Being unemployed really is very pleasant. Except for the lack of money.

My docking station is down. What I mean is, my girlfriend is sick.

I am on what the people at Sprint call "The Optimists Plan" : Lots of minutes, very few friends.

I can no longer afford to see a doctor, but I can afford to see a guy who plays one on TV.

My new dog looks just like my old dog. I named him Deja Vu

Lipton, Tetley and Bigelow meet to discuss how to stop people from giggling whenever the word "teabag" is used.

I'm bringin' sexy back...to Wal-Mart because they sold me a defective one.

I think a spray tan makes my dog look so much healthier.

I'm thinking about going to Walmart and starting some trouble. Who's with me?

Ever notice how people don't want their pen back after you've scratched the inside of your ear with it? Weird!

If I sit here and concentrate really hard, I can convince myself that I'm telecommuting, even though I don't have a job.

More jobs eliminated every day. It could be you. Be prepared! Always have a bag full of office supplies ready to steal, just in case.

If you're not one of the first five boys in the yard, you almost never get a milkshake.

My fortune cookie last night read, "Good Twitter joke get lost if tweeted in bad time slot."

Special tweet to kids: The prize in the cereal box always sucks.

Isn't it time the Pillsbury Doughboy got some genitals?

I Have Never Used a ninja. Not that I wouldn't. It's just that ninjas charge so damn much and who can afford it this economy?

I don't really want to be in Mensa. I just joined for their heath benefits.

Baseball is a game of inches. So is crossing busy intersections. #sadepitaph

Morning farts: It's what's for dinner! Last night.