, or stab you. Being an asshole lowers your chance of them choosing cake.
Brutal blows to the ego set on repeat aka a relationship.
Я здесь не для вас, я здесь для себя. Lasciate ogni speranza, voi ch'entrate